2008 is near the end, and it has been memorable. Now I feel as though 2008 was like climbing to the top of a hill - my hill. Looking down from the top, everything has a different perspective. For many difficult and simple reasons, I have learned so much about myself this year. Witnessing certain events, and being part of various decisions, has taught me how deep I can go into myself for resolution and change. On some issues, I've simply hid things away until there was more time to think about them. Decisions create changes and changes are unavoidable.
The Baby says she hates change, but I watch her now as she finally settles into her new house in the hippie section of town, turning it into a warm and comfortable home. One of her good friends will move in with her later this month. They will enjoy each other's company, and go deeper into their best friend world. From the beginning of the year to now, Baby has made the most changes in her life. Watching my child make a mistake in her life was extremely difficult. Helping her come up with the ideal solution, or giving the perfect advice was so incredibly hard. Mostly because, for many months, I was not sure if she would heed to anything - nor did I trust her. She listens more carefully now. Honestly, I am still not sure where/why/who/how the magical instructions came out of my mouth and into her ears, then sunk into her heart. As I look back now, I imagine I read them from the nonexistent parent manual I never received.
With Bob Dylan and Carl Sandburg as her heroes, and her diligent work on her philosophy degree, she has discerned the importance of her personal ripple effect by her words and actions, with the people around her. I have never met someone on the path of selfishness, turn around with such a surge of positive energy and optimism for the world and people, in such a very short time. As I reflect, she must have been looking for the change for quite awhile. The finality of it all comes to a conclusion next week, with a few more minor changes in store. By coincidence, the same day The Boy completes his college education. Change upon change upon change.
The Boy was over yesterday evening, taking the time to climb up to my part of the hill. When he called earlier in the afternoon, he sounded uneasy and restless. In one week, he and his girl are graduating college. He was nervous about the next few months of his life, and all of the changes coming their way. To top it off, he also had a Christmas tree in his living room, a gift left from a loving friend. He came home to us, and I cooked and fed him dinner. We talked and dissected everything, and decided it would be best for them to just get through the following week. After that, we would all talk again about everything else. Taking advantage of his new comfort in his mama's nest, he easily agreed with this simple point. Then we rummaged through some old decorations from his childhood Christmases, and I gladly gave The Boy everything he wanted for his bare ass tree.
Jess and Steve got married this year, so I've watched their lives change completely too. Neither thought too many things would change. When they returned home, the new wife and new husband positions kicked in immediately. Somehow, someway, their relationship became more important to them. Old married people laugh about it, but to newlyweds, it's definitely a serious change. I know discussions have taken place on having babies, holiday travel, home repairs, moving, finances and, of course, in-laws on both sides. The changes keep coming, and maybe they, too, will read the imaginary marriage manual that none of us ever received.
Whether good or bad decisions are made, change is inevitable for everyone. What matters is not change itself, and it is useless we should worry, or be wary of changes. Most importantly is where the heart is after the change. Is the person ready for the change? Has the person's heart adapted to the change? Can the person live peacefully with the result? If there are regrets of their decision, is it possible for their heart to be at ease? I reminisce now of my personal decisions and thoughts throughout this year, and it give me shivers down my spine. This year, I've seem to have traveled by the seat of my pants, at every turn up this steep fucking hill, wondering if I've taken the right path.
Indeed, with my perch on top of the hill, everything has a new perspective. Though they all had incredible changes, looking below on the kids' lives, they now seem to be getting further from my reach. The mother hen sees all her chickies in their coops, and other loving people are now in their lives, as it should be. Watching these amazing people go through life has kept my time and heart completely occupied this year. It has been an incredible journey, and all have kept me happier than I've ever been. But my head is getting back into the clouds of my changes and decisions from this year. I've not given time to think if my heart is at ease or if I've made the right decisions.
Looking at the final results, there are no complaints. Wonderful adult children making genuine decisions, the addition of a new son-in-law, business with a rapid growth spurt, and They Boy's graduation are all wonderful things from this past year. With the bittersweet memories of 2008, everything seems to have had a soft landing. From my higher view on my hill, I think I'll stay here for awhile. It's a little closer to Heaven and finally, quiet enough to hear my own heart beating.
"I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through"
--David Bowie
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