So much has happened in the past year. To relive it here is fruitless, since I have not yet begun to digest everything myself. Writing helps me put everything in perspective. The highs were mostly business. The lows were entirely personal.
I've now realized my successes rely entirely on me - my actions, thoughts and planning. The low points in my life are dependent solely on how I react to people, situations, events and conversations. If I take the higher road, during these disappointing times, they do not cause as much pain. Though it sounds arrogant, my expectations of myself are high, yet I expect so much less from people.
Everything that has happened, has influenced me and my outlook on the present and the future. Wanting to change people or their feelings has been thrown out the window, as no one will see what I have seen because no one has walked my path. The most important lesson I have learned this year is an awful influence can be used as an example of what NOT to be in this world. Unfortunately, I have had quite a few, yet these have been the most powerful influences in my life.
I try to be opened to new ideas and new thoughts, but if the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, it's probably best to walk away. I have learned, over the years, to pay attention to these yellow flags, no matter what the outcome may bring. It has certainly taken awhile to get it through my head that love and loyalty can only survive when there is no pain.
Our society has a normalcy which expects us to behave in a way that doesn't raise anyone's eyebrows and have the gossip fence full of talk about you. I've also thrown this out the window too. The life I was given has been trying since 1964 and I have learned not to worry what everyone else thinks or says. Looking back over the years, my expectations for the world were low from age five, so disappointments seem easier for me to carry or overcome. High expectations seem to create deeper sadness when things don't work out like as anticipated.
It's nice to see my young adult children think that happiness could be a good job, married with 2.2 children, a nice home in the burbs with a white picket fence and a minivan in the driveway. I want them to think this way. I hope they're all successful with their plans of this type of happiness. Sometimes, it is best to just let them believe. Faith is a difficult line to cross with your own children. Though they have many traits of their parents, they have had their own path. We'd like to think we know their path, but we really do not understand every influence they have had in their lives.
Not knowing what is in store for tomorrow, I can not worry about what anyone thinks, the pain from the past, or the pain of the future. I have stood up for what I believe is right, and have not succumbed to the greed or bigotry. I can only work to preserve the love I have in my life now, and nurture and care for it. I can only go forward knowing I have kept my human feelings in tact, and have not swayed too far off the path, regardless of the temptations of human behavior.
Under the influence of horror came a scarred, yet resilient version. In hindsight, the decision to walk away was insightful and sound.
