I hate the uncertainty of announcing love for another person. It has always been a risk for me. There have been times when I’ve worn my heart on my sleeve to find out if the love is reciprocated. The older I get, the more of a chance I take on getting hurt. My wariness comes from past experiences of being disappointed.
Twenty years ago, a particular person and I had a very close relationship, and there was not a doubt of the love that flowed between us. The last time we saw each other, we cried together at a funeral. Last November, we saw each other again and spent an afternoon together. Unknown to us, we shared a mutual friend who made sure our reconnection meeting took place.
I walked into the small tavern and it was as though no time had passed at all since 1992. The years quickly melted away. We shared smiles and hugs and I must admit, I didn’t want to let go. We didn’t notice the lines around each other’s eyes or the gray, nor did we talk much about what has happened in our lives in the past twenty years. We held hands for the first half hour of the conversation, and we both seemed so excited just to be with each other again.
What I learned was both of us had the same trepidation, both being afraid of what each other thought and how it all ended between us. Looking back, neither of us had the correct chain of events. We were both misinformed by other people, and almost twenty years had been wasted on not really knowing the truth. I hate waste, but especially when it is time. There is never a way to get it back. It is gone forever.
It took a fluke chance of a mutual friend to pull us back into the same room, and now we begin again, vowing to each other never to lose or misplace our relationship again – no matter what happens, where we are or who we become.
The internet has made the grapevine thick. New events have happened this weekend that have made the wariness recur inside of me. Though I’m not exactly sure what to do next, I shouldn’t doubt the love. I will direct my actions with the only the love in mind.
I will take the chance and wear it prominently on my sleeve.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I Didn't Do It !
“A rose is a rose is a rose” by Gertrude Stein says it all to me today. Things are what they are. And crazy is crazy is crazy. It doesn't matter what they were thinking at the time. If you try to understand, you are allowing the insanity to cross into your own mind. It's just best to mourn the loss, lock the crazies up, walk away and go into quiet prayer. Sometimes, there is no prevention or warning, and we just have to deal with the aftermath. Blame nor understanding does not play a part in this at all.
In America, everything seems like a huge political statement. There are so many variations of left and right, yet everyone is trying to define what is left and what is right.
My political points of view would appear to be right wing. I vote Republican because I understand the economic sense of the Republicans. Being a business owner for many years, I see the logical way of the tax laws and allowances the Republicans have for small business owners. This country was built and thrives on the small business sector, and with about 30 million small businesses, we have a right to a few things regarding tax laws in this country. Small businesses keep this country moving forward.
I am also pro life. I am not an extremist, and would rather quietly sit in prayer for the unborn, alone or with a group. I do not believe in clubbing baby seals and putting animals through horrific deaths. But first, I’d like to begin this idea with the human race. It seems a more simple and logical place to start.
I do not believe in capital punishment nor euthanasia. Being a victim does not give anyone the right to take the life of another. To me, it’s just another form of murder. After all, let’s not forget how Jesus died. It was capital punishment. It’s a good thing we don’t have a gold electric chair hanging from our gold chains on our neck, displayed at the altar or on our rosaries. The cross 2000 years ago was the same as the gas chamber, firing squad or electric chair.
I am Catholic and we believe in family values. We do not have the market on family values. Most people of practicing morales or faiths have these values as well. We want what is best for our families. It doesn’t always happen, no matter what we do or say, but we try. The mother hen trying to keep the chickies in line is a nonstop job, no matter how old they get. Any road taken to help to being a better, parent, friend or person should be taken.
I pray for the sick and the dead. I pray for people who don’t think they need God’s intervention. I help people who don’t realize the help is from me. I hope others are praying for me, as I need help on most days. I am not so ashamed of who I am and what I have done to ask for God’s guidance that I do not fully understand.
There are other issues where I would appear to be to the left side of issues. Severe contamination in this world has to stop, and (thankfully) our company has begun helping with a small portion of this situation. I have witnessed first hand at human rights conflicts, tyranny, greed and poverty in Haiti, and it affected me deeper than I ever thought possible. The health insurance crisis and economic times in this nation has had an direct impact on family members. Addictions of many variations are, and have been, fought with family members, and not enough of our country’s resources are being used in this area. The education system, from Pre-K to college needs to be revamped extensively. The arts have been forever forgotten and end up at the bottom end of the funds and attention, with the conservative thinking of music, art, dance and writing are expendable because they are the “extras” in life.
No one should define left and right, black and white, rich and poor. There should be no dividing line here in the human race. I am insulted people are trying to define who I am and what I represent. There are so many facets to each individual, we need to stop designating people into categories. Anthropologists use this concept, but it is because they do not have enough information. We have information on each other, we’re just not listening.
I believe we all have free will in life. No matter what life has given us, we still have choices to make. With today’s society, it seems like the choices are crossing lines. Some are justifying their decisions, no matter who gets hurt. To me, this is kind of crazy. I grew up with someone in my family with a mental illness. It’s not a pleasant experience. My human side wants to understand, only for the curiosity of it. Practically, I don’t want to understand these people at all. I feel if I understand them, I would understand insanity, then it would own it.
I have no idea why blame is being put on one side or another for a horrific crime one crazy ass person committed. We need to come together soon, and just realize it’s alright that we are all so different. There has got to be some common ground somewhere. I don’t know where it is, but maybe we should look at the path in front of us instead of left or right.
In America, everything seems like a huge political statement. There are so many variations of left and right, yet everyone is trying to define what is left and what is right.
My political points of view would appear to be right wing. I vote Republican because I understand the economic sense of the Republicans. Being a business owner for many years, I see the logical way of the tax laws and allowances the Republicans have for small business owners. This country was built and thrives on the small business sector, and with about 30 million small businesses, we have a right to a few things regarding tax laws in this country. Small businesses keep this country moving forward.
I am also pro life. I am not an extremist, and would rather quietly sit in prayer for the unborn, alone or with a group. I do not believe in clubbing baby seals and putting animals through horrific deaths. But first, I’d like to begin this idea with the human race. It seems a more simple and logical place to start.
I do not believe in capital punishment nor euthanasia. Being a victim does not give anyone the right to take the life of another. To me, it’s just another form of murder. After all, let’s not forget how Jesus died. It was capital punishment. It’s a good thing we don’t have a gold electric chair hanging from our gold chains on our neck, displayed at the altar or on our rosaries. The cross 2000 years ago was the same as the gas chamber, firing squad or electric chair.
I am Catholic and we believe in family values. We do not have the market on family values. Most people of practicing morales or faiths have these values as well. We want what is best for our families. It doesn’t always happen, no matter what we do or say, but we try. The mother hen trying to keep the chickies in line is a nonstop job, no matter how old they get. Any road taken to help to being a better, parent, friend or person should be taken.
I pray for the sick and the dead. I pray for people who don’t think they need God’s intervention. I help people who don’t realize the help is from me. I hope others are praying for me, as I need help on most days. I am not so ashamed of who I am and what I have done to ask for God’s guidance that I do not fully understand.
There are other issues where I would appear to be to the left side of issues. Severe contamination in this world has to stop, and (thankfully) our company has begun helping with a small portion of this situation. I have witnessed first hand at human rights conflicts, tyranny, greed and poverty in Haiti, and it affected me deeper than I ever thought possible. The health insurance crisis and economic times in this nation has had an direct impact on family members. Addictions of many variations are, and have been, fought with family members, and not enough of our country’s resources are being used in this area. The education system, from Pre-K to college needs to be revamped extensively. The arts have been forever forgotten and end up at the bottom end of the funds and attention, with the conservative thinking of music, art, dance and writing are expendable because they are the “extras” in life.
No one should define left and right, black and white, rich and poor. There should be no dividing line here in the human race. I am insulted people are trying to define who I am and what I represent. There are so many facets to each individual, we need to stop designating people into categories. Anthropologists use this concept, but it is because they do not have enough information. We have information on each other, we’re just not listening.
I believe we all have free will in life. No matter what life has given us, we still have choices to make. With today’s society, it seems like the choices are crossing lines. Some are justifying their decisions, no matter who gets hurt. To me, this is kind of crazy. I grew up with someone in my family with a mental illness. It’s not a pleasant experience. My human side wants to understand, only for the curiosity of it. Practically, I don’t want to understand these people at all. I feel if I understand them, I would understand insanity, then it would own it.
I have no idea why blame is being put on one side or another for a horrific crime one crazy ass person committed. We need to come together soon, and just realize it’s alright that we are all so different. There has got to be some common ground somewhere. I don’t know where it is, but maybe we should look at the path in front of us instead of left or right.
Monday, January 10, 2011
OLD & NEW
2010 seemed like a long year. For business, it was filled with wonderful surprises that were only accomplished with some very long hours. The first of January each year, I read the corporate minutes from the year before, which are filled with high expectations and future goals for that year. This year, the review was astonishing. Not only were goals accomplished, but very much overachieved. Going back to school, even if only for 10 weeks, was a pleasant piece, yet exhausting. Looking back, it was the pivoting point of the year. It made me look at the marketing plan in my brain and forced me to write it out, share it and put it into action. Keeping focused is much easier now for 2011. Graduation from the year long Governor’s program is at the end of this month, and the program has put us in contact with so many more prospective clients and helped seal our current relationship with our main customer and mentor.
Expectations and hard work seem to be paying off with business, but in my personal life, it has been much more complicated. Though a few people would not agree with me, without God, I do not know how I could have made the personal decisions I have made this year. I have decided to take a higher road and look for forgiveness, and at first, it was not an easy task. I have found myself talking to God; not necessarily praying the same rote prayers nuns once taught me, but having real conversations. I must admit, it was difficult for me to be still and await His answers.
Forgiveness is a tricky issue, especially as I age. I tend to confuse it with forgetting. I cannot possibly forget, as some of the pain of my childhood remains with me, and every experience has made me the person I am today. Instead of being bitter or angry, I’ve decided to take the pain and not let it happen again with my family. If it all happened for the sole reason of breaking the chain, then this is what I will take away from the experience. It is painful at times, and I used to question my decisions. There are many people who do not understand this part of my life, nor the uncharacteristic behavior of my silence.
Simply, I have had four parents in my life. As of this year, three are now dead and one is fighting for sanity. The one parent left is the cause of the other three not fully understanding the love of their children, and the three of them died with uncertainty. Though this is a horrible way to live and die, I have to remember, though I am older now, that I was the child. I was the one who had two parents filled with hatred, greed and anger. The other two parents were frightened and kept away until I sought them out as a young adult.
Confusing, isn’t it? Throw in all the emotions of this mess and trying to figure it out was arduous. Add a trust fund, a few addictions and more bitchiness, then stir in a bit more of that greed and bitterness, and you have my family.
Here is what it has come down to and what I learned in 2010: Love conquers all. That’s it. Period. If love isn’t involved, neither am I. I cannot and will not be a part of anything without love. I shall never again question this decision. And with all this in my life, the only sound advice I have ever received was from God. He expects us to give love, so He can love us in return. It’s almost too simple.
I’m glad to put 2010 to rest – the good and the bad. I’ve borrowed a quote that sums up where I am today: “Onward and upward!”
: )
Expectations and hard work seem to be paying off with business, but in my personal life, it has been much more complicated. Though a few people would not agree with me, without God, I do not know how I could have made the personal decisions I have made this year. I have decided to take a higher road and look for forgiveness, and at first, it was not an easy task. I have found myself talking to God; not necessarily praying the same rote prayers nuns once taught me, but having real conversations. I must admit, it was difficult for me to be still and await His answers.
Forgiveness is a tricky issue, especially as I age. I tend to confuse it with forgetting. I cannot possibly forget, as some of the pain of my childhood remains with me, and every experience has made me the person I am today. Instead of being bitter or angry, I’ve decided to take the pain and not let it happen again with my family. If it all happened for the sole reason of breaking the chain, then this is what I will take away from the experience. It is painful at times, and I used to question my decisions. There are many people who do not understand this part of my life, nor the uncharacteristic behavior of my silence.
Simply, I have had four parents in my life. As of this year, three are now dead and one is fighting for sanity. The one parent left is the cause of the other three not fully understanding the love of their children, and the three of them died with uncertainty. Though this is a horrible way to live and die, I have to remember, though I am older now, that I was the child. I was the one who had two parents filled with hatred, greed and anger. The other two parents were frightened and kept away until I sought them out as a young adult.
Confusing, isn’t it? Throw in all the emotions of this mess and trying to figure it out was arduous. Add a trust fund, a few addictions and more bitchiness, then stir in a bit more of that greed and bitterness, and you have my family.
Here is what it has come down to and what I learned in 2010: Love conquers all. That’s it. Period. If love isn’t involved, neither am I. I cannot and will not be a part of anything without love. I shall never again question this decision. And with all this in my life, the only sound advice I have ever received was from God. He expects us to give love, so He can love us in return. It’s almost too simple.
I’m glad to put 2010 to rest – the good and the bad. I’ve borrowed a quote that sums up where I am today: “Onward and upward!”
: )
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