THE LIES OF TOYS

When we are young, the easiest way parents teach their children to be good, constructive adults is through toys. Toys set the main example of some problem solving or a look into the future, if we use our imagination. Nothing on Earth can be further from the truth.

I have had a rant about giving dolls to little girls. This teaches crap about being a mother. Each doll had a gimmick: one would wet, one cry, one had hair that grew. The one that wet herself was nothing but a small tank filled in the back of the doll. It was harmless water, and a very tiny amount. We knew it wasn’t real urine. The one that cried was as heavy as a real baby, because it had four D cell batteries in her. Although I can go in any major city and immediately see 100 different colors of skin, all the dolls had the pink, fake Caucasian color, matching up to no one in the world. Looking back, none of the dolls prepared you for being a mother of a screaming baby, with various colors and smells of excrement coming out of every orifice on the body. When you were bored, you just ripped out the batteries and stuck her in the back of the closet.

I know of two professional sculptors, and neither of them personally. Yet Play Do seems to make it in every kids toy box. This stuff is non toxic, which is good, but has a smell like nothing else in the world. Parents give it to their kids for the simple reason of thinking it will keep them busy for hours. The Type A personality, like myself, used to get pissed when a playmate mixed the colors. I would spend hours picking the pink out of the blue and sorting the right colors back into the little cans. Of all the museums, sculptures of art and statues I’ve seen, none of them have been pink, yellow, blue and white.

The Easy Bake Oven is another fallacy of childhood. This thing does not teach you to cook or bake, but does teach little girls how to get a burn in the kitchen and deal with it. I remember melting crayons in it once, and coming out with really cool psychedelic disc shaped crayons. The smaller, fake kitchens with fake food and tiny dishes were not realistic either. Cleaning something green, fuzzy and smelly out of a refrigerator has no prior training from these days.

Dollhouses does not prepare one to take care of a house. Once everything is set in place, nothing gets messed up. No one comes around and dirties dishes, misses when they pee or leaves their little items scattered around the house. No weeds in the garden; no whiny kids; no absent parent. Often there is a dream of a maid now, but never for a young dollhouse owner.

The most ginormous lie of all would be the Barbie doll. There is only one person with these same measurements at any given time, and that is why she is a celebrity. There are plenty of women with breasts this size, waists and hips this small, but all three traits are improbable on the same average woman. Her feet are slanted to make the high heels slip on and “wear” easier. Barbie has no bunions, scars, or flaws, and every feature is perfectly symmetrical, and “wakes” every morning looking perfect – naked or not. The poor Ken doll prepares girls slightly. With our little girl imagination, we can make Ken say, wear or do anything, but this is the only truth about Ken in real life. Undress this guy and compare to a real man can be a total shock for the unsuspecting girl.

Keeping within the boundaries is a life long lesson some people never learn. Coloring did not make me an artist, but taught me to stay in the lines. Tinker Toys certainly did not make me an engineer, but the sticks were great to stir my melting crayons in the Easy Bake, and the wooden sprockets would make great launching in a slingshot. When we played “dress up”, I learned quickly I couldn’t wear a pink tutu and be cute forever. Candy lipstick only made my tongue red, with the carcinogenic red dye the FDA banned in the 1960s. Let’s not forget the delicious candy cigarettes, to make the addiction for life even more appealing.

I feel remiss continuing the misdirected education of my children, plus, I added four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to the mix. (What the hell were they smoking with this idea?) What did I do to my unsuspecting kids? I let them play with their toys, buying into Mattel’s idea that their imaginations would take over, and they would know the difference one day. Today, with high hopes, I try to scramble. With the youngest at 21, I hear the big ass tick tock, and worry if I taught them enough about the realities of life. This will be an interesting week.