I don't like getting older. I still think of myself as a girl in my twenties. It takes a glance in the mirror to remind me that, yes, I'm getting older. There are too many things that are changing, seemingly much too quickly. Old age just comes at a bad time in life. Downhill is supposed to be an easier ride, isn't it? A British author once said that old age is an insult and it's like being smacked. There's no one like the youth to give you those smacks into reality, and on a daily basis lately.
I was speaking to someone the other day, who is probably 10 to 15 years my junior. He is from another country and said that my hair looked different. Since English is not his original language, I thought he used the incorrect word. I wasn't sure how to take it, so smiled and thanked him. He looked perplexed, so I think I missed the insult. (SMACK!) No longer using dye on my hair was a big decision for me. So I told him, as I tried to recover the conversation and my dignity, that I only saw my own hair once in the morning, during the course of a day. Why would I care to show my family, friends and the world that my hair was brown? At least he thought my observation was astute. For my personality, it no longer made sense to me, to continue dying my hair. It had begun turning gray at 16, with a strand or two. By 25, I was Morticia Addams. (SMACK!) (SMACK!)
"Ma'am" is another one. The young boy who bags your groceries or your children's friends are instances where it may be barely palatable. However, for the lady at the department store, who looks only five years younger than me, it is not acceptable. (SMACK!) What the hell do you mean, do I have an AARP card? (SMACK!) (SMACK!)
In the local pharmacy, I look at all the pain relievers. The olden days of fast dissolving aspirin are no longer effective, and can cause problems on the middle aged body. So the bottles that catch my eye have "no stomach upset" or "arthritis formula". But only after I bend to the lower shelf and hear my knee let out an audible crack, and then, I must fumble around for my reading glasses! (SMACK!) (SMACK!) (SMACK!)
Driving down the boulevard near the house, both hands on the wheel, driving the speed limit, a young man in a fast car illegally speeds around me and flips me off! (SMACK!) There would be no satisfaction in any counterattack of returning the same gesture from me. Knowing he will be old one day is gratifying enough.
Nostalgia used to be penny candy, Buddy Holly, hopscotch and banana seats on your bike. For the younger generation, nostalgia has become Pokemon, Airheads, Spice Girls and Beanie Babies. (SMACK!) That just seems like yesterday! I think there's an Airhead candy wrapper and Pokemon card under the sofa cushion right now.
Then there's the memory, slowly fading on us. No longer remembering people's names, the word whatchmacallit or thingy is part of my current vocabulary and wondering where my glasses are, when they are on my face. I often remember the joke, but sometimes not the punchline. (SMACK!) Forgetting something, taking the stairs to retrieve it, only to have to go back down, to the exact spot to remember what you forgot. (SMACK!) With all the extra climbs on the stairs, no wonder my knees are cracking.
When buying an appliance or new floor, they are many times the store is offering lifetime guarantees. They like the older people walking in, as the guarantee instantly falls from lifetime to 10 to 30 years. (SMACK!)
I have become a napper. Twenty years ago, they were called Power Naps. Now they are a sign of getting old and not being able to make it through a day without a snooze. The Baby called me and I told her I had been napping. "Are you sick again?" "No, I just like to nap some days." "Uh, okay, Mummie." (SMACK!) If I didn't love her so much . . .
They say we get wiser and smarter with old age. That's just a backhanded compliment to go along with all the Depends and Altzheimer jokes on our birthday cards. Bastards! They'll see one day. Unfortunately, we'll all be dead. (SMACK!)
Now that I've totally smacked myself silly, er, nevermind. I forgot my brilliant ending, but will surely wake up at 3:00 a.m. remembering it. (SMACK!)
Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Mean Woman Blues
NOTE TO CP:
Roy Orbison's site gave us an opportunity to access one of their "locked" songs.
I chose "Mean Woman Blues" because I'm a bitch and it suits me. ; )
If you're talking musically, there's a rockabilly guitar riff in there that I like.
Yes, I listen to it all when it passes my screen.
Yes, I favor good guitar and piano playing.
Yes, I absolutely listen to lyrics - very intensely at times.
Yes, I think all forms of music are viable to somebody, somewhere at sometime.
Yes, I grew up in a "musical" house. It was the one requirement I enjoyed. Piano.
No, I don't think anyone else out there really cares what you or I think.
Yes, you ramble more than me and look, I did post it on the blog.
Geez, I'm up too early for all these questions.
Sorry you can't sleep. Go back to bed.
Roy Orbison's site gave us an opportunity to access one of their "locked" songs.
I chose "Mean Woman Blues" because I'm a bitch and it suits me. ; )
If you're talking musically, there's a rockabilly guitar riff in there that I like.
Yes, I listen to it all when it passes my screen.
Yes, I favor good guitar and piano playing.
Yes, I absolutely listen to lyrics - very intensely at times.
Yes, I think all forms of music are viable to somebody, somewhere at sometime.
Yes, I grew up in a "musical" house. It was the one requirement I enjoyed. Piano.
No, I don't think anyone else out there really cares what you or I think.
Yes, you ramble more than me and look, I did post it on the blog.
Geez, I'm up too early for all these questions.
Sorry you can't sleep. Go back to bed.
Secrets, Lies, Facades
Everyone has at least one secret. Today, I fell flat on my ass in the kitchen. The old dog saw me and came over and gave me a sniff, while I was down on her level and moaning. It was her way of making sure I was alright, I guess. I told her there would be no more doggie cookies, EVER, if she told a living sole of my embarrassing fall. As I got up and rubbed my bum, she looked right at me and wagged her tail. I took that as agreement to the pact. So, now that I've shared, that's no longer a secret of mine.
Secrets are not always a bad part of our life. Actually, I think sometimes they are necessary. A surprise party would just be a party. Little girls would never giggle without secrets to share. We'd never have believed in Santa or the Tooth Fairy. Diets would be devastating without the sneaking around for that elusive Oreo. Very few people know of how many tattoos I have, and where they are located. We would all know what we were getting for Christmas or birthdays, and there would be no reason in the world for any type of gift wrap!
However, secrets can be destructive as well. A child that hides the behavior of parents or family members for years can cause heartache, nearly beyond repair. A person that keeps a secret of someone who is self destructive can cause an immeasurable amount of sadness. Witnessing a violent event and keeping it a secret can leave you in total anguish. Good and bad happen with secrets, and it is up to our own discretion to decide which secrets are best kept and which ones should be disclosed. No, I'm not revealing any secrets of or about anyone. The first paragraph of this blog is enough of my secrets for tonight!
Lies are not always bad either. Do you know of even one husband that would say, "Why yes, dear, you actually DO look fat in those jeans?" Or do you know of one single teenager that would come home from their date and say, "Yes, Mom, I drank beer and got laid tonight." What about that friend that says "I'm painting my house hot pink. What do you think?" LOL! In these three situations, I want to hear the lies. PLEASE lie to me!
And like secrets, lies can be destructive. The idle gossip between people that have not walked in someone else's shoes can be very hurtful. We've all been on this receiving end, at one time or another. The child that lies in defense of an abuser or the young person that believes the lies of trusted people around them. All of these deceptions are destructive and take time, years to some, to regain trust again.
Facades have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Facades are the worst traits of secrets and lies combined together. They are fake, and even knowing that they are fake does not make it easier to digest. Some like to live a facade that they are "holy" people - kneeling and praying and pretending to be apathetic. Some like to show others that they have financial security with a large home or nice car, when they are in debt up to their eyeballs. Some like to show that they are in total control in their business endeavors, and go home to find their home life falling apart at the seams. Some like to appear to be the best parents in the world, while the child is living in fear or remorse.
This blog goes in and out, between comedy and tragedy ~~~ such is life. The lesson learned is the obvious. Without forgiveness of others, there is no quality to life. Forgiveness of the destructive secrets, lies and facades in my early life has been quite an expedition, and a journey that I have not yet completed entirely. The rest of my life, there will be some days of pain and hurt, but I have learned something that can never be taken away from me again. The knowledge that forgiveness is not a recommended action, but rather an absolute essential action that I must take in order for peace to be with and around me.
Some family, a few dear friends, a couple of loving priests, and one intelligent and expensive family psychiatrist have all helped me. With these fine examples in the past two years, all have been pivotal in my healing process. Some know of their help and my progress - most do not realize that by their words, and especially, their actions, have shown me the kind way the world was meant to be. This blog has even helped me get the random, inane twaddle out of me, and I was able to concentrate on the more serious writing that I needed to finish.
In conclusion, the book is nearly complete. I have no idea what to do with it now. It bares my life and soul, but is a faith based book on how I have learned to forgive. If I pursue publication, I am wary that people of my past will be hurt, and that it may appear to be retaliatory. I'm concerned that my grown children or current close friends will have questions and not ask them. On the other hand, I can share experiences with others that will not have to take as many painful steps as I have had to do, to reach the same inevitable conclusion of healing. I may be able to help someone. I am weighing each side of the issue on the figurative scale in my mind, and have not yet made a decision what to do with all this paper.
P.S. Maybe a nom de plume! Only the faithful 50 or so blog readers that I share with will actually know it's me! LOL! IMA BICCI - IONA GUNN - MAY HYDE - SHELIA PEASE - BETTY KANT - Go ahead. Give it your best shot. I know a few of you are aching to suggest a name.
R & J???
Secrets are not always a bad part of our life. Actually, I think sometimes they are necessary. A surprise party would just be a party. Little girls would never giggle without secrets to share. We'd never have believed in Santa or the Tooth Fairy. Diets would be devastating without the sneaking around for that elusive Oreo. Very few people know of how many tattoos I have, and where they are located. We would all know what we were getting for Christmas or birthdays, and there would be no reason in the world for any type of gift wrap!
However, secrets can be destructive as well. A child that hides the behavior of parents or family members for years can cause heartache, nearly beyond repair. A person that keeps a secret of someone who is self destructive can cause an immeasurable amount of sadness. Witnessing a violent event and keeping it a secret can leave you in total anguish. Good and bad happen with secrets, and it is up to our own discretion to decide which secrets are best kept and which ones should be disclosed. No, I'm not revealing any secrets of or about anyone. The first paragraph of this blog is enough of my secrets for tonight!
Lies are not always bad either. Do you know of even one husband that would say, "Why yes, dear, you actually DO look fat in those jeans?" Or do you know of one single teenager that would come home from their date and say, "Yes, Mom, I drank beer and got laid tonight." What about that friend that says "I'm painting my house hot pink. What do you think?" LOL! In these three situations, I want to hear the lies. PLEASE lie to me!
And like secrets, lies can be destructive. The idle gossip between people that have not walked in someone else's shoes can be very hurtful. We've all been on this receiving end, at one time or another. The child that lies in defense of an abuser or the young person that believes the lies of trusted people around them. All of these deceptions are destructive and take time, years to some, to regain trust again.
Facades have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Facades are the worst traits of secrets and lies combined together. They are fake, and even knowing that they are fake does not make it easier to digest. Some like to live a facade that they are "holy" people - kneeling and praying and pretending to be apathetic. Some like to show others that they have financial security with a large home or nice car, when they are in debt up to their eyeballs. Some like to show that they are in total control in their business endeavors, and go home to find their home life falling apart at the seams. Some like to appear to be the best parents in the world, while the child is living in fear or remorse.
This blog goes in and out, between comedy and tragedy ~~~ such is life. The lesson learned is the obvious. Without forgiveness of others, there is no quality to life. Forgiveness of the destructive secrets, lies and facades in my early life has been quite an expedition, and a journey that I have not yet completed entirely. The rest of my life, there will be some days of pain and hurt, but I have learned something that can never be taken away from me again. The knowledge that forgiveness is not a recommended action, but rather an absolute essential action that I must take in order for peace to be with and around me.
Some family, a few dear friends, a couple of loving priests, and one intelligent and expensive family psychiatrist have all helped me. With these fine examples in the past two years, all have been pivotal in my healing process. Some know of their help and my progress - most do not realize that by their words, and especially, their actions, have shown me the kind way the world was meant to be. This blog has even helped me get the random, inane twaddle out of me, and I was able to concentrate on the more serious writing that I needed to finish.
In conclusion, the book is nearly complete. I have no idea what to do with it now. It bares my life and soul, but is a faith based book on how I have learned to forgive. If I pursue publication, I am wary that people of my past will be hurt, and that it may appear to be retaliatory. I'm concerned that my grown children or current close friends will have questions and not ask them. On the other hand, I can share experiences with others that will not have to take as many painful steps as I have had to do, to reach the same inevitable conclusion of healing. I may be able to help someone. I am weighing each side of the issue on the figurative scale in my mind, and have not yet made a decision what to do with all this paper.
P.S. Maybe a nom de plume! Only the faithful 50 or so blog readers that I share with will actually know it's me! LOL! IMA BICCI - IONA GUNN - MAY HYDE - SHELIA PEASE - BETTY KANT - Go ahead. Give it your best shot. I know a few of you are aching to suggest a name.
R & J???
Monday, February 25, 2008
LOVE/HATE Relationships
Everyone has Love/Hate relationships. One minute you can't live without it and your heart beats faster. The next minute, you can't stand it and want to be miles away. Mine are with several things and one person.
Chocolate: I love it, but regret whenever I eat it because it's so freakin fattening!
Politics: I love politics, but hate the fact that a woman may be President. Other countries have had women leaders, queens, princesses, empresses, but they've been trained since birth, not in the past ten years or so.
Songs: I love songs, but especially hate it when a weird one gets stuck in your head and you just can't shake it.
Birthdays: Self explanatory.
Greeting cards: I guess I like to receive them, as the sentiment is always nice. I hate the fact that they are $5.00 a piece and they're not in the words of the purchaser.
Squirrels: They are a wonderful sign that nature is around - even in a large city. But they are nothing but destructive rats with fluffy tails and they cause car accidents.
Insurance: I am always glad I have it when I need it, but despise paying the premiums.
Television: It is entertaining at times, but a complete waste of time.
Dentist Appointments: Again, self explanatory.
My motorcycle: I love riding, but people on the road have made me too nervous to ride now. No one watches out and everyone is just in too big of a hurry, even at the expense of knocking someone off a bike.
Car washes: As soon as you come out of a car wash, a bird kraps on your car.
Lighting: Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. When there is bad lighting, it can make you look awful! Everyone has photos of themselves to prove it.
And finally, the one person in my life. I really don't hate, as that is a very strong word, but I just can not stand to be around them anymore. Luckily, we don't meet up often, so it's controllable. When I think of this person, I remember the kindness that brought me to them. When we're together, I can't see it anymore. A couple of weeks ago was a perfect example. I thought it would be nice to see them, and remembered the talent and wit. During and after the meeting, it was pure ick. No other word to describe it. Just ick!
Now the quandary on where to go from here. Ignore messages? That's a cowardly way for anyone to behave. Maybe to come right out and say something would be best, but that has not worked in the past either. I have to think of something, as I think relationships are worth saving. My relationships with chocolate, squirrels and greeting cards are certainly disposable, but not a human being.
I will look at the positive side of things. I will know that I had a great check up at the dentist. My car is clean. My motorcycle is fine just where it is right now. This person has some wonderful attributes, and I would love to get close to them once again. Maybe next time it will be better. I wonder if they think the same of me?
Chocolate: I love it, but regret whenever I eat it because it's so freakin fattening!
Politics: I love politics, but hate the fact that a woman may be President. Other countries have had women leaders, queens, princesses, empresses, but they've been trained since birth, not in the past ten years or so.
Songs: I love songs, but especially hate it when a weird one gets stuck in your head and you just can't shake it.
Birthdays: Self explanatory.
Greeting cards: I guess I like to receive them, as the sentiment is always nice. I hate the fact that they are $5.00 a piece and they're not in the words of the purchaser.
Squirrels: They are a wonderful sign that nature is around - even in a large city. But they are nothing but destructive rats with fluffy tails and they cause car accidents.
Insurance: I am always glad I have it when I need it, but despise paying the premiums.
Television: It is entertaining at times, but a complete waste of time.
Dentist Appointments: Again, self explanatory.
My motorcycle: I love riding, but people on the road have made me too nervous to ride now. No one watches out and everyone is just in too big of a hurry, even at the expense of knocking someone off a bike.
Car washes: As soon as you come out of a car wash, a bird kraps on your car.
Lighting: Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. When there is bad lighting, it can make you look awful! Everyone has photos of themselves to prove it.
And finally, the one person in my life. I really don't hate, as that is a very strong word, but I just can not stand to be around them anymore. Luckily, we don't meet up often, so it's controllable. When I think of this person, I remember the kindness that brought me to them. When we're together, I can't see it anymore. A couple of weeks ago was a perfect example. I thought it would be nice to see them, and remembered the talent and wit. During and after the meeting, it was pure ick. No other word to describe it. Just ick!
Now the quandary on where to go from here. Ignore messages? That's a cowardly way for anyone to behave. Maybe to come right out and say something would be best, but that has not worked in the past either. I have to think of something, as I think relationships are worth saving. My relationships with chocolate, squirrels and greeting cards are certainly disposable, but not a human being.
I will look at the positive side of things. I will know that I had a great check up at the dentist. My car is clean. My motorcycle is fine just where it is right now. This person has some wonderful attributes, and I would love to get close to them once again. Maybe next time it will be better. I wonder if they think the same of me?
Friday, February 22, 2008
Best Advice for Three Inquisitive Minds
Sounds easy, but now they're matriculating! It's the same questions of their youth, only this time, there is actually long conversations, going in both directions. "Mummie, what is this for? or "How does this work?" or "What should I do?"
It's so refreshing to have their teenage egos finally put aside. They call and ask for advice, or learned something new and want to share it with me. I love the long telephone talks I had with all three of them this week.
Jessica called this week and we spoke for about an hour about her upcoming wedding. She didn't quite know where to start the wedding process, but knows where she wants to be married. I listened to her thoughts and wariness, and assured her that any decision she made about her day would be correct, no matter what anyone else had to say. Every bride has their own idea of the perfect wedding. She just needs to relate what she wants and we'll do our best to give it to her. This will be a big budget item, but we are certainly ready to give her what she wants. My best advice to her was to make it her day, as she would only have this one wedding day for the rest of her life, and it should be just the way she pictures it. She promised not to turn into "Bride-zilla" on us. : )
The Boy called too this week. We talked for an hour and a half! That's a long talk with any man! He's not as nervous about his future as he was a few months ago, as he finishes his last year of college. He is looking forward to the future now, and excited about being our new renter this summer in the old house. He was anxious to speak to his adviser next week on finalizing the last terms of his college education. The sheepskin is getting closer and closer. He finally sees that the world is at the tip of his fingers and within his grasp. My best advice to him was to enjoy these last 10 months or so, as a "college kid". Responsibilities come far too quickly and he should enjoy this last bit of time.
The Baby also called this week. She called at 12:30 a.m. and we talked until 3:30 a.m. What weird freakin hours this one has, but she comes by it honestly, as I was awake and happy to answer the phone and talk! She and I spoke of transcendentalism and Ralph Waldo Emerson. Through the entire telephone call, she was enthralled at her new found knowledge of this subject. She said that she has been thinking about it, and made the realization that everything good comes from love. She said it is the exact message of the teachings of Buddha, Vishnu, Jesus, Muhammad, and what all what all religions and faiths are based on. I told her that sometimes people listened to God's Word and His teachers and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they hear Jesus' additional commandment to love one another and sometimes they don't. So God has graciously given us other people of our life time to drive His loving message home to us. My best advice to her was for her to go and listen to The Beatles' Abbey Road and the final words on the album.
So, at 29, 22 and 19, they are still kids. Sometimes, they get a little stunned when they come to a crossroads, or just awestruck, as the world unfolds around them. All three are fun and wonderful people to be with. All three are going through different circumstances, but are all handling their lives well. All three are independent enough to make righteous decisions. But the three of them are also intelligent, and are not hesitant to pick up the phone and ask for advice. They are Godsends that make me wonder how I deserved this. It's also nice that they don't have to have their noses or butts wiped anymore either.
"And in the end, the love you make, is equal to the love you take".
It's so refreshing to have their teenage egos finally put aside. They call and ask for advice, or learned something new and want to share it with me. I love the long telephone talks I had with all three of them this week.
Jessica called this week and we spoke for about an hour about her upcoming wedding. She didn't quite know where to start the wedding process, but knows where she wants to be married. I listened to her thoughts and wariness, and assured her that any decision she made about her day would be correct, no matter what anyone else had to say. Every bride has their own idea of the perfect wedding. She just needs to relate what she wants and we'll do our best to give it to her. This will be a big budget item, but we are certainly ready to give her what she wants. My best advice to her was to make it her day, as she would only have this one wedding day for the rest of her life, and it should be just the way she pictures it. She promised not to turn into "Bride-zilla" on us. : )
The Boy called too this week. We talked for an hour and a half! That's a long talk with any man! He's not as nervous about his future as he was a few months ago, as he finishes his last year of college. He is looking forward to the future now, and excited about being our new renter this summer in the old house. He was anxious to speak to his adviser next week on finalizing the last terms of his college education. The sheepskin is getting closer and closer. He finally sees that the world is at the tip of his fingers and within his grasp. My best advice to him was to enjoy these last 10 months or so, as a "college kid". Responsibilities come far too quickly and he should enjoy this last bit of time.
The Baby also called this week. She called at 12:30 a.m. and we talked until 3:30 a.m. What weird freakin hours this one has, but she comes by it honestly, as I was awake and happy to answer the phone and talk! She and I spoke of transcendentalism and Ralph Waldo Emerson. Through the entire telephone call, she was enthralled at her new found knowledge of this subject. She said that she has been thinking about it, and made the realization that everything good comes from love. She said it is the exact message of the teachings of Buddha, Vishnu, Jesus, Muhammad, and what all what all religions and faiths are based on. I told her that sometimes people listened to God's Word and His teachers and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they hear Jesus' additional commandment to love one another and sometimes they don't. So God has graciously given us other people of our life time to drive His loving message home to us. My best advice to her was for her to go and listen to The Beatles' Abbey Road and the final words on the album.
So, at 29, 22 and 19, they are still kids. Sometimes, they get a little stunned when they come to a crossroads, or just awestruck, as the world unfolds around them. All three are fun and wonderful people to be with. All three are going through different circumstances, but are all handling their lives well. All three are independent enough to make righteous decisions. But the three of them are also intelligent, and are not hesitant to pick up the phone and ask for advice. They are Godsends that make me wonder how I deserved this. It's also nice that they don't have to have their noses or butts wiped anymore either.
"And in the end, the love you make, is equal to the love you take".
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
under the weather
It finally got me! The crud, the flu, the bug that's going around. I think RT was the carrier from the sax player in their band. I went to a doctor today, as mine is currently in Haiti saving lives. His accomplice worked out well though, as she was very smart, intelligent, funny, and has a great bedside manner too. She gave me an Rx to be filled and confirmed influenza. Great. She also said to lay low, get rest, plenty of fluids, blah blah blah. The best question was, "When did you feel it coming on?" "Saturday", I told her, "but I slept from midnight to 3:00 in the afternoon on Monday and then felt like my head had been run over by a freight train when I woke." "Yup, that's the flu!"
There is ALWAYS a positive side of things with everything in life. Even the flu??? YES!!! I didn't have to wait long in the exam room, with the "healthy" patients or the healthy family members of the other patients. One loud congested cough signing in and they had my ass on the exam table within minutes! Got out of there just as fast too!
Went to the pharmacist and scribbled my birth date on the Rx. She looked at the paper and looked at me. I must have looked a little green. She told the woman in front of me 15 minutes for her prescription - she told me just to wait, and she would get it for me right away! LOL! Nothing like being contagious, eh??
I got home and the dog even knows I'm not up to the usual energy level. She laid on my feet and kept my feet warm until we both dozed off on the sofa together. Slept through the dinner hour and awoke to RT saying "hello". I don't really have to have any excuse on what I accomplished today. It really wasn't anything except the doctor's visit. Apparently that was enough for everyone concerned.
So I've slept for 30 hours out of the last 36 hours that have past. I'll dose myself and stay away from everyone. My mind is blurry and lips and head are on literally ablaze. RT took me outside for a look at the eclipse, which I may not remember seeing. I guess it's time for a nap now.
There is ALWAYS a positive side of things with everything in life. Even the flu??? YES!!! I didn't have to wait long in the exam room, with the "healthy" patients or the healthy family members of the other patients. One loud congested cough signing in and they had my ass on the exam table within minutes! Got out of there just as fast too!
Went to the pharmacist and scribbled my birth date on the Rx. She looked at the paper and looked at me. I must have looked a little green. She told the woman in front of me 15 minutes for her prescription - she told me just to wait, and she would get it for me right away! LOL! Nothing like being contagious, eh??
I got home and the dog even knows I'm not up to the usual energy level. She laid on my feet and kept my feet warm until we both dozed off on the sofa together. Slept through the dinner hour and awoke to RT saying "hello". I don't really have to have any excuse on what I accomplished today. It really wasn't anything except the doctor's visit. Apparently that was enough for everyone concerned.
So I've slept for 30 hours out of the last 36 hours that have past. I'll dose myself and stay away from everyone. My mind is blurry and lips and head are on literally ablaze. RT took me outside for a look at the eclipse, which I may not remember seeing. I guess it's time for a nap now.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Let's Take Drinking More Seriously ~~hic~~
I'm fine, I think. Thanks for asking, but I need a drink. There are times in your life when you have a glass of wine with friends. You have an after dinner drink after a luscious meal. You have a beer at a baseball game or Octoberfest. These times of drinking are sociably acceptable and, actually, expected. There are a few times in life when you actually NEED that drink. You have to pull yourself away and take a swig or shot of that gin or vodka. Something strong that suddenly forces you into a different frame of mind. It is that day.
I've been withholding information. I just get tired of saying the same old krap though. Everything in my health is apparently fine, but blood tests came back last week and all meds need to be adjusted. One week of not worrying was not enough at all. I need the two years back. I need the reprieve, but will deal with this minor setback. I have finally figured out that the cancer was easy; it's the symptoms afterwards that purely suck.
One thing that is aggravating is that when people say "God will only give you what you can handle." I love God, but this is a crock! Once He gives you too much for you to handle, you die. Or when people say that God only gives it to the strong people. That's a crock too! No one sees or hears the quiet weeping or the yelling to Him in prayer. When He gives it to the weak, they die too. These cliches do not make anyone feel better, so please quit using them. "Tough break" makes much more sense, and gets right to the point, eh? Or what about, "That's too bad. Let's have a drink". LOL
Because of the immune system being undependable, I've decided to forego the trip to Haiti this year. The entire country is diseased and both the Haitians and I are touchy-feely people. After discussing with RT, he thought it was a smart idea. I've donated the two tickets to two men at the parish I know will be going there anyway this year, and they will do a lot of good on their trip together. I will look forward to the stories from them, as there are ALWAYS stories from them.
: )
I was able to have a few conversations with RT this weekend, in and out of the NASCAR blurbs on the tube. During the Daytona, I didn't say a word though. I knew he wanted to watch it. We are helping to plan Jess' wedding and we had to talk to each other, then to her this weekend. RT & I have our irons in the fire on another big event coming up soon. Sssshhh. I can't ruin the surprise or talk about it, just yet. I mailed a bunch of things out on Saturday morning. Heee heee. Update will be coming on both events later. Heee heee.
So I will not dwell on troubles or anxieties. I am putting them on the back burner in my mind for now. I will let God handle what is on my plate and try to do what He expects me to do. Live and smile. It's time to party and have some fun. It's time to relax and enjoy the upcoming spring. It's time to watch the winter blues dissolve and raise a glass or two. To let it all pass by would be sinful. I'd rather accumulate my sins in other ways.
I think I have underestimated all my years in the wine business. I have to get past that it is work. It's no longer work for me and I need to learn to enjoy drinking again. I have collected quite a nice selection of wines over the years and need to drink them, instead of hoarding them. Otherwise everyone will be drinking them at my funeral. That won't be too much fun for me. As an old man once told me, "I've never seen a U-Haul following a hearse, so you can't take it with you."
Cheers - here we go!
I've been withholding information. I just get tired of saying the same old krap though. Everything in my health is apparently fine, but blood tests came back last week and all meds need to be adjusted. One week of not worrying was not enough at all. I need the two years back. I need the reprieve, but will deal with this minor setback. I have finally figured out that the cancer was easy; it's the symptoms afterwards that purely suck.
One thing that is aggravating is that when people say "God will only give you what you can handle." I love God, but this is a crock! Once He gives you too much for you to handle, you die. Or when people say that God only gives it to the strong people. That's a crock too! No one sees or hears the quiet weeping or the yelling to Him in prayer. When He gives it to the weak, they die too. These cliches do not make anyone feel better, so please quit using them. "Tough break" makes much more sense, and gets right to the point, eh? Or what about, "That's too bad. Let's have a drink". LOL
Because of the immune system being undependable, I've decided to forego the trip to Haiti this year. The entire country is diseased and both the Haitians and I are touchy-feely people. After discussing with RT, he thought it was a smart idea. I've donated the two tickets to two men at the parish I know will be going there anyway this year, and they will do a lot of good on their trip together. I will look forward to the stories from them, as there are ALWAYS stories from them.
: )
I was able to have a few conversations with RT this weekend, in and out of the NASCAR blurbs on the tube. During the Daytona, I didn't say a word though. I knew he wanted to watch it. We are helping to plan Jess' wedding and we had to talk to each other, then to her this weekend. RT & I have our irons in the fire on another big event coming up soon. Sssshhh. I can't ruin the surprise or talk about it, just yet. I mailed a bunch of things out on Saturday morning. Heee heee. Update will be coming on both events later. Heee heee.
So I will not dwell on troubles or anxieties. I am putting them on the back burner in my mind for now. I will let God handle what is on my plate and try to do what He expects me to do. Live and smile. It's time to party and have some fun. It's time to relax and enjoy the upcoming spring. It's time to watch the winter blues dissolve and raise a glass or two. To let it all pass by would be sinful. I'd rather accumulate my sins in other ways.
I think I have underestimated all my years in the wine business. I have to get past that it is work. It's no longer work for me and I need to learn to enjoy drinking again. I have collected quite a nice selection of wines over the years and need to drink them, instead of hoarding them. Otherwise everyone will be drinking them at my funeral. That won't be too much fun for me. As an old man once told me, "I've never seen a U-Haul following a hearse, so you can't take it with you."
Cheers - here we go!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Will U B Mine?
This will be my usual annual rant on Valentine's Day, but hopefully, you will also see my steadfast rant against today's media. As this is an election year, we have already had our fill with the media. Two weeks ago, before many of the state primaries, they were saying that Obama and Huckabee didn't have a chance. Now that the votes have been counted, the media quickly changed their stories because what they were reporting, is NOT what the American public was thinking. DUH!
I wish I knew what true love was. I don't think that many of us on Earth really know. It's hard to say how far you would go for someone you love. You really don't know what you would do for true love, unless the situation hits you in the face. We watch television, movies and read books and learn of people's love for one another. We want to believe that our relationships are infallible and will not crumble, and we constantly search for that romance and wonderful happy ending. I look to St. Valentine as my human example.
Any young man under the age of 30, please listen. NOT EVERY WOMAN wants you to purchase a diamond to show them you love her. NOT EVERY WOMAN wants you to spend two months salary on an engagement ring, and to begin your lives together in debt. NOT EVERY WOMAN needs jewelry as a scale on how much you care. The diamond industry has made some women feel that they "deserve" an expensive bauble and, that your man doesn't really care for you if you don't receive this as a gift on Valentine's Day! They take advantage of the bull shit media of today and broadcast these messages to all and it simply isn't true. (NOTE: Do NOT attempt to talk to her now. It's too late for this year. Speak to her on the 15th.)
Don't get me wrong. RT and I were engaged on St. Valentine's Day, many years ago. But I boycott the commercialism that is attached to this holiday. I want no part of it. It undermines the real life of a wonderful saint, who secretly married Christian couples under the bogus and harsh judicial system of Emperor Claudius. St. Valentine also helped any Christian that was being persecuted during ancient Roman times. His death sentence was supposed to be beating him to death. When that failed, they beheaded him. It's THIS amazing and incredible love he so adamantly believed in that should be remembered and celebrated on Valentine's Day, the day that this wonderful saint died.
Knowing of my reverence for St. Valentine, my disgust for commercialism/media exploitation, and my frugality in daily life, tomorrow will be quite an easy day for RT. A simple greeting in the morning or evening of "Happy St. Valentine's Day" works for me. I don't want to wait for two hours at a restaurant tomorrow night - Chinese to go and eating in flannel in front of the TV works very well. I don't want flowers, as I get myself flowers at Fresh Market almost weekly. The best part of our Valentine's celebrations would be on Friday, at the grocery store for sale day on chocolate. RT laughs at me each year when I bring home the discounted goodies, and I try, in my own way, to bring Brach's and Russell Stovers to their financial knees. ; )
Yes, the pink and red hearts are cute, and you won't see me passing up any candy, chocolate or cupcakes tomorrow. I want to be loved and felt appreciated too, but it shouldn't be an annual thing with the people closest to you. It should be an everyday occurrence and a consistent flow, bouncing off each other.
In the past few months, we both have experienced first hand that this is the most difficult part of a relationship. When the ebbs of a relationship are at their lowest, it's up to us to boost it back to the celebration it should be. It takes hard work with mind and heart working together. At first, it's just the mind that works on it, and, hopefully, the heart soon follows. Waiting, thinking, and feeling for the relationship is arduous and exhausting, but worth St. Valentine's ideal of true love. The easy way out would be to purchase an expensive trinket once a year.
None of you are getting anything from me, except a heartfelt "Happy Valentine's Day". And, for a few of you, I honestly mean it. Chinese food served at 7:00 at my house - flannel optional.
I wish I knew what true love was. I don't think that many of us on Earth really know. It's hard to say how far you would go for someone you love. You really don't know what you would do for true love, unless the situation hits you in the face. We watch television, movies and read books and learn of people's love for one another. We want to believe that our relationships are infallible and will not crumble, and we constantly search for that romance and wonderful happy ending. I look to St. Valentine as my human example.
Any young man under the age of 30, please listen. NOT EVERY WOMAN wants you to purchase a diamond to show them you love her. NOT EVERY WOMAN wants you to spend two months salary on an engagement ring, and to begin your lives together in debt. NOT EVERY WOMAN needs jewelry as a scale on how much you care. The diamond industry has made some women feel that they "deserve" an expensive bauble and, that your man doesn't really care for you if you don't receive this as a gift on Valentine's Day! They take advantage of the bull shit media of today and broadcast these messages to all and it simply isn't true. (NOTE: Do NOT attempt to talk to her now. It's too late for this year. Speak to her on the 15th.)
Don't get me wrong. RT and I were engaged on St. Valentine's Day, many years ago. But I boycott the commercialism that is attached to this holiday. I want no part of it. It undermines the real life of a wonderful saint, who secretly married Christian couples under the bogus and harsh judicial system of Emperor Claudius. St. Valentine also helped any Christian that was being persecuted during ancient Roman times. His death sentence was supposed to be beating him to death. When that failed, they beheaded him. It's THIS amazing and incredible love he so adamantly believed in that should be remembered and celebrated on Valentine's Day, the day that this wonderful saint died.
Knowing of my reverence for St. Valentine, my disgust for commercialism/media exploitation, and my frugality in daily life, tomorrow will be quite an easy day for RT. A simple greeting in the morning or evening of "Happy St. Valentine's Day" works for me. I don't want to wait for two hours at a restaurant tomorrow night - Chinese to go and eating in flannel in front of the TV works very well. I don't want flowers, as I get myself flowers at Fresh Market almost weekly. The best part of our Valentine's celebrations would be on Friday, at the grocery store for sale day on chocolate. RT laughs at me each year when I bring home the discounted goodies, and I try, in my own way, to bring Brach's and Russell Stovers to their financial knees. ; )
Yes, the pink and red hearts are cute, and you won't see me passing up any candy, chocolate or cupcakes tomorrow. I want to be loved and felt appreciated too, but it shouldn't be an annual thing with the people closest to you. It should be an everyday occurrence and a consistent flow, bouncing off each other.
In the past few months, we both have experienced first hand that this is the most difficult part of a relationship. When the ebbs of a relationship are at their lowest, it's up to us to boost it back to the celebration it should be. It takes hard work with mind and heart working together. At first, it's just the mind that works on it, and, hopefully, the heart soon follows. Waiting, thinking, and feeling for the relationship is arduous and exhausting, but worth St. Valentine's ideal of true love. The easy way out would be to purchase an expensive trinket once a year.
None of you are getting anything from me, except a heartfelt "Happy Valentine's Day". And, for a few of you, I honestly mean it. Chinese food served at 7:00 at my house - flannel optional.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Southern Comfort
I absolutely love living in a small Southern town. Only fifty miles from downtown Atlanta's hustle, today is a beautiful calm Saturday morning with azure skies. After a few months of winter weather, the lake has calmed down to a steady, gentle ripple. Some trees and bushes are beginning to show signs of rebirth with buds. This Yankee has learned to love grits, bourbon, sweet iced tea, gentle breezes and southern drawls.
This small town consists of friendly people, but being in the South, they become folk. The folks in the South are friendlier and not in any hurry of any kind. There is a railroad running through the town, and if you get caught behind the crossing, you count the freight cars on the train. You don't curse, you count. By the high school, there is an emu farm, and not too far from them, there is a buffalo farm. The buffalo don't move, but it's fun to watch the emu run. There is a ranch down the road that raise beef cattle. They also have about 30 heads of goat to keep the placed trimmed up nicely. In the other direction, by the country weekly auction place, there is another cattle farmer with "oreo" (sp?) cows. They are a hybrid cow with black in front and black in back and white in the middle. You get to know this kind of information living in this town. There are a few very nice restaurants and coffee shops, spotted with the normal antique and gift shops. If you don't like old fashioned people at a slower rate, this place would give you a nervous breakdown.
This morning starts off, as usual, as a trip in the car to run the many errands that have accumulated this week. Post office, bank, cleaners would be visited and everything was in the car, ready to go. Yesterday's posted envelopes from the office, a package, the keys to both post office boxes, deposit slips filled out and a week's worth of clothes for the cleaners are all stuffed in the back of my little car. I turned on some soothing Nathan East on the iPod and buckled up around 10:30.
I stopped for gas and the new employee really messed up the customer before me, then blundered the receipt for my order of gas. The poor girl just kept apologizing. No worries. Beautiful day. No hurry. It took about 20 minutes for the manager to come over and straighten everything out. I felt so bad for her being so flustered at herself. I reassured her that she was just in the learning curve for her new job. She would know more than the boss in no time at all.
As I drove down the street, a dump truck pulled out and I had to back off a little, as he had an ominous load of gravel. By this time, I am into the official city limits of the little town, so slowing down was inevitable anyway. Post office by 11:00 and still had plenty of time for the bank. The line was long. There were two older gentlemen behind me that began a conversation with me. Nice way to pass the time - talking and listening to two old Southern men bantering about the postal rate increases. "Heck, I remember back when a postage stamp was three cents back in '62." I had no idea. That was shocking to me and I was sucked into the vortex of their conversation.
I approached the counter, and on my way out, I said good-bye to the two older men. I pulled the mail out of the boxes and one of the old gentlemen had caught up to me and held the door for me. In the parking lot, he talked to me about his Crown Victoria and the rear wheel drive. I now know the difference between rear wheel and front wheel drive. Mr. Bradley (his name) told me the history of the Ford, the Crown Victoria and his day at the dealer when he purchased it. He told me of his wife who had recently passed away (last September), his grandchildren and the weather. He told me about the demolition of the old building in this small town and he had hoped it wouldn't be replaced with a new repulsive metal building. He was kind and gentle and I just couldn't help but think that he missed his deceased wife, and wanted to talk to someone. I smiled and finally said so long. He said he was sure we'd run into each other again.
Back on the road at 11:35. Hopefully, I'll make the bank before noon and not keep my favorite teller girls from getting home to their young families for their weekend to begin. A policeman pulls behind me with his lights on, and I pull to the shoulder of the road. He passes me, with siren blaring and lights flashing. I got to the bank ten minutes before closing. Chatted with all of the girls. The manager, Jeanne, came out and said hello and I joined her for a cup of awful oxide coffee that I pretended to enjoy.
I got in the car and made the short hop to the dry cleaners and there's my police officer parked directly in front of the store. I found a parking spot and made my way in with the big load of clothes to my last stop. Nick, the owner, is always a sweetheart. His wife does any alteration you need and their two children are adorable. Nick and I are talking about the new shopping center down the street, when another police car pulls up. Soon a third one, followed by the city's large red fire truck. A few minutes later, an ambulance blares in the parking lot. Nick said that since he was a child, he was a nosy person, and his mother would confirm it. He really wanted to know what was going on. I told him he was not nosy, but curious. He laughed and said he was going to share that with his mom and family. It sounded more like a compliment to be curious. Nick and I stood and watched the scene unfold.
Thirty minutes had gone by and the ambulance pulled out without a body. The fire engine went back home without touching a ladder or hose. Then the second policeman escorted an older lady from the UPS store. They put her in the back of his cruiser, and in the front seat, placed a stack of her papers and a filled white plastic trash bag. Nick and I were making up stories the whole time, assuming we could figure out what was happening. Maybe she was shipping explosives or pornography. LOL! He reasoning was hysterical, in the most literal sense . It was making him nuts not to know what was going on in front of his store. I just kept watching and listening to him at his hilarious thoughts. I knew that he would have the scoop within the hour. I'd find out on my next trip in, next Saturday morning.
So I left the house at 10:30 and returned home at 1:00, two and a half hours later. When I used to travel to Manhattan/Long Island, these three small errands would have taken me all of 25 minutes. LOL! I love this town.
This small town consists of friendly people, but being in the South, they become folk. The folks in the South are friendlier and not in any hurry of any kind. There is a railroad running through the town, and if you get caught behind the crossing, you count the freight cars on the train. You don't curse, you count. By the high school, there is an emu farm, and not too far from them, there is a buffalo farm. The buffalo don't move, but it's fun to watch the emu run. There is a ranch down the road that raise beef cattle. They also have about 30 heads of goat to keep the placed trimmed up nicely. In the other direction, by the country weekly auction place, there is another cattle farmer with "oreo" (sp?) cows. They are a hybrid cow with black in front and black in back and white in the middle. You get to know this kind of information living in this town. There are a few very nice restaurants and coffee shops, spotted with the normal antique and gift shops. If you don't like old fashioned people at a slower rate, this place would give you a nervous breakdown.
This morning starts off, as usual, as a trip in the car to run the many errands that have accumulated this week. Post office, bank, cleaners would be visited and everything was in the car, ready to go. Yesterday's posted envelopes from the office, a package, the keys to both post office boxes, deposit slips filled out and a week's worth of clothes for the cleaners are all stuffed in the back of my little car. I turned on some soothing Nathan East on the iPod and buckled up around 10:30.
I stopped for gas and the new employee really messed up the customer before me, then blundered the receipt for my order of gas. The poor girl just kept apologizing. No worries. Beautiful day. No hurry. It took about 20 minutes for the manager to come over and straighten everything out. I felt so bad for her being so flustered at herself. I reassured her that she was just in the learning curve for her new job. She would know more than the boss in no time at all.
As I drove down the street, a dump truck pulled out and I had to back off a little, as he had an ominous load of gravel. By this time, I am into the official city limits of the little town, so slowing down was inevitable anyway. Post office by 11:00 and still had plenty of time for the bank. The line was long. There were two older gentlemen behind me that began a conversation with me. Nice way to pass the time - talking and listening to two old Southern men bantering about the postal rate increases. "Heck, I remember back when a postage stamp was three cents back in '62." I had no idea. That was shocking to me and I was sucked into the vortex of their conversation.
I approached the counter, and on my way out, I said good-bye to the two older men. I pulled the mail out of the boxes and one of the old gentlemen had caught up to me and held the door for me. In the parking lot, he talked to me about his Crown Victoria and the rear wheel drive. I now know the difference between rear wheel and front wheel drive. Mr. Bradley (his name) told me the history of the Ford, the Crown Victoria and his day at the dealer when he purchased it. He told me of his wife who had recently passed away (last September), his grandchildren and the weather. He told me about the demolition of the old building in this small town and he had hoped it wouldn't be replaced with a new repulsive metal building. He was kind and gentle and I just couldn't help but think that he missed his deceased wife, and wanted to talk to someone. I smiled and finally said so long. He said he was sure we'd run into each other again.
Back on the road at 11:35. Hopefully, I'll make the bank before noon and not keep my favorite teller girls from getting home to their young families for their weekend to begin. A policeman pulls behind me with his lights on, and I pull to the shoulder of the road. He passes me, with siren blaring and lights flashing. I got to the bank ten minutes before closing. Chatted with all of the girls. The manager, Jeanne, came out and said hello and I joined her for a cup of awful oxide coffee that I pretended to enjoy.
I got in the car and made the short hop to the dry cleaners and there's my police officer parked directly in front of the store. I found a parking spot and made my way in with the big load of clothes to my last stop. Nick, the owner, is always a sweetheart. His wife does any alteration you need and their two children are adorable. Nick and I are talking about the new shopping center down the street, when another police car pulls up. Soon a third one, followed by the city's large red fire truck. A few minutes later, an ambulance blares in the parking lot. Nick said that since he was a child, he was a nosy person, and his mother would confirm it. He really wanted to know what was going on. I told him he was not nosy, but curious. He laughed and said he was going to share that with his mom and family. It sounded more like a compliment to be curious. Nick and I stood and watched the scene unfold.
Thirty minutes had gone by and the ambulance pulled out without a body. The fire engine went back home without touching a ladder or hose. Then the second policeman escorted an older lady from the UPS store. They put her in the back of his cruiser, and in the front seat, placed a stack of her papers and a filled white plastic trash bag. Nick and I were making up stories the whole time, assuming we could figure out what was happening. Maybe she was shipping explosives or pornography. LOL! He reasoning was hysterical, in the most literal sense . It was making him nuts not to know what was going on in front of his store. I just kept watching and listening to him at his hilarious thoughts. I knew that he would have the scoop within the hour. I'd find out on my next trip in, next Saturday morning.
So I left the house at 10:30 and returned home at 1:00, two and a half hours later. When I used to travel to Manhattan/Long Island, these three small errands would have taken me all of 25 minutes. LOL! I love this town.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Just can't quite smiling
Wednesday morning began as normal. Woke up early and went downstairs for the normal gulp of pills. The first session is one and 30 minutes later is a 4 pill gulp. There are now a total of 15 per day, taken at different times to enhance the benefit of the drug. Some alone on empty stomach, some with meals, blah blah blah. I let the dog out and brought RT's morning coffee to him. Yes, I do this every morning, and he IS a lucky man. LOL!
By 9:00, I was out the door, going to the endocrinologist appointment for the official word on all of the tests in January. A fifty minute drive through the tail end of the morning traffic session, I prayed and played music as loud as it would go, though the panic crept in my mind anyway. I think that the "What Ifs" and worrying is now a hobby of mine.
Good news came fast, as he doesn't keep me waiting long to see him. All tests were confirmed normal, and a few were better than normal, even for you normal people!!! And then he said the magic word: REMISSION! I have been playing back his word in my head. If I could still do back flips as I did in my youth, this would certainly be a good time to try! I have a two year reprieve before I have to go through this process again. I try to be a person of coherent words when I write, so Wooooo Hooooo!
This is one time I did not over think the situation. This was one event I will savor. The emotions for the past couple of months drained me. What other people saw and what went on in my heart were opposites, always feeling hypocritical when someone asked how I was doing and the normal "I'm fine" came out of my mouth.
All of my gratitude spilled out in telephone calls to RT and the kids. As their thinking can go back into the normal mode and they can begin to take me for granted again. LOL! Pieces of hope in life should always be relished, whether big or small. The smallest iota of hope for a person can start a change of events towards the positive side of life. With the momentum of the ripple effect, anything can happen, and usually does. Some people have said that I am a lucky person. Success follows me. I think it's because disasters also follow me. The fight and survivorship skills I have accumulated over the years, has helped me quickly identify the start of the fight, then successes soon follow. I take these times seriously, and acknowledge the opportunity of the flow coming back to me. The horseshoe is facing up and achievements and triumphs are sure to follow.
And it all happened on Ash Wednesday, the first of forty days of being humble and prayerful, and a somber five weeks of soul searching. What the hell! Wooooo Hooooo!
By 9:00, I was out the door, going to the endocrinologist appointment for the official word on all of the tests in January. A fifty minute drive through the tail end of the morning traffic session, I prayed and played music as loud as it would go, though the panic crept in my mind anyway. I think that the "What Ifs" and worrying is now a hobby of mine.
Good news came fast, as he doesn't keep me waiting long to see him. All tests were confirmed normal, and a few were better than normal, even for you normal people!!! And then he said the magic word: REMISSION! I have been playing back his word in my head. If I could still do back flips as I did in my youth, this would certainly be a good time to try! I have a two year reprieve before I have to go through this process again. I try to be a person of coherent words when I write, so Wooooo Hooooo!
This is one time I did not over think the situation. This was one event I will savor. The emotions for the past couple of months drained me. What other people saw and what went on in my heart were opposites, always feeling hypocritical when someone asked how I was doing and the normal "I'm fine" came out of my mouth.
All of my gratitude spilled out in telephone calls to RT and the kids. As their thinking can go back into the normal mode and they can begin to take me for granted again. LOL! Pieces of hope in life should always be relished, whether big or small. The smallest iota of hope for a person can start a change of events towards the positive side of life. With the momentum of the ripple effect, anything can happen, and usually does. Some people have said that I am a lucky person. Success follows me. I think it's because disasters also follow me. The fight and survivorship skills I have accumulated over the years, has helped me quickly identify the start of the fight, then successes soon follow. I take these times seriously, and acknowledge the opportunity of the flow coming back to me. The horseshoe is facing up and achievements and triumphs are sure to follow.
And it all happened on Ash Wednesday, the first of forty days of being humble and prayerful, and a somber five weeks of soul searching. What the hell! Wooooo Hooooo!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Fathers and Exemplars
I have done several additional hours of research in the past couple of days. It's difficult to find time, as I also spent all day Monday at the office and all evening with The Boy and The Baby, Tuesday morning at Church and the rest of the afternoon with The Baby.
Having the sprinkling of the clean and clear outlook of youth is refreshing. In the middle of trudging along in the business world or the various emotions lately, they both brightened my outlook instantaneously. I listened to them banter about their political views, opinions of professors at the University, the complexities of time management. They have actually spent quite a bit of time together since the holidays, which also makes me smile, and they are realizing that they need one another and want to spend time together. Their attitudes of life restores and reenergizes me. Their smiles to me and each other soothe the depths of my heart and both are the primary reason for the turn of my attitude today.
The fiction novel and poetry is officially on hold, until the first book is completed. After much time in prayer, I think this is what I need to be doing. I believe that this was the Father above telling me His answer for the reprieve on my tearful Thursday evening a few weeks ago. I feel I must follow His lead.
This book has become crucial in finding out some pivotal information that I must finally permit myself to release and take the respite I have long desired. It has also, surprisingly to myself, brought out a strong love of my real father. This under appreciated man in his short life, will forever be changed in my mind. For it was within these writings that I found the awe of my father's love for me, from my beginning to his death and everywhere in between. Dad's humble example, the inspiring man, the splendor of being his girl and the abundance of his love has enveloped me.
RT has agreed to read the book, but I still think that he is too close, and is actually inside the circle. I have thought of two altruistic people whom I would love to give this manuscript to, for their honest opinion and critique. Unfortunately, I'm chicken.
I am afraid. LOL! Some that know me probably don't believe that I am ever frightened. I am afraid. Most friends also realize I am quite straightforward, especially when the topic is something I have passion or deep seated beliefs in. My bluntness in these writings may make some people I love, nervous and disapprove of the writing of this book. I am afraid. Some people I now love may see my past and offer sympathy, instead of empathy. I am afraid. Some of the people I am writing about will be riddled with guilt, embarrassed and tremendously upset with me, though no relationship currently exists with them and myself. I am afraid. My faith will need to be my strongest foundation, from this point on, and I need to have that firm stance within it. I have faltered with it before, but must not again. I am afraid.
Tomorrow begins the Lenten Season - a season of prayer, penitence, fasting and almsgiving. The prayers don't necessarily have to be about me or my family nor does the almsgiving have to be about money, but having charity and thoughtfulness towards others in the forefront of my mind. I will especially concentrate on penitence, as this is the journey where my heart needs to be for forty days. It always seems to comes back to me forgiving this person. As I heard an extraordinary man say recently, "There is no reason or cause for despair for your salvation. There's always reason for hope and always cause for charity. Our faith always makes us abide to act and to respond, even when things appear to be difficult or impossible. Nothing's impossible with God." Thanks again, Father J, for setting an awesome example to me and, once more, pointing at that lighted path.
Having the sprinkling of the clean and clear outlook of youth is refreshing. In the middle of trudging along in the business world or the various emotions lately, they both brightened my outlook instantaneously. I listened to them banter about their political views, opinions of professors at the University, the complexities of time management. They have actually spent quite a bit of time together since the holidays, which also makes me smile, and they are realizing that they need one another and want to spend time together. Their attitudes of life restores and reenergizes me. Their smiles to me and each other soothe the depths of my heart and both are the primary reason for the turn of my attitude today.
The fiction novel and poetry is officially on hold, until the first book is completed. After much time in prayer, I think this is what I need to be doing. I believe that this was the Father above telling me His answer for the reprieve on my tearful Thursday evening a few weeks ago. I feel I must follow His lead.
This book has become crucial in finding out some pivotal information that I must finally permit myself to release and take the respite I have long desired. It has also, surprisingly to myself, brought out a strong love of my real father. This under appreciated man in his short life, will forever be changed in my mind. For it was within these writings that I found the awe of my father's love for me, from my beginning to his death and everywhere in between. Dad's humble example, the inspiring man, the splendor of being his girl and the abundance of his love has enveloped me.
RT has agreed to read the book, but I still think that he is too close, and is actually inside the circle. I have thought of two altruistic people whom I would love to give this manuscript to, for their honest opinion and critique. Unfortunately, I'm chicken.
I am afraid. LOL! Some that know me probably don't believe that I am ever frightened. I am afraid. Most friends also realize I am quite straightforward, especially when the topic is something I have passion or deep seated beliefs in. My bluntness in these writings may make some people I love, nervous and disapprove of the writing of this book. I am afraid. Some people I now love may see my past and offer sympathy, instead of empathy. I am afraid. Some of the people I am writing about will be riddled with guilt, embarrassed and tremendously upset with me, though no relationship currently exists with them and myself. I am afraid. My faith will need to be my strongest foundation, from this point on, and I need to have that firm stance within it. I have faltered with it before, but must not again. I am afraid.
Tomorrow begins the Lenten Season - a season of prayer, penitence, fasting and almsgiving. The prayers don't necessarily have to be about me or my family nor does the almsgiving have to be about money, but having charity and thoughtfulness towards others in the forefront of my mind. I will especially concentrate on penitence, as this is the journey where my heart needs to be for forty days. It always seems to comes back to me forgiving this person. As I heard an extraordinary man say recently, "There is no reason or cause for despair for your salvation. There's always reason for hope and always cause for charity. Our faith always makes us abide to act and to respond, even when things appear to be difficult or impossible. Nothing's impossible with God." Thanks again, Father J, for setting an awesome example to me and, once more, pointing at that lighted path.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
The Baby's Vote
It's difficult to disseminate information when it's given to you. Some information given to you is unadulterated bull shit. You don't want to pass along this type of information, especially to someone who hangs on your every word. I've tried to raise my children to make their own decisions about certain things. Only thoughts and facts that fit in their lives should be considered when making a major decision. Decisions should be based on the ideals, morals and equity that make up you and your life, not your friends. Was it allowed to disagree with me in the home while they were growing up? Yes, as long as it was not about discipline or rules. These were consistent and never changed, unless challenged. Then they could get worse.
I had a long discussion with The Baby a few days ago. She is coming back home to vote in the Georgia Primary next Tuesday. As most 19 year olds often do, she is taking her voting rights very seriously. Her first vote in a presidential election will be this November. This girl has studied ALL the candidates and issues. She can debate the good and bad of each one of them. She is a vegan Catholic, a student and artist, a girl that has NOT one bigoted bone in her body. She works and tells jokes and loves her independence and loves every kind of music. She is the only person in the world that has positive feelings of absolutely everyone she meets, with no color lines whatsoever. She finds good in every person she encounters. I've seen her broken down by a person, sobbing, with excuses and alibis for their cruelty. I've seen her praying until her knees hurt for the same person, wishing them nothing but good in their life. I wish I could take credit for this masterpiece, but I just can't . I have no clue how lucky I got with this young lady.
I don't know who she is voting for at Tuesday's election. Am I curious? Yes, of course. Will I ask her? No. I know that this child of mine has weighed everything for the circumstances that she knows of in this world and in her brief life here on Earth. It has all weighed heavily on her, including the plight of the homeless that she helps while living in downtown Atlanta. She has considered the sick and ill of this world and the wars in the Middle East. She knows of education issues and working mothers, deadbeat fathers, being hungry and scared. She knows that her vote is a serious decision and she is doing everything in her power to make the correct decision, whether it is the majority or not, reviewing anything and everything she can get her hands on.
I am in awe. If we all would take our voting privilege this seriously, we would have a better world and country. To give all of our resources and strengths to our hobby, work, or being well liked is fruitless. We end up with a dubious society from our own fault and negligence. As we age, we get set in our ways and are sure of who we want to be elected into office. If we could take a lesson from this beautiful 19 year old, we would probably see that we weren't correct in our first assessment of the candidate we are voting for.
I feel comforted knowing that she will be one that cares for me as I age. I know she will weigh every decision with my best interests at heart and with full knowledge of the situation at hand. If she doesn't have the answer, she's sure to find it. I told her, though, if she ever pulled the plug prematurely, I would haunt her ass for years.
I had a long discussion with The Baby a few days ago. She is coming back home to vote in the Georgia Primary next Tuesday. As most 19 year olds often do, she is taking her voting rights very seriously. Her first vote in a presidential election will be this November. This girl has studied ALL the candidates and issues. She can debate the good and bad of each one of them. She is a vegan Catholic, a student and artist, a girl that has NOT one bigoted bone in her body. She works and tells jokes and loves her independence and loves every kind of music. She is the only person in the world that has positive feelings of absolutely everyone she meets, with no color lines whatsoever. She finds good in every person she encounters. I've seen her broken down by a person, sobbing, with excuses and alibis for their cruelty. I've seen her praying until her knees hurt for the same person, wishing them nothing but good in their life. I wish I could take credit for this masterpiece, but I just can't . I have no clue how lucky I got with this young lady.
I don't know who she is voting for at Tuesday's election. Am I curious? Yes, of course. Will I ask her? No. I know that this child of mine has weighed everything for the circumstances that she knows of in this world and in her brief life here on Earth. It has all weighed heavily on her, including the plight of the homeless that she helps while living in downtown Atlanta. She has considered the sick and ill of this world and the wars in the Middle East. She knows of education issues and working mothers, deadbeat fathers, being hungry and scared. She knows that her vote is a serious decision and she is doing everything in her power to make the correct decision, whether it is the majority or not, reviewing anything and everything she can get her hands on.
I am in awe. If we all would take our voting privilege this seriously, we would have a better world and country. To give all of our resources and strengths to our hobby, work, or being well liked is fruitless. We end up with a dubious society from our own fault and negligence. As we age, we get set in our ways and are sure of who we want to be elected into office. If we could take a lesson from this beautiful 19 year old, we would probably see that we weren't correct in our first assessment of the candidate we are voting for.
I feel comforted knowing that she will be one that cares for me as I age. I know she will weigh every decision with my best interests at heart and with full knowledge of the situation at hand. If she doesn't have the answer, she's sure to find it. I told her, though, if she ever pulled the plug prematurely, I would haunt her ass for years.
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