FLAWS, FAULTS AND FAILURES

I have them all. The flaws make me human, and as I age, more and more come about. I'm still chasing them with concealer, strategic clothes selections and dodging the occasional camera, that appears out of nowhere, on one of those icky days. My grandmother never worried about appearances too much, but I didn't know her when she was my age. Sure, she'd fix her hair, dress properly and was a pretty woman, in my opinion. Though we probably get to a point when we're older, when we don't chase the flaws any longer, and just say the hell with all of this, or we no longer care what other people think. Though I am near her mentality when it comes to my flawed health issues, conceitedly, I am not yet there on my veneer.

Then, there are my faults. There is not enough makeup concealer in the entire universe to cover up these monsters! They are just there. When we are young, we deny them or pretend they do not exist. If they are pointed out, we think the person is mean or just plain stupid. With our tail between our legs, we hide out, and the first thing out of our mouths is wondering where that comment came from, or thinking this person is mean and should have just kept their comments to themselves. While raising children in my 30s, I realized that I had many faults and I needed to confront them. I had no manual for being a mother, and with horrible baggage from my childhood, it was inevitable I was going to make some mistakes. If I knew my faults well, I could possibly try not to pass them onto another generation. It worked on some, but not others, and I selfishly passed some of my faults onto the kids. However, it makes holidays more exciting when a little dysfunction is ricocheting off the walls.

Finally, there are failures. You learn about these at a very early age. What works and what makes life more difficult is avoided, just from the mere experiences of growing. They change all the time though, and failures can happen on small and large levels. From burning something in the oven or shrinking a favorite sweater in the dryer, to wrecking a car or a failed relationship, and sometimes, much worse. Sometimes, just getting near the end of the cliff, will teach you not to get too close. I've learned, the hard way, that it is more important not to have regrets. No matter what the failure is, there is usually a way to patch it up, mend it, or give it a temporary fix, until a final decision is made or a big gulp of crow is swallowed. Once it's done, it's done.

I have learned, these imperfections of mine, have brought me strength, courage and perseverance in my life. Without the evil, we wouldn't be able to identify the good in our lives. Without darkness, we would never see the light. Without the ugly, we would not be able to recognize beauty. Without death, we would never realize that we must live. Something good must, and always, come from bad things or events. It just depends what angle you see it. No pessimist would ever agree with me, but I will be the optimist that offsets him.

Looking back, I see some of the corrections as crossroads now, where the weakness made me choose who and what I want to be. They've also have given me the necessary armor to wear, to protect my family, my heart and my pride. They have helped me to apologize or correct myself, and to make me more humble. They have shown me I am not perfect, nor do I live in a perfect world. They keep me in check on upcoming decisions and the future person I expect myself to be. Not proudly, but I gladly own all of my flaws, faults and failures.

"I've been waiting so long, to be where I'm going . . ." -- E.C.