I'M TELLING MOM!

In these days, there are many different types of family units. I have seen different ethnicity and colors, dual religions and even bilingual. I know of families that are gay and straight. I've seen some married and some not. I've seen biological children and adopted children. I know of extended families that get along well, though mine does not. I've seen so many different combinations of a family unit, I could not begin to tell which ones are classified as normal.

Personally, I came from a family unit, which is very different and not any sense of normal, though this is being as nice as I can be. To be honest, it is one messed up chunk of dysfunction. I have spent the past year trying to find forgiveness for a life time of hurt and memories, through a professional, my faith and writing. Having to struggle in childhood was just the beginning. Rethinking the pain and transferring it into something positive, while working on forgiveness, has been extremely difficult for me personally.

Besides the rest of life happening around me, the most important priority has been the kids. Raising them has been more of a challenge for me, because I did not have the proper tools to begin with. These tools are generally passed down, without fail, from the parents to the child. Since these were totally backwards or nonexistent, I had to begin from scratch.

I've learned to pay close attention to people with children of the same age as mine, or older, and watching the interaction. It's been one of the best ways of learning how to be a good parent. Unbeknowst to them, I have paid close attention to their lives. I know I have probably made many more mistakes than these other parents, but I keep trying to learn. Even though my kids are older, I still have to be a parent, adapting to whatever is happening in their lives, trying to be understanding, loving and supportive. I still learn from the parents around me, and sometimes, have to carefully ask questions. Some may think I am questioning their parenting skills, but I assure you, it is for me to learn because I still don't think I know what the hell I'm doing.

Recently, we have been told of some events going on in our extended family, and it was my job to have a connversation with my kids. Unfortunately, they have been witnesses to some "unfamily-like" behavior. There are some in the extended family we choose to have a relationship with, and there are a few we do not.

I thought I had been struggling with forgiveness. The Boy and I were talking about the updates last week. After years of protecting The Boy and The Baby's feelings on the subject, I immediately went into a somber attitude. He caught me off guard, and was laughing about all of the characters. There is the the bully, the bigot, the drunk, the gambler and the absolute crazy one. Most of these people think I should be in their lives because of a boat load of money, kind of a heredity-extortion plot. He laughed and got me to realize how ridiculous everything was. When he repeated what I had originally told him, I heard the absurdity in the story. We laughed for quite awhile about it.

He went further, and explained how lucky I was that I got my life together. He thanked me for watching over and loving The Baby and him over the years. There are two very important ideas that came to light over my conversation with The Boy.

The first thing was The Boy congratulated me for finally finding forgiveness. He said in the past, I would have given him the details of the family with anger or tears. I didn't do that this time. This was the first time I had laughed about the pain and the past. He said my heart unknowingly found forgiveness, and I should grow stronger with the smiles, instead of the tears.

The second lesson learned was my child taught me something valuable. After all these years, I had gotten so used to the role of being the teacher, I had forgotten I can sometimes be the student. He is an intelligent and faithful man - no longer a boy. He can see things from a different perspective as another adult, and I had not given him credit for being an equal, until now.

It felt as though some of the load was lightened. We all have past experiences, some more horrific than others, but it belongs to us alone. Our baggage is always with us, picking up even more weight along the roads of our life. It's up to us to lighten the load, to take the crap out of the suitcase, dispose of it properly and keep with us the fondest of memories. The memory is still there, but the load becomes easier to bear, and left in the baggage, is something we actually want with us on our journey.

I have spoken with all the kids this weekend, in one way or another. I wished the oldest a happy first anniversary online this morning. I remembered so well the wonderful beach wedding a year ago. Love was everywhere, and she was so beautiful. I saw The Boy and his girl in the rain at the Festival. Licking his wounds from his pride on another matter, was hard to witness, but he waved and mouthed I love you from the rain as we pulled out. The Baby has called a few times today, just because I think she misses me. I'll have to visit her this week and get a hug.

There is no comparison to what I had to what we've built with these three wonderful ADULT children. It keeps growing and getting better. I am happier today. I am blessed.

T M I ! ! !

There seems to be a steady flow of information being given to me. Suggestions and ideas I've received lately has, and is currently turning into profitability and widening business aspects. I have no complaints with this type of information. Every detail is being disclosed, so absolute decisions and committments can be made. If more business information is needed, it is gladly given or explained.

As I get older, I feel my brain has a certain capacity for remembering things, items, events. If I pack it in too much, something will fall out of my brain storage, which is why I forget things. Lists and a tight calendar have helped, but it is inevitable I will still forget, when asked to retain so much information for others.

There has been recent information given to me, I have no idea what to do with. Last night, a woman gave me too much of her personal information, including visuals I can not seem to shake out of my head. I guess my facial expression was of shock, because I stuttered when I responded back to her. There is no real use for this information, but to "unknow" it is now impossible. It is cluttering my mind, and seems a waste of my useful brain space.

There is other information that was given to me yesterday, and I was asked if I could help decipher and make sense of it. Again, I did not know how to react. I stuttered again, in disbelief of what I was hearing. This time, I had enough sense to ask for more information and have time to think about it. Today, a few things slid into place, and all parties agreeing more communication is needed to settle the situtation. Still cluttering my mind, this situation needs further exploration, so I don't mind storing this in my brain space.

There is, yet another person, asking for information, but being elusive on what exactly she wants from me. Skating around for information is the worst for wasting brain space, because until all sides are heard, my decision will never be made. When asking for more information, a promise of more exact details is given to me, but still, she wants a firm committment from me. I can and never will understand this, as I see it as a way of manipulation. Now, in my overly cluttered mind, again I have to waste my brain space, to retain information I could care less about.

It has been a very frustrating week with information, but also a week filled with love and wonderful memories made. These new memories deserve and will receive my prime brain space. I will try to unremember the useless bullshit, and gladly make room for these amazing times and memories.

I just don't know how to go about unknowing the known. Maybe the invention of a mind filter would make life easier, where we can get rid of useless information. Images from horror movies, nonsensical crap from others and people scratching their asses in public would be at the top of my list for my mind filter. Left behind in my brain would be awesome business ideas, amazing memories of loved ones, new songs from favorite artists and the taste of chocolate.

Attraction Versus Detraction

Negative and positive energy is absolutely in the universe, especially this week. We have all felt it with two magnets. It's not something we can necessarily see, but we feel it all over our lives.

I look forward to hearing and witnessing the music tonight. It's going to be amazing to celebrate a friend and listen to the incredible talent God has given him. Surrounded by love, it will be difficult for negativity to slither its way in. Though, personally, it will be there with one person on the guest list. I've got to be as nonchalant as possible. (For me, this is difficult at times.)

RT is aware of the tiny dilemma that may occur, but, at his suggestion, I'm to handle it quickly, precisely and then walk away. It is to be a "one on one" and I am to be stealth about it, and in his words, "nib it in the bud". We've planned it down to one sentence. (LOL! A man of few words comes in quite handy, at times.) Neither of us want anything to detract from the wonderful man, his celebration, nor this beautiful night that has been planned. I've been put in charge, because RT will be playing all evening, and he wants me to be prepared.

With the feeling in the room, there will be no other attitude from me, except the constant flow of love from a crowd of awesome people. Some I admire, some I love dearly, and most everyone else I don't know as well, there will be a huge cloud of kindness. Filled with the music of talented musicians and singers, there is only one way to go, because of the energy.

I am to be the positive side of the magnet, bounce off the negativity and stick onto a solid piece in the room afterward. The higher road has a magnificent view.

ADDEN-DUMB

She's gaining on me. I hear the file sliding across her nails, honing them to points. The creaks in the floor tells me her steps are getting closer. My intuition is dead on this time.

It has been a very busy month, and there is no free time in sight, unless I come here very late, when the world is at rest. The quiet, darkness in the night, gives me time to think and observe, without distractions. In certain situations, to be correct is not necessarily good. You know what is coming. You feel the shudders, and hear the whispers behind you. This particular F.E. does not realize there are people more intuitive, smarter and more aware than herself. Fortunately, she showed her true colors to others I trust. The original maybes have turned into facts before our eyes and in our ears.

Oh dear! After all my efforts the past year to behave, and now, my dander is up and my feathers are ruffled. I have until Friday to find the words - ones that will be firm to her, yet gentle enough not to have too much of the inevitable gossip to follow. It is almost like a form of emotional extortion. I thank Mr. Heller for his description of logic without resolve, because I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

I can not hide, nor meld into the crowd, nor ignore. I am being sought. Considering my choices, is speaking the only way? Could I listen to whatever is said, and simply get up and walk away without a word spoken? This way seems so impolite, but may be a way out.

As I find the courage to stand up for myself (AGAIN), I look behind at the scars from the past. Uggghhh! Here we go again. I must find the right words -- ones that are definitive, so she will be at a more comfortable distance.

BEWARE OF FEMALE EXTREMISTS

It’s absolutely ridiculous how extreme females can be at times. Some days, I just can not muster enough strength to excuse or defend a few of my fellow species. The difference between male and females seems divided by a fence.

To put it simply, healthy women are emotionally connected to everything. Healthy men are logical and practical. This is the biggest difference between male and females, and if we would just take a peek over the fence, we would see this easily. However, with everyone in this world, there are extreme cases on both sides. There are very few men I’ve met, that are ultra sensitive and will show their emotions. There are a few, but they seems very rare. There are women who are only connected emotionally with herself, making this rarity a female extremist. They give our species a bad reputation, and makes defending ourselves more difficult.

Extremists cause disruptions, and make the rules rapidly change. For example, extremists have given us tightened security at airports, train stations, subways and any other place there is a large group of people traveling and shuffling about. Rules had to change and change very quickly, to assure safety and prevention for future events. This was not a large group of people who made us change these policies, but just a small group of extremists.

Another example of extremists are the idiotic people who do crazy ass things, like taking your hair dryer into the bath or swallowing a huge gulp of hot coffee from McDonalds. Now there are warnings and labels on products for these extremely stupid people. The detailed instructions are being passed along to the 99% of the population, who are competent and, er, smart. These changes from the small population of extremists make products more expensive and a pain in the ass to use.

Extreme women are the worst. Though few in number, they can be pointed out easily by most fellow women. Men have a more difficult time identifying them, and just like being lost, would never ever ask for directions. Female extremists, to say it simply, want everything they want. They don’t care how they get it, as long as it is theirs in the end. Their ultimate goal is for everyone to think they are as great as they think they are. When the war is over, the extremist walks away and the bodies are counted, and the rest of the female population must clean up the carnage and change the rules. It’s a matter of self preservation for the future.

I think this is why women confuse men so much. On any given day, the old rule is thrown out and a new rule takes its place. Sometimes we share why; sometimes we don’t; most of the time, men could care less. It’s really not our fault though. The women reading this, who understand what I am saying, are part of the 99% smart women out there. The few female extremists would not waste their time here anyway, nor would they really care what I said. As long as they get what they want in the end, nothing here would be worth the time to read.

I know of a few, and have learned to identify them and keep my distance. They really don’t know who they are, because I’ve never pointed my finger at them, mentioned them by name, nor have spoken to them about this personally. Nor would they care what I think. However, as you can probably tell, there is an female extremist currently in my life, that I must deal with and speak to now.

Before I can take the step back, and put that much needed distance between us, I need to be sure it actually is a F.E. If I get to close, I’ll be sucked into the nasty mess of gossip, self centered attitude and I’ll be looking straight up her turned up nose. By being close, I also risk being a target myself. This is very much like a horrible accident on the highway. We slow traffic down to a crawl, just to get a look at any blood, gore or a head rolling around the embankment. As soon as we see it, we’re shaken up and wish we hadn’t witnessed what we had seen. It’s best to keep your eyes straight, do not look and keep going at your normal speed.

I also know a couple of men who are married or are with a F.E. Ugghh. You can’t say anything, because love is blind, deaf and stupid. In these few cases, a fellow male can and will usually spot it, but, alas, says nothing either to his friend. It’s just a matter of the man victim finally reading the detailed instructions, and no longer taking the dryer into the bath for his daily shock.

I don’t really know what I am going to do yet, but I guess I will sit back and observe. I will watch while I keep my distance. It’s best to keep the information to yourself on who it is, but all the symptoms are there. She says her kids do no wrong, she proclaims to have the best life, job, etc., and everything she touches is perfect. Yet, I hear her snickering and whispering behind me, while sharpening her dagger. With a smile on her face, the nails come out and the attack can take place at any time. It makes me shudder to be this close.

Rules change for extremists. Sometimes the reasons behind the changes do not seem reasonable to others, and you may think new rules are inconvenient, overboard or even a bit silly. To the victims, the change in the rules are overdue. It just depends what side of the fence you’re on.

LEARNING ABOUT CRAP

The longer we live, the smarter we get, if we allow it. Experience says so much about someone’s life, and the older they get, the more I seem to intently listen to them. I had the pleasure of reading someone’s blog who is over 90 years old. You wouldn’t think this was possible, as we all know people in our younger age group, who have trouble turning on a computer. This particular person, however, has wanted to keep up with technology, and probably feels he still has something to say. I want to listen and learn from him. He is wise; he has life experiences like few others; he has insight I want to have because of what he has seen, lived and felt; he is lucid and aware of where the world is now. He can compare to other times in our history, which has helped him share with us. I look forward to what he has to say.

Our growing and learning as we age, is our prerogative - our choice. There are some who don’t ever learn more or correct their misguided paths, because they think their way is the correct way. Although I realize all people are not of my faith, I have tried to follow the steadfast rules of organized religion to aid myself on my path. (Again, I revert back to my thoughts, in a previous writing, of organized religion versus unorganized religion.) Organized religions have shown us the same basic concept of how to treat other people. Every one of the world’s faiths has shown this to us, and to remind myself, I will periodically pray or think of these tried and true concepts.

For awhile, it was The Ten Commandments. Most think these are simple rules to live by because they don’t steal, they don’t murder, they love God -- simple, right? For instance, “Thou shalt not steal” (#7) means more than mere stealing. To me, I ask myself if I’ve pissed away idle time while I am supposed to be working. It’s difficult to win an argument with my boss, because I am the boss. However, when I need to be working to help supply our home with income, I should be concentrating on work. Did I put materialism before the needs of my family, and spend hard earned income selfishly?

“Thou shalt not kill” (#5) would seem to be an easy one to adhere to. No murdering going on here. But I take it a step further and ask if I killed anyone’s spirit, injured someone with my words or actions, or hurt my life, marriage and parenting. Have I been angry about others, or have been judgmental, and killed their endeavors with my words, thoughts or actions? With my personal definition, I have broken this commandment over and over again.

Lately, the concept I’ve been trying to incorporate into life are the Corporal Works of Mercy. No need to Google it, here they are:

“To feed the hungry. To give drink to the thirsty. To clothe the naked. To shelter the homeless. To visit the sick. To visit those in prison. To bury the dead.”

It seems easy, but again, not as easy as you think. I struggle with these because I am so wrapped up in my own life, there seems little left of me emotionally to try with any of these. If I could get through Commandment #7, and quit pissing idle hours away, maybe I would have enough time and energy for helping others. I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying.

I chose to learn and make myself a little better person, but it is up to my mind - my free will. I can not take responsibility for others, but I can begin here - with myself. It doesn’t matter what I say, do or think, as long as I am right with Him. I can, if I chose, to explain myself to others, but in the end, I will only have to be responsible for me and only me, so I can have my sit down chat with the main guy up there. I can’t be concerned with whatever others think of me, and need to concentrate on the mess I have made in my own corner. It will probably take a lifetime of cleaning, because I keep messing up.

I’ve recently been taught I must take it a step further. I need to learn from my previous actions, and previous situations I have been involved. I must take these unpleasant experiences, some way, some how, and turn them into something better. Even if there is pain associated with remembering or reliving them, there is always something to be learned. While walking through a cow pasture, it only takes one misstep to never to do it again.

This pasture of life is a little tricky. I wish my mistakes and regrets were as easy as cow shit, but I seem to keep putting my foot in the piles. If that wasn’t bad enough, that same foot ends up in my mouth, on occasion. Ewwww!