THE WORRIER

So today, I’m scared. I usually don’t write about these feelings, but it feels better for me to let it out once in awhile. Only a select few people reading this blog have seen the 3D version of myself, and know me personally. Though I actually receive many more comments and emails from my internet friends. These writings, of course, are only one facet of my life. There is so much going on in my life right now, and I usually journal privately about certain things and events, but this time, I thought I send it out.

I have said it many times before: I am a worrier. I am the biggest “what if” person you will ever meet, even if you lived to be 1,000. Up my sleeves, I have Plan B, Plan C, Plan D, etc. The bigger the project/trip/event, the more back up plans I have. I micro manage my business and home because things seem to run smoother. I am very particular about certain things, but am willing to let go of some things. Most people think I am in control, but I give the reins to RT many more times than people realize. I don’t like to lead and would much rather follow, because I make so many decisions in a day, I don’t think I can make one more. I have an incredible memory and will remember something abstract about certain events in my life. But because I do this, I am able to recapture mentally many specific smaller details. I can remember people, their faces and everything about them, but forget their damned name.

Now, if someone knows me personally, really truly knows me and my history, you would know that trouble definitely follows me. I’m the luckiest unlucky person in the world. Some real serious shit has happened to me all through my life, and as much as I hate drama, it follows me. Somehow, I come out of things, with a scar and a story. From the information I have in my head and from my past, and this is why I am a worrier.

So, knowing these facts about me, you must add in I am a cancer survivor for seven years now. It was thyroid cancer, and finally, last January, I heard the word “remission” from the endocrinologist. I prepared myself to go into a “maintenance mode” in my worrier’s mind. Go every two years or so, for the radioactive body scan, instead of annually, then blood work and a quick look-see from the endocrinologist every six months. Then work up to every five years on the cancer body scan. My hopes got high.

At a follow up from January’s hospital radioactive body scan, the doctor told me about a cyst on my lymph node, and said another one should be done in July, but I shouldn’t worry. My family physician called and saw my results were forwarded to him on his computer, and also said not to worry. Fine. I had the ultrasound redone at the beginning of July, and something wasn’t right. I made the horrible mistake I made once before, seven years ago. I looked at the screen. “Hot spots” are red and I saw some red on the screen. I learned this on the internet after my diagnosis, and it ended up being true. My imagination is so vivid, it took all of 10 seconds to begin my worrying.

The results came back, I assume, but were not up to the endocrinologist’s expectations. There must have been something really wrong, because my family physician did not call either, even though I put him on the lookout for results. He ordered another sonogram. You know, a kind of “do over” when someone fucks up and no one wants to admit whose fault it was. Free and no charge to the insurance company, but I have to call a particular person for the appointment. More shit for my imagination. Great. Wonderful. Fantastic.

I have been on quite a few airplanes lately, and after this neck sonogram, I was flying and a woman next to me kept sneezing and coughing. She never covered her mouth once, and I became sick within two days. (Sometimes you just know where it came from.) This wasn’t just a head cold, but tonsilitis with fever, sweating and chilling, the whole nine yards. I was concerned with having an inflamed throat with a neck sonogram. I emailed both my doctors. Both advised to postpone. Today is the beginning of Day 5, and I can barely swallow. I’m waiting around for 8:30, so I can call the family doctor to get rid of this.

What’s on my mind or what am I worrying about? I’ve learned over the past seven years, with my health, I take one issue at a time. For instance, the ten pounds I am trying to lose can wait until tomorrow. I will excuse myself from work, cleaning and everything else and get my ass to the doctor today. My first goal is to be able to swallow without pain. (Hey, no crude swallow comments please!)

Am I worried about cancer recurrence? Yup, very much so. Shit happens to me. I magically attract it. (Yes, magic can be bad sometimes, i.e. Black Magic.) There seems to be a force that has followed me all my life, and I have scars it’s left behind. Following closely behind has been a guardian force, healing, soothing and making me take things from the experience to be smarter. I told RT this when we were dating many years ago and he didn’t believe me. He does now. As cliche as it sounds, we take one day at a time. And that is the reason why he makes the decisions around here. He wants me to choose and always offers the decision to me, but I decline. I don’t want it. It’s just too much for a worrier’s mind.

I’ve learned so much though, and must look at the positive side of everything. I face mortality every day, because I know it can and will end, and it all comes down to tick fucking tock. I’ve learned I want my legacy to be the three kids (from two different families), and their mates, being together for the rest of their lives, and it is up to me to get the relationships lined up. The three kids are adults and already love each other, one is married and another is in love, so it’s up to five adults now. I don’t want any of them to feel alone and be able to lean on each other. So love is the goal, and this should be an easy feat because it’s love, right? I am planning a family vacation for August to help seal it a little more. All will be at our Haiti function this year. : )

Other things I see more clearly are the battles of life. I now choose my battles very carefully. Some people, I used to be one of them, worry about insignificant things. Some gossip to make others feel like shit. Some talk without knowing exactly what they are talking about. I’ve learned to let this crap go, and not take apart in it any longer. Some people are not worth the very little time we have here on Earth. Seeking out true, real, genuine and sensitive friends is my second goal.

The third goal is not to waste time because there is none to waste. If I am relaxing, laying in the sun, I will also read and listen to music. I’ll stop and listen to whatever other sounds I hear - birds, wind chimes, boat motors. It isn’t just lounging around and being lazy then. : )

I enjoy the small and simple things. I know everyone has heard this so many times. I enjoy my garden and cooking. I enjoy taking my French lessons. I enjoy sitting at the piano and banging out something from memory or a song I just heard. With an older house, I like reconditioning or refurbishing things around the house. I am lucky to only have to work only about two days a week. I love writing. I enjoy visiting my kids, going for excursions to the city and museums. I love visiting friends and enjoying time with people I love. These are cathartic experiences for me, and I feel these things have healing powers for me.

Yes, I am worried, but feel a little better now. All my worries and lists are now in order in my brain, because I wrote this down. I only have to take care of my tonsils today.

DO YOU HAVE IT ?

Modeling agencies and talent scouts know of the “It Factor”. It is that special talent, quality and beauty that will sell, sell and sell some more. It’s different for me. The “It Factor” is difficult for me to describe. When I’ve shared it with people I know, I can rattle off examples of people we know that have “It” and the ones who do not have “It”.

“It” is a sense of nostalgia, family or even sometimes melancholy. It’s the person at the family reunion who begins talking about a lost loved family member, then others will chime in with their memory. It’s the one who will step out of their life’s path to help someone close to them, because they understand the pain or anxiety of that person. Our family is mixed quite well with people who have “It” and people who do not. The people who do not have “It” are the strong, quiet ones. They are, generally, the ones who like every single note and rest in the music, but may not listen to the lyrics, because they are uncomfortable with mawkish words. They are the stronger and braver ones, who quietly and independently fight their fights, without too much help from anyone. It’s not a bad thing to have “It” or not have “It”. “It” is just there or not there.

We need both kinds of people at different times in our lives. A family member whom has “It” can choose a song for a wedding or funeral. They are the ones who send the notes or make the calls to someone that is ill or out of sorts. They are the ones who apologize to keep the peace. The ones without “It” can see the business at hand and the work that needs to be done. These family members know how to chip in to complete the job and do not need to be told to begin. They work hard and see the straightforwardness in life, heading straight down the line.

To realize who has “It” and who doesn’t have “It” has helped me tremendously in the best way to handle issues that come up. A nudge to another to do the right thing, or maybe give a little consolation to another family member. It has also helped me understand the ones without “It”, and try to see the situation from their logical angle. It almost always helps me see their point of view. And when I explained this “It Factor” to a few other family members, it was clearly seen with examples of who does and does not have "It".

The best of both worlds would be to be both, and only have “It” when you need “It”. There are some who have to use “It” in their work, like priests or ministers, whom also have to run a staff and church. People who head charitable organizations or foundations must be both. They have to streamline people and resources so money isn’t wasted, while giving and helping others.

I have “It”, but RT does not. I know my ex does not have “It”, yet The Boy and The Baby do have “It”. RT has said he wants “It”, but doesn’t want to follow up with the actions needed to retain “It”. : ) Having “It” comes with responsibilities and many follow through procedures. You have to be willing to go to someone at the drop of a hat, because life’s crap happens at inconvenient times. I am the one who cries for others, where RT wants to fix it to make it better. The Boy and The Baby know when I expect them for a family function. They both have “It” so there is never an argument if one of us is down. The other two nurture until the winds die down.

So we continue to teach each other about ourselves, hoping for some kind of understanding or logic. Love travels blindly through our traits and faults, and when we unconditionally accept all of them, happiness is very close.

COMING TO MY SENSES

It seems we have to be a witness to believe something is true. This is why all the rag magazines, at the counter in the market, sell their garbage. If a couple, in the backwoods of Arkansas, has a photo of a summer squash that looks like the Madonna, or a half Martian baby, they could sell more copies. After all, there is a picture, so it must be true. If one of the 24/7 news stations broadcasts how bad something is, it is instantly believed by the majority of the people. On late night television, there is an infomercial marathon, showing and screaming at us we can all have flat abs, make a million in real estate or dieting. We are becoming a society of nonbelievers, because we need proof with our sight, hearing, or touch to know the truth.

We rely on our senses. It gives us security and reassurance on what we believe to be true. The first time you hold your baby is an example of needing to touch to believe. At that very second of touching, the mother and child connect on several levels. At that moment, usually new mothers instantly forget of the recent excruciating pain they just endured. It’s gone, because of that first touch.

There are some incredible musicians in history who have been or are blind. Their reliance on their sense of sound must be so incredibly fine tuned. One would have to be very experienced and talented to share the stage or work with these people. They must hear every single note, including the bad ones. And because of their talent, we can watch AND hear them, and they’ve never failed to impress us.

The old saying, “if a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, does it make a sound?” will get a conversation going every time. There are those who refuse to answer, because they absolutely need a human witness for proof. The answer is obvious. Of course, a falling tree makes noise. We do not have to be there to know it makes noise. The only way it didn’t make a noise would be if it’s a sapling, and falls on a rabbit, maybe it didn’t make any sound.

There are many times when my senses fail me miserably for proof. There are several words to describe the quiet time in our lives. I mean the REAL quiet time, with no outside or white noise to distract us. Some call it prayer; meditation; alone time; contemplation. It can happen while sitting in a chair, yoga, lying in the sun, jogging, gardening. It’s that moment in time when we sort things out for ourselves. We seem never to be alone during these moments. Some feel it’s God’s presence. Some feel the spirits of others around them. Some even think it’s their previous soul from reincarnation. Just because we can’t see, hear or touch does not mean it isn’t there.

I like this feeling, and wish everyone could attain it. We can touch someone, without a physical touch. We can see people, and not ever look at them with our eyes. We don’t have to rely on our senses to know this. To get into your own thoughts keeps you more aware of what is going on. I do not wish everyone was Christian, nor do I wish everyone was one with God. It’s not possible to expect humans to have the same belief system. The person sitting next to me, in the pew on Sunday, probably has a different perspective of life, and he is hearing and seeing the same as me.

I do wish everyone would take a little quiet time, away from their busy lives, and reflect on the day. It can be as simple as looking on how the day could possibly have been better, and make those adjustments tomorrow. It gives me solace, even if the world is crashing around me on CNN. It seems the more I practice it, the more peaceful I become. I don’t need to see or hear anyone to know someone is with me.

FRANKLY, MY DEAR . . .

So many events are happening at the same time. I am also trying to stay uber busy. Less idle time means less worrying, because I am a born worrier.

We just returned from New York City, in celebration of my upcoming 50th. I was with five people who I love dearly and we all had such an amazing time. It was exhausting, but so much fun. As much as I ate and drank, I actually lost two pounds, probably from the constant walking. Awesome memories made with incredible people. I am lucky, but it has been a little more than that.

The end of this wonderful and memorable trip coincided with me reading the book The Last Lecture, by Dr. Randy Pausch, and it was the absolute right book to read on the eve of an appointment with the endocrinologist tomorrow. In the past, with an upcoming doctor’s appointment, I used to spend the time worrying about what the doctor would say, test results, and just deal with the self inflicted nervousness. Also this week, my father was remembered at Mass yesterday evening. RT and I went together.

The trip, the book and a new attitude since January, has focused me on the real part of life. Cancer doesn’t scare me anymore. There were two famous 50 year olds (big ass coincidence) that passed away suddenly, while in NYC, along with another older female celebrity who died from a long battle with cancer. None of these news items brought back the nerves, though at one time in my life, they would have. And, with my impeccable timing, Dad would have been 77 years old yesterday.

Pishaw!!! We only have an unknown amount of time on Earth, and everyone - no matter what age or what affliction - wants to live longer. I could sit here and worry about it, but what benefit would it give me. Zip, Nada, Zero. This is not to say it is not on my mind. The cyst on my lymph node is a precarious thing, but doc has assured me it’s happened before to other patients in the same scenario, and he seemed confident on what to do at our last discussion in April.

My attitude this year has been to be close to selective people, and be a little choosier on what I say to whom. I’ve learned to let go of hate, grudges and judgments, though they still slip out sometimes. The most definitive lesson I’ve learned is to let anyone else in the world say or think whatever the hell they want. It no longer matters to me. I finally got tired from thinking everyone’s actions and thoughts were really any of my business, or I could control them in anyway. Everyone is responsible for their own actions - not me. At times, it has been difficult, because some people really piss me off.

Dr. Pausch constantly talked of how he was living his life to the fullest, and as I read how he described his past, he actually achieved this before receiving his cancer death sentence. He lived; he loved; he experienced; he learned; he taught; he gave. Isn’t that what we all want when we check out? There were so many similarities in his thinking to my own, especially when you know there are active cancer cells in your body. I’m not sure if this makes sense to most people, but it turns your thinking around to what one’s thinking should be. We should appreciate the simple, and we should make plans to be with the people we love most, and care for people who need help. And then, we should cram it all in, as much as we can, while we can, and do it quickly too. This seems to be the sole purpose of humans, not to see who has what homes or cars or toys, who is popular or who is cool for whatever reason. Life is so temporary, and illness gives a totally humbling attitude on how brief life is. It’s not worth being upset with someone else or what they do or what they say. Facing mortality makes you wonder if you made the best out of the hand dealt to you. If not, is there still enough time to make it better or right a few wrongs?

Ah, there’s that forgiveness thing again, and that keeps my ego in check. Some don’t believe in God, but He has helped me through all of this. I’ve had a Mass said for Dad every year since his death 18 years ago. It makes me feel good that I remember him. I’m one of five that knew him as an adult. It saddens me sometimes, but I can only be responsible for my own personal regrets - not my siblings. Yes, I always cry, but last night, I had a completely different thought than all those other years. Leaving the Church last night, I told RT how selfish I am to be having Mass said for him. He suffered so much and so long with his health. I know he is in a better place, because anywhere is better than being in a coma for the last six months of his life, or battling a disease he had for 20 years. He’s not in pain, and he left the arduous fight for his body to try to miraculously come back. (?) What the hell was I thinking? I miss him, and it just seemed a little self centered of me to want him back here, when I know he’s so much better now.

In the great words of Clark Gable, “Frankly, my dear . . .” I no longer care about a lot of things. I once was my own worse enemy. I used to have spices in alpha order, and nothing laying around. I had to have a certain way of doing things, and washed my car every week. I cared what people thought of me. I now care about things I should care about. I left behind some (not all) the material things. I try to care about people and put myself in their shoes. I try to understand another’s struggles, and now know everyone here has been through something crappy. I try to forgive and apologize. I don’t always succeed, but I try. It’s been amazing to see my own transformation and how life no longer sucks, when surrounded by love - pure, unconditional, no bullshit love.

I really think it’s that easy. I don’t write this to convert or transform. I write this because it cements these ideas into myself. As with all of my writings, I write this for me. I am really the only one I need to impress.


“I’ll take an earnest person over a hip person every day, because hip is short term. Earnest is long term.”