THE WORRIER

So today, I’m scared. I usually don’t write about these feelings, but it feels better for me to let it out once in awhile. Only a select few people reading this blog have seen the 3D version of myself, and know me personally. Though I actually receive many more comments and emails from my internet friends. These writings, of course, are only one facet of my life. There is so much going on in my life right now, and I usually journal privately about certain things and events, but this time, I thought I send it out.

I have said it many times before: I am a worrier. I am the biggest “what if” person you will ever meet, even if you lived to be 1,000. Up my sleeves, I have Plan B, Plan C, Plan D, etc. The bigger the project/trip/event, the more back up plans I have. I micro manage my business and home because things seem to run smoother. I am very particular about certain things, but am willing to let go of some things. Most people think I am in control, but I give the reins to RT many more times than people realize. I don’t like to lead and would much rather follow, because I make so many decisions in a day, I don’t think I can make one more. I have an incredible memory and will remember something abstract about certain events in my life. But because I do this, I am able to recapture mentally many specific smaller details. I can remember people, their faces and everything about them, but forget their damned name.

Now, if someone knows me personally, really truly knows me and my history, you would know that trouble definitely follows me. I’m the luckiest unlucky person in the world. Some real serious shit has happened to me all through my life, and as much as I hate drama, it follows me. Somehow, I come out of things, with a scar and a story. From the information I have in my head and from my past, and this is why I am a worrier.

So, knowing these facts about me, you must add in I am a cancer survivor for seven years now. It was thyroid cancer, and finally, last January, I heard the word “remission” from the endocrinologist. I prepared myself to go into a “maintenance mode” in my worrier’s mind. Go every two years or so, for the radioactive body scan, instead of annually, then blood work and a quick look-see from the endocrinologist every six months. Then work up to every five years on the cancer body scan. My hopes got high.

At a follow up from January’s hospital radioactive body scan, the doctor told me about a cyst on my lymph node, and said another one should be done in July, but I shouldn’t worry. My family physician called and saw my results were forwarded to him on his computer, and also said not to worry. Fine. I had the ultrasound redone at the beginning of July, and something wasn’t right. I made the horrible mistake I made once before, seven years ago. I looked at the screen. “Hot spots” are red and I saw some red on the screen. I learned this on the internet after my diagnosis, and it ended up being true. My imagination is so vivid, it took all of 10 seconds to begin my worrying.

The results came back, I assume, but were not up to the endocrinologist’s expectations. There must have been something really wrong, because my family physician did not call either, even though I put him on the lookout for results. He ordered another sonogram. You know, a kind of “do over” when someone fucks up and no one wants to admit whose fault it was. Free and no charge to the insurance company, but I have to call a particular person for the appointment. More shit for my imagination. Great. Wonderful. Fantastic.

I have been on quite a few airplanes lately, and after this neck sonogram, I was flying and a woman next to me kept sneezing and coughing. She never covered her mouth once, and I became sick within two days. (Sometimes you just know where it came from.) This wasn’t just a head cold, but tonsilitis with fever, sweating and chilling, the whole nine yards. I was concerned with having an inflamed throat with a neck sonogram. I emailed both my doctors. Both advised to postpone. Today is the beginning of Day 5, and I can barely swallow. I’m waiting around for 8:30, so I can call the family doctor to get rid of this.

What’s on my mind or what am I worrying about? I’ve learned over the past seven years, with my health, I take one issue at a time. For instance, the ten pounds I am trying to lose can wait until tomorrow. I will excuse myself from work, cleaning and everything else and get my ass to the doctor today. My first goal is to be able to swallow without pain. (Hey, no crude swallow comments please!)

Am I worried about cancer recurrence? Yup, very much so. Shit happens to me. I magically attract it. (Yes, magic can be bad sometimes, i.e. Black Magic.) There seems to be a force that has followed me all my life, and I have scars it’s left behind. Following closely behind has been a guardian force, healing, soothing and making me take things from the experience to be smarter. I told RT this when we were dating many years ago and he didn’t believe me. He does now. As cliche as it sounds, we take one day at a time. And that is the reason why he makes the decisions around here. He wants me to choose and always offers the decision to me, but I decline. I don’t want it. It’s just too much for a worrier’s mind.

I’ve learned so much though, and must look at the positive side of everything. I face mortality every day, because I know it can and will end, and it all comes down to tick fucking tock. I’ve learned I want my legacy to be the three kids (from two different families), and their mates, being together for the rest of their lives, and it is up to me to get the relationships lined up. The three kids are adults and already love each other, one is married and another is in love, so it’s up to five adults now. I don’t want any of them to feel alone and be able to lean on each other. So love is the goal, and this should be an easy feat because it’s love, right? I am planning a family vacation for August to help seal it a little more. All will be at our Haiti function this year. : )

Other things I see more clearly are the battles of life. I now choose my battles very carefully. Some people, I used to be one of them, worry about insignificant things. Some gossip to make others feel like shit. Some talk without knowing exactly what they are talking about. I’ve learned to let this crap go, and not take apart in it any longer. Some people are not worth the very little time we have here on Earth. Seeking out true, real, genuine and sensitive friends is my second goal.

The third goal is not to waste time because there is none to waste. If I am relaxing, laying in the sun, I will also read and listen to music. I’ll stop and listen to whatever other sounds I hear - birds, wind chimes, boat motors. It isn’t just lounging around and being lazy then. : )

I enjoy the small and simple things. I know everyone has heard this so many times. I enjoy my garden and cooking. I enjoy taking my French lessons. I enjoy sitting at the piano and banging out something from memory or a song I just heard. With an older house, I like reconditioning or refurbishing things around the house. I am lucky to only have to work only about two days a week. I love writing. I enjoy visiting my kids, going for excursions to the city and museums. I love visiting friends and enjoying time with people I love. These are cathartic experiences for me, and I feel these things have healing powers for me.

Yes, I am worried, but feel a little better now. All my worries and lists are now in order in my brain, because I wrote this down. I only have to take care of my tonsils today.