Burying The Hatchet

Forgiveness is a much stronger word if you're owed it or need to give it. In past years, I have tried desperately to do both. There is one instance in my life where it has been quite difficult to give it to one particular person. I have tried and tried to do everything I could to get this matter settled in my heart, to no avail.

Searching for the answer, I've brought it before a professional, two priests, and one close friend, still, it just isn't there. I wonder why it is so difficult, as I have given forgiveness to others that have inflicted great pains on me or my family, and some that had gone out of their way to make me hurt. Still, this one has me baffled.

I've tried to understand the whys of this person's actions, purposes or the plain cold fact that this person may truly not be in their right mind. If this person has a mental disorder, of sorts, you would think that forgiveness would come easier for me. I've read of people who had a daughter or son, or someone close to them that was killed. It amazes me when the television camera is in their face, with all the pain within them, saying that they forgive the murderer. Is it because the murderer was a stranger and they are easier to forgive? Probably not, as I compare myself with these few people in the world, and decide that they are much more saintly than myself.

It begins as a word, then sentence, then page. It keeps growing, though I try to stop the process, it streams out of me with no way to stop the flow. Some days, it seems I can not write enough to get it all out of me. The passion and emotions keep emerging and I wonder if there will be ever be an end to the mounds of paper. It will be difficult to go back through and process everything in the correct order or make sense of it all. Nonetheless, I keep writing.

This process of closely examining the situation brings old feelings to the surface, both good and bad. In the midst of all of this, I have more unanswered questions than I did before, but some observations have given me better insight on other people within the story.

Carrying the baggage gets heavier each passing day. I must keep going to relinquish the weight, as it will be a better place for me to be one day. Striving to get this behind me has proven to be quite an undertaking and process, but will be worth it in the end.

When there is a completed version, I am tempted to just hand it off to someone I respect, someone I know that cares for me, and ask if they will read it and tell me what they think. An unbiased opinion would be very welcomed at this point.

Once Upon A Time, There Was A Kingdom On A Lake . . .

i received a sincere myspace message from a friend asking where the queen of the blog has been. being queen is more difficult that it seems.

the castle needs remodeling, so the queen needs to schedule it and the royal flush and bathroom will be done at the same time. this means a few of the village idiot contractors will be trying to take over the castle and the queen will have to keep them in line. she will also have to pay them the king's ransom, when the job is complete.

the king's throne (favorite chair) has two rips in it and the queen needs to take care of it. the prince of highland avenue (the boy) is coming over later today with help on his student loan and a banking issue/lesson. the princess of atlanta (the baby) is sick with the flu and would like the queen to visit her in her downtown kingdom.

the king needs the queen at the office, as we have a sick knight in the hospital and will be out for awhile. the queen also needs to wrap up 2007 for two companies and the castle. we have an extra boat in the moat down the hill, that somebody needs to get the subjects thinking about, as it needs to be sold this spring. we are finally catching up with some friends next week to celebrate christmas. i know, we're late. we're very very late, but the king and queen in that kingdom have been very busy as well, and their prince and princess are young and still have to be carried around in their queen's carriage.

this queen wrote in her log, as advised by merlin, the witch doctor and the local friar. it has turned into about 120+ pages, which is turning into a royal pain in the ass.

we are also talking about bringing in about 50-60 jesters into the house for a ball at the castle, but that will not be for a couple of months. the queen has to put it on the calendar and make sure that the king is alright with it. He gives her the royal nod now, but as it gets closer, he may hide in the dungeon. the queen wants to celebrate big time this year.

thanks for your concerns. i'm fine - really. it's sweet of you to ask.

God save the queen.

Aunts and Uncles

My aunts and uncles have always been there for me. The have always filled a void in my life where my parents should have been. I love them all, but of course, have favorites like everyone. Growing up, our house was centered between three other homes of aunts, uncles and cousins, all within six square blocks in the city. It was comforting to know they were so close. Out of them all, Uncle Al and Aunt Jackie have always been my favorite. Aunt Jackie was warm and understanding - always! I have constantly been close to her, as she has guided me in the past. This is one person that I have consistently taken her advice. Her loving intentions have always been in my best interest because she cares so much for me. She has taken the place of my absent mother many, many times.

Some of my dear friends now know my Aunt Jackie, as she has always had a wonderful sense of humor, and her jokes sent to me via email are often forwarded to my friends. I sometimes include a note that this joke is from Aunt Jackie. Her smile and dimples, for as long a I can remember, simply beam. Her husband is Uncle Al. He has deep brown eyes and lovely lines on his face. His crows feet point upwards, probably because he has been smiling at Aunt Jackie for 50+ years!

Uncle Al has fought cancer for the past fifteen years. The doctor told him last year "Al, I just can't kill you." To a fellow survivor, this was hilarious to me! He has beaten lymph node, pancreatic, leukemia and bone marrow cancers during these years. He's a fighter that I have taken as a brave hero in my life. I have never seen or heard of anyone that had so much fight in them. He has always been a man of deep prayer, setting yet another great example for those around him. He was also a singer in the St. Louis Choir and has a beautiful voice.

He had a pet scan last week and the results were given today. Cancer is back in three places - next to his pelvic bone, in his neck and under his arm. Biopsies have begun and he is dreading chemo. He's just not sure if he wants to go through it all. I will pray intensely for this man. My prayers will not be that he is cancer free, 25 years younger or just plain healthy. Those are my wishes and I can't confuse them with my prayers. Only he and God know how much he and his body can withstand right now. I pray that he makes the right decision on his treatment and that he finds comfort and peace in his decisions in the next week.

He is a wonderful man in my life and I love him so dearly. I have no regrets with him, as I often tell him how much I love him and Aunt Jackie. I hope he feels the love now, more than ever.

Blah, blah, blah . . . She's Rambling Again

Earlier today, I tried to rework the smut that my old friend had ruined. It will take more time than I thought, so I began the heartache of rewriting and editing some gunk out of the old manuscript. What I wanted as a spy novel, she turned into a romance novel. ick . . .

Inspiration has come from all directions the past few days. I have reread something that one of my cousins had written. Her book inspired me. Rereading her book has renewed my inspiration for gratefulness and being appreciative for my faith in this life. She is a kind person and I need kind people around me right now, even if it's with their works.

Another inspiration came from my past and I was blatantly reminded of it on Saturday afternoon. I heard a lady sing and am now listening to one of her old pieces of work on my iPod. When I first heard this woman sing, I was reaching for answers and questioning my faith. She was one of the lovely pieces to the puzzle that helped me understand certain faith promises. I heard her singing again on Saturday, and she still inspires me. In recent years, she has had krap in her life and she is still warm and singing and smiling. It's difficult to fake this kind of genuine sincerity. I actually don't think she knows she emits such pleasantness either.

I finished a book about the spirituality of George Harrison. Though it would not be the path I take, his thirst for enlightenment and awareness is something I am jealous of and wish I had. I learned from this book to accept God for what and who He is. Accept His plan, whether He shares it with you or not. We should have that undying faith until the end, because that is when we are going to need it most. I'll forget though. I always do and have to find a way to remind myself again.

The other inspiration came from something I have been working on lately. Whenever I question who I am, I begin in one of my journals. I have written about twenty pages in the past few days in some private entries about my life and my father. RT sees me working so diligently on it and wants to read it. He's probably the only person I could possibly share it with right now. It goes into some things that he already knows, but will reveal more about me that he doesn't realize of my relationship with Dad. With all that I have written, it seems to come back to faith of some sort - either the organized faith of my religion, faith in other's behaviors or faith in myself.

It's been a difficult journey the past month, but I am ready to have it further behind me. In fact, I'm ready for it to be run over by a Mac truck, stomped on by Godzilla and taken into outer space on the next ship leaving Cape Canaveral.

So I try to pull out the positive things in life, as I have always done. Not to take anything away from the above people, I am probably easily inspired today, like an email with two songs a friend wrote for the Haitians, a good piece of chocolate, an unexpected smile I received, or the goofy haircut I gave the dog this weekend. (She really looks bad!) The more my heart and head work together, the better life seems to be. The more grateful I am, the more my heart and head work together. I think there's a pattern here.

Back To Square One

I love writing. I have been trying to rework the original ideas of the book, but knew that there were more notes taken on the beginning ideas, as well as the first seven chapters that were already written. I take notes for most everything. It helps me backtrack, as if I have left crumbs so I don't get lost on the return home. Something was wrong though and I had to find my missing notes.

Last week, I finally found my missing journals. There were two of these books hidden away for awhile, but finally rediscovered them in an old box. In one of these were the original notes taken. There is someone in my past, not to mention names as they may read this blog, where certain scenes and chapters were edited and revamped by this person. I reluctantly agreed to the changes at the time. However, I am changing them back to my original ideas. The reasons that were given to me are noted in the old journals, but I still do not understand the reasoning behind this person's changes. This difference, as well as many more disagreements that have transpired, is probably the reason we no longer talk to each other. So back to the original ideas.

The book takes place in the early 1940s during World War II. I had spoken with my grandfather about certain things that happened during this time. When he shared with me, all the stories were very detailed and happened in the city I grew up in. He had so many stories for me of events that took place in the late 1930s and early 1940s, and spoke like they had happened the week before. Few of these events were documented in the history of the city, but some were. My grandmother added the more romantic side of the 1940s with the soldiers coming home and the Big Bands that played and dances that took place in the city's hotel ballrooms. The other missing journal had the notes I had taken after speaking to them, that I took down in the car ride back home.

For instance, most people don't know that the first atomic bomb for the Manhattan Project was completed in St. Louis in the 1940s. Most don't know of the underground German spy system during this time in the city, where some where discovered, detained and arrested and some of them never caught. Most have forgotten about the attitude of the people in America, when the war was going on. It was so interesting to me, that this is how the original ideas came about for this book so many years ago.

It is like I am finally back on track, and now to plunge into the history and archives again.

Wine, Women & Song

Last night, I was with a roomful of ladies. Three of them were close enough friends to know of my recent past and the other ten or so didn't know. Nothing was mentioned either, which was great with me. I wanted the evening to be an uplifting one, as it was, with food, laughter and wine flowing freely.

There are a few new women in my life, acquaintances that were here last night, that I would like to escalate to the friend level. Tomorrow's friends are today's strangers and these particular girls were funny and intelligent, some with the wine and some without.

When little girls are in second grade, it's much easier to be friends. I remember when I was seven, approaching a little girl, Tammy, at recess on the jungle gym, and asking her "Will you be my friend?" In the 1960s, climbing this apparatus was a delicate matter, as we wore skirts and dresses - no pants. The old metal bars were cold on the backs of our knees, as we tried very hard to keep our legs together. We couldn't and wouldn't let the boys below have any sort of peek. As she neared the top of the world on the gray bars, she shouted out "Sure!" From then on until the sixth grade, we were inseparable. Unknowingly, at the time, we had similar circumstances in life. Both little girls came from larger families, divorced and working mothers, independent by circumstances, athletic and very short for their ages. I don't know whatever happened to her. When my mother married up, we moved from the city to the suburbs and I never saw her again. Maybe I realized that our lives that brought us together had changed drastically, and we no longer had anything in common.

Now, approaching a women to be your friend is quite contrasting to your childhood. It is unwritten and assumed you accept each other's baggage, husbands and families. Krap, that's a huge endeavor! For me, there has to be a common denominator to get things started, like faith, children the same ages, neighborhood, hobbies, business. It escalates quickly afterwards to see if they have a sense of humor, positive attitude and kindness.

As we all know, the female species is chock full of various hormones. Scientists have discovered that when women are stressed and talk to their friend, we have a surge of oxytocin, the same hormone that we secrete when we bond with our babies. This hormone gives us a sense of tenderness, which produces more oxytocin, then produces a cycle that makes us calm! You didn't know that, did you! Husbands and mates everywhere should note: We need to spend time with our friends, bitching about you, then we return home calmed and lovable.

Women friends know how to comfort their friends and what words to use. We talk of anything and everything and it is always interesting conversation. No topic is too silly or nonessential. Girlfriends are the ones who know you very well, know your true colors, and like you anyway.

So that covers the wine and women. The song would have to be In My Life by The Beatles.

Ssshhhh . . . Don't Say A Word

There are so many ways that humans communicate through wordless messages. Eye contact, clothing, body language, postures, and gestures are probably only a few ways. All can be manipulated by the person to show or not show their emotions or personalities. How we present ourselves to others, is how we want to be perceived by the world.

If you want to understand someone's intention, especially if you don't know the person well, look at their eyes. The eyes can show so many emotions, but fewer and fewer people will give direct eye contact. If you don't want someone to get to know you, or if you're angry at them, do not give them eye contact. I think I read that Muslims are not allowed to look into the eyes of the opposite sex, except when they first meet, and then it is only for a second or two. Any further stare is not allowed.

The clothing I wear when I'm running to the corner store for a gallon of milk looks just like that. Sweats, shoes slipped on in a haphazard way, and it probably is noticed by the clerk behind the counter. Surely he has seen this many times. There is no eye contact, just a quick $5 tossed onto the counter and I look down, waiting for my change, if any. No bag needed, just grab it and go. The clothing I wear to other events is carefully selected. I do not wear anything low cut to Church, for instance. Though He knows me at all times, I don't want the Lord to see me that way. LOL!

Our posture and body language shows how much we are interested in the person in front of us. A mother's stance of a hand on the hip, while the child comes in after school will prompt the kid into saying "What did I do?" When the same mother finds the same child in the fetal position, the mother will approach with open arms, full of nurturing and coddling. Folded arms across your chest means that you are closed to further discussion. How we lean into each other during conversation is a sure sign of interest. Americans have a certain distance when they speak to each other. Our brothers in Arab nations stand closer to each other. Maybe that is where they get the idea that, we Americans, are snobs or distant. When listening to the many tedious campaign promises, watch the candidates posture. Or when watching the politician passionately speak on CNN, watch how he's speaking to his audience. It provides you with their intentions every time.

Gestures are seen every day, especially if you drive on any American road or highway. Those gestures are very easy to decipher and we have all given and received them. Yup, I know exactly what they are saying to me when I unintentionally cut someone off. When in conversation, the gestures of the rolling of someone's eyes or a wink will give you an instant interpretation. The gestures of a handshake, hug or high five is the way we incorporate touch in our communication in a nonverbal way. All can be defined in different ways under different circumstances. I love watching some of the handshakes of younger African-Americans or rappers when they greet each other. All of this slapping and beating of their fists, so glad to see each other. I just like to watch them, because while they are doing it, I look at their faces and they are both smiling, but they don't see each other smiling. Someone must have started this and taught everyone but me.

I think people need to be more conscious of their actions and think it can be an easier world if we learn the importance of our nonverbal communication skills. These skills can give clear visual definition of anyone's intentions, good or bad. We would know to stay or run, smile or frown, listen or not. Presently, with the telephone and email communication, we have learned to take down the facts and get to the point of the discussion. Then we get into a more social setting, and it gets awkward, especially with the younger generation. Egos sometimes clash because we are not paying attention to eye contact, cultures, gestures or any other detail. The one positive way to stop it is to use the old true adage. "A smile goes a long way."

Today's Itinerary

I have a new lease on life and it's refreshing. Everything seems to be falling into place. The routine has begun again, and it comforts me. Some people tire of their rut, but I enjoy mine. No melodrama, no worries, no one upset. I know exactly what I am going to be doing, at what time and for how long, usually never straying from the itinerary. How can that be? It's easy, as I am a list writer. Every evening, I plan out what I am going to be doing the next day. It keeps me straight. I can't stand to be flying by the seat of my pants. I've been known to pencil in spontaneity!

This is one way that my mate is my opposite. RT doesn't plan much of anything. He doesn't wake to an alarm. When he rises is when the day begins for him. If I overbook him on any weekend, he gets very unhappy with me. I try to space out social events, so I don't overload him. He will always answer an invitation with "Yeah, maybe we will", which also means maybe we won't. The positive spin on his reply keeps people thinking we will probably be there! I just booked him for Sunday morning to feed the neighbors fish in the trout pond and their ducks too. He already has Saturday afternoon planned with his friends, so I dare not give him anything else.

After a close call, you enjoy your routine. Planning the next day makes you realize that there will be a tomorrow, a fresh start, a clean slate and I take a deep breath knowing this. Since tomorrow has not yet begun, there is nothing but possibilities that could happen. I can follow my plan and be on my way of being a more accomplished person. I will achieve something and replenish my self confidence. I will live today, knowing that tomorrow is coming, instead of fearing tomorrow. There is quite a difference in my thought process this week.

My list is incredibly long, for my tomorrow list, as well as next week's list. Being a dreamer, I have many items on my list that most people wouldn't normally have on their list, or would be uninteresting to some. I've learned to add some dreams onto my list, because I will achieve them if they're on the list. Friends will tease me for being compulsive; so be it.

There are a couple of songs for the piano (one is a Mozart piece, Piano Sonata in A Major K331, 3rd Movement). I know, it sounds strange, but when I hear certain music, I need to play it, then I can have it forever. Part of it becomes mine. These two pieces are on this week's list. Since I only play for myself, it doesn't matter when I accomplish these pieces. I picked up one from the Notebook of Anna Magdalena last week, (Minuet in G), but I wanted more of a challenge this week. This is another form of relaxation for me. The best thing is classical sheet music is usually free on the internet and I can usually get whatever pieces I want.

The French lessons began again today. I picked up the French language very easily, from being in the wine business for twelve years. When it's a part of your business week, Monday through Friday, you learn how to read the language. Once I overhead an insult, directed at my boss, from one Frenchman to another, though they usually only do that once. : ) The reading and writing is easier for me than the speaking, especially when the Midwest accent mixes with the Southern belle and I utter a faux pas of "ya'll". That really puts a disgusted smirk on the face of a French person.

There is now the writing that I do daily. The blog doesn't count really. It's the book that I'm trying to complete. Obviously, there is a working outline, that I have edited several million times! Writing is a discipline and, like anything else, you have to keep writing for improvement. Lyrics and poems fall off my tongue and onto the page. Passion in words comes very easily to me. However, the book has become a endeavor I want to complete.

There are also the repetitive chores and errands, and going to the office, making calls, sending emails. I can't wait!

Photographs and Memories

I spent Friday morning at the hospital, getting another chest x-ray, full body scan and chest scan. I am very happy to say that everything came out clear. We are still waiting for the blood work, but I feel pretty confident and these pictures are worth a thousand words.

On Thursday, I received bad news that, in the first chest x-ray, there was a spot on my right lung and that the chest x-ray should be redone immediately. Luckily, it was a shadow and a mistake of the radiology technician, but that didn't stop the conversation with RT and I on Thursday evening, when we both realized how scary this was. We were left with our conversation together and the thoughts of the one thing we were so worried about throughout this entire process. The conversation, of course, was about death - mine, to be more exact, and, at RT's request, the fight that needed to come out of me. With radioactive tears running down my cheeks, I couldn't even get a hug to console me. Separated in different ends of the house with the horrible thoughts of what may be, we discovered in the morning that neither one of us had slept.

RT has seen me fight in my life, too many times to count. As our closest friends don't even realize the battles and struggles that have taken place in my life. RT, The Boy and The Baby have been the only witnesses. I told RT that sometimes I feel like a freaking magnet that just attracts what is wrong or crippling for me, and it just sticks. The only way to have a magnet release is negative energy. Negative energy must be in place first, before the positive energy can take over again. Once anger sets in (the negative energy), the fight begins, as I try to separate myself from the detriment. Corrective measures are taken, no matter how humbling, embarrassing or self conscious they feel. Then, and only then, does my strength grasps life again. Strength is the only thing that can fight the problems in life. How I have always been able to get to the strength is self pity, self examination and self education - in that order.

Unless it's an x-ray, photographs capture a moment in time that help us recall the good times. I've been reminiscing through some photos this week. Thursday evening, I was crying over them, and Friday I was rejoicing over them. To actually be faced with a fight is easier than you think. There are only two choices in life or with problems, when all emotions settle: Fight or Not. Death or Life. Sick or Healthy. Positive or Negative. Yes or No. Once you realize what needs to be done, the tears stop and rational thinking begins. Plans are made, maybe not aloud, and decisions are based on what you know at that particular moment in time. I shall not forget, for awhile, the way I felt Thursday evening. Thinking the unimaginable and God granting me a reprieve on Friday solidified my recent past decisions in life.

As I look at the photos I dug up, gratefulness is at the top of the list. How I have scathed through some events in my life, including recently, is beyond me. I don't know if I'm lucky or unlucky at this point. My psyche is attracted to destructive things, yet I eke by. A few of the things are absolutely my fault and I am to blame completely. Most of the accounts were not my choice, but rather collided with my life and I was left to deal with them, either to repair, restore or rebuild. I am very thankful for the people around me that help me up and regain my balance. I am very thankful for a wonderful doctor that is my friend as well. He got me the results from the hospital just hours afterwards. I am thankful of the people around me that candidly know what I have been through in this life. I am thankful for the strength that God has instilled in me. I am thankful for another chance on this ride. Yes, again, the best description today would be gratefulness.

So we will go out this evening and celebrate life and add another memory. In RT's words, we will also try to get over the roller coaster ride we were forced on. There are people that say to live one day at a time, but sometimes, it's a moment at a time. As with the photos I have sifted through, right now, the moment is good and will be savored.

Some Old People Are Just Too Old

I know I'm getting up there in age, and, God willing, I will age. The alternative is the big dirt nap, which I am not ready for quite yet. Upon retirement, I will not care if I get my free cup of scalding coffee from McDonald's with my AARP card. I've never liked their coffee, whether I pay for it or not. If I ever wear a mumu or house coat, support stockings rolled to my ankles or one of those fatuous purple hats, anyone reading this has my permission to slap the crap out of me.

The ladies in this club wear these hats because, apparently, they think they're old now and they can wear whatever they damned well please. I don't like purple. I like blue better and if I wore a gaudy hat for their reasons, I would wear a blue one. A sample of conversation that may take place at their monthly tea socials are poetry reading, sharing quotes from your parents that have stayed with you, favorite song and why, stories of great women, etc., while drinking tea and eating cucumber sandwiches. OH PLAA-EEEZZEEE!

If you ladies want to do something to prove that your old and can get by with anything, there are a number of better things to do. Here is a suggestion of an evening with your friends. At around 4:00 p.m., go the the Golden Corral and eat your fill. It's cheaper at that time for AARP members anyway. I know I've gotten your attention now, right? Then, around 5:00 p.m., stop by the liquor store and buy a few bottles of tequila, the cheaper the better. Still have your attention, right? Chug it down and call a cab or limo, or make Martha drive, because she never drinks with her medication anyway. Go to the nearest cross dressing revue or punk club. They'll never see ya comin'. You will all either be the life of the party or get booted out of the club. If you get booted, ya'll moon them on the way out the door. Either ending will be a night to remember with your girlfriends. Next month, be sure Martha leaves her meds at home, take a limo and repeat all the same steps, or . . .

Go to the nearest college campus and drink coffee or dance with the 18 to 24 year olds. They all LOVE you older people! The reason this age group adores your age group is because neither of you understand the generation in between. They don't understand their parents and you don't understand your kids either. Perfect match! You can all just bitch about us all night long and probably make some new friends.

At that purple hat meeting, with the boring bantering of poetry reading, sharing quotes from your parents, and stories of great women, here's what I would share. First of all, I would do nothing but bitch about some of the stupid things my parents said or did. I have tried very hard to rebel against their bigotry and snobbish attitudes. Second, my poetry reading would have to begin with "There once was a girl from Nantucket . . ." Third, the stories of great women would be the ones I were out with the night before and made the newspaper showing her bare ass, as she got kicked out of a club!

If I live to be old, I have always said that if I make it to 80, I'm going to smoke and eat anything I want. If I make it to 85, I want to become an alcoholic. What? They wouldn't put an old lady in detox! I'm gonna give the kids hell when I'm old, eh?

Live it up, girls! Maybe there is a happy medium. For Pete's sake, don't screw it up. We need something more to look forward to than a goofy ass purple hat.

Gratefule Dead

Music is blaring again. When I write, it helps me concentrate and relax. It always has. "Music soothes the savage beast" - doesn't say much about my personality, but who cares? I like it and no one, except RT and I live here any more.

I have been writing for years. I have journals and diaries filled to the brim. The Baby is the person responsible for destroying these after I pass from this Earth. She has promised me that she would burn each and every one of them. I'm sure she'll read them first. There are some things in these journals that are my deepest personal thoughts, throughout the past 32 years.

Recently, in the past few months, I have put some of this work down again, got out the old red pencil, and have reworked and edited some of the pieces. It's amazing that all the memories come flowing back.

I have had to change some of them to meet the needs of the publisher as well, depending on what type of piece they are seeking. I have submitted a few of them for review, assessment and, hopefully, publication. It looks like someone wants to publish my work, which is on my death list. (The list, we all have, of things to accomplish before we die. Ironic that the Grateful Dead is blasting in this room right now.) This was one of the monumental items on the list.

I'm not sure if I will have time for this blog and time to write, but I'm going to try. I am also suppose to be working on new business for the company, which will begin February 1st. I really want this upcoming venture to be a success, so I will have to give it my utmost thoughts. Though, I will definitely be canceling the other two Rumplestilskin blogs.

Though I do not know most of you, because you won't tell me who you are, I can tell my my ticker counter that almost 100 people read this blog upon each posting, a following I really didn't expect. I appreciate your support, reading it and letting me voice my ramblings over the past several months. I'm not really sure what will happen, but we'll see. I've juggled a lot more shit in my life than this.

P.S. How long has it been since you listened to Skeletons In The Closet REAL LOUD! Do it, it's fun!

Brain Matters

I am reading through books so fast right now. Need to stay busy now and keep the ole mind occupied. I thought reading would help me nod off, but it isn't working. I think I need a boring book! Stress has to be the main reason for insomnia.

A friend is allowing me to revamp his myspace site. I may go overboard! ; ) This will be fun, eh? It will also keep me busy.

Another friend told me that she doesn't read, but forwarded me a list of web sites that would help me spend a little time. A LITTLE TIME!!!??? I told her to step away from the computer and pick up a book! This will take me years to get through these!


http://www.kissthisguy.com (Long ass list of misheard lyrics of songs)

http://www.billboard.com/bbcom/thisday/index.jsp (Shows a list of this day in music history for 1, 5, 10 , 15, 20 years and up.)

http://news.myway.com/index/id/oddlyenough|reuters.html (Odd and strange news.)

http://www.gasbuddy.com/ (To find the cheapest gas.)

http://www.happynews.com/ (For happy, instead of depressing news.)

http://www.howstuffworks.com/ (How stuff works)

http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/ (To insult someone with a Shakespeare quote, which is actually a very funny site!)

http://dmarie.com/timecap/ (A time capsule that you add any date in.)

http://www.woodstock69.com/ (Photos and music from Woodstock 1969)

http://www.metmuseum.org/ (Metropolitan Museum of Art-She knows I love this place when I'm in NYC.)

http://www.pagetutor.com/idiot/idiot.html (How to keep an idiot busy. LOL-I love this one!)

http://www.virtualstapler.com/ (Couldn't believe this one! This one is stupid!)

http://www.dumblaws.com/ (Dumb laws still on the books)

She went on and on. I just couldn't believe it. None of us have even begun to touch the internet and it grows each day. It's incredible how much information is available. Certainly, there are valid and useful pieces of information that we can all use, even daily. There is also useless information, this blog NOT being one in THAT category!

Go back to work! Or try out a couple of the sites above. I think I'll go back to my book.

Who Ya Gonna Call?

We all used to use the term "Holy Ghost" in the 1960s in the Church, now it's been changed to "Holy Spirit". Maybe the word ghost has bad connotations in this sense. I'm really not sure what to believe on this subject. I sometimes feel the presence of people who have passed in my life, but I assume it's just all the love that they left behind for me - not that they're really there with me. I would hope that their spirit is heaven bound - not wasting their time in my life. Sometimes I feel the spirit of living people too though. At time, I'll been thinking of someone and they will call me. I also have a favorite aunt whose internet jokes liven up my days. Her contagious sense of humor, for instance, is sometimes with me and she's very much alive.

A few months ago, I was in the office in the basement, and could hear things on the old floor above me. At first, I was wary that someone may have walked into the house. I heard noises like someone walking around and would race upstairs to find nothing, just the old little dog lying down and she would look up at me when I came into the room like I was nuts. This happened about three times. I finally solved the mystery though. I heard it and quietly went up the stairs. It was her! She eats a little, drinks a little water, usually at the same time every day, and dries her mustache off on the rug that sets on the floor just above the office. She has her little crazy spell, stretches her old bones, and rubs her back on the rug.

Today, I was at the piano for about three hours and heard all kinds of noises. Floors creaked, a knocking on a window, that may have been a slightly stupid bird, and a few others that wouldn't repeat themselves for me. The Baby swears that Mr. Donaldson, the kindly previous owner of the house, who had passed away here, haunts the place. She thinks he doesn't go into the new addition we added on, because he doesn't know it exists, and he is just curious or just dearly loved this old home. Cabinet doors have opened up with no one pulling the handle. Things have moved after specifically placing them and noting them out loud. She had a couple of things happen in succession that got her spooked. LOL! Maybe she's right. I was really banging on that piano, but still heard these noises. Maybe he was being my metronome and keeping time, or he wanted to see what all the ruckus was about. The Baby will actually speak aloud to him, telling him to knock it off, or to be nice.

I was asked, when The Baby was young, to check under her bed and in her closet before she went to sleep. Sure, I'd do it, but what the hell would have happened if someone or something was there? Oh krap, Baby, there IS a monster under your bed! Let's get out of here! She'd never have slept again!

I sure believed in them today when I heard those noises. The logic in my mind went out the freakin window and I got up about four times, trying to investigate, to no avail. We all must believe it, at least a little. Why would we get scared while reading ghost stories, watching spook movies, television shows about hauntings, or the many ghost stories that have been told to us? To see a quick flash out of the corner of your eye is always passed off, maybe as a light reflection, not a ghost or apparition. Just like everything else, it only happens to other people, not to us. Spirits with uncompleted business here on Earth may be roaming around right now, right behind you! LOL!

And as dawn begins this new day, there is an eerie mist coming up over the lake. I may crawl back into the warm bed.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Heard Clapton's version of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" today. (Yes, he sings this song, I swear!) This song always reminds me of my youth, when The Wonderful Wizard of Oz was shown on television in the early 1960s.

My sister was a baby then, and I wasn't much older, and I remember being huddled between three brothers on the floor of the family room as we watched. It was the first time I was allowed to stay up and watch it. What the hell were my parents thinking?!? That witch scared the krap outta me! Of course, I fell asleep before the end, so never saw that it was only a dream and that Auntie Em finally found Dorothy.

The year after that, everything in the family went south. My parents divorced and I never understood why, nor was I ever told. He Said-She Said went around for years. I kind of understand now, but what's the use.

It took me four more years of psyching myself up until I could watch that movie again, and once more, huddled with three brothers saying, "Tell us if you get scared and we'll protect you." With five kids born six years apart, we were all particularly close back then, especially without a father in the house. I really did believe they would protect me. Yes, again, it scared the bejeez out of me, but on this second showing, at least I saw the end of the movie and had three boys to protect me if the witch came to get me in the middle of the night.

I think The Wizard of Oz is not for children, but rather for training in the corporate world. They should show this movie and thoroughly discuss it with college students studying business. There is a lot to be learned in the marketplace and this film would certainly contribute to smarter people in the business world.

1. You have to watch out for the bad guy (Witch) that pops into your life unexpectedly and they're usually followed by a few monkeys that can't communicate. There is always one that is nipping at your heals, trying to get something you have and she wants, and she will persistently stop or deter your progress. (The bitch, er, I mean, witch!)

2. Her soldiers were nothing but yes-men panty waists. None of them could make an independent decision. They looked at her for her next command. We've all seen too many of these types in the corporate world.

3. Sometime in our lives, we hook up with friends at work or the office, that really don't know their ass from anything (Scarecrow, TinMan, Cowardly Lion), and it's usually up to us to straighten things out when they mess up. If you take up for one, your butt is on the line and he usually skips out scot free. He goes back to bungling things up, while you are still standing there, defending what a nice guy he is and trying to fix the chaos he caused.

4. We desperately try to follow our path to get to the CEO (Oz) for advancement, only to find out that he's a fake, incompetent, and entirely insincere, and knows less than you at how to run the kingdom. If you force this bit of information back on him, he'll fumble around trying to pull something out of his cracker jack bag to temporarily please you, a trifling medal, bogus certificate, or some other worthless knick knack.

5. If you stop along the path and get into the poppies with your friends, you get high, pass out and don't know what the hell is up when you awake. You get the sleep out of your eyes and find out you're in deep doo doo and the bad witch is around the freaking corner waiting for your ass. Then, you scramble to get it together and get back on that erratic path of success.

6. Sometimes when you return from a seminar (back in Kansas) and share your new knowledge with the staff, a few look at you with those faraway eyes and a few of them snicker. "No, really, please listen" sometimes falls on deaf ears.

7. The best part is "there's no place like home", which is usually what you're thinking while tangled up in the highway traffic jam.

I made the same mistake with The Boy when he was six or seven, as my parents made with me. Yes, for some reason, I forgot how scared I was the first time and remembered the three brothers' endearing promise of protection from the evil witch. The Boy is almost 22 years old and still hasn't quite forgiven me. All I have to do is mention Oz and he will still get pissed at me all over again. LOL! He'll graduate from college this year. Maybe The Boy and I should watch it again, and this time, I'll give him the business prospective.

We finally circle back to the nicest part of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. The special theme song that keeps us hoping for a brighter future on the other side of the rainbow, where skies are blue and troubles melt like lemon drops. There is a place we've heard of in lullabies, where dreams, not nightmares, really do come true. I know this place exists now. It's called self employment.

had a small breakdown today ...

had a small breakdown today. RT there to help me sort everything out. i talked and he listened. no, not the usual male listening. he truly listened to me, so much i think my thoughts scared him a little. as the time span closes in on me, the thoughts spin through my brain. my myspace page says that I think of the "what ifs" in life. can't help it. don't know how or whom I inherited from, but it's there and i have to deal with that being a part of me. some things today have helped me finish this day. a dose of Mass, where the homily was directed at me. RT mentioned this on the way home. Father could have pointed at me and RT and I would have nodded "yes" to him. a little dinner - got rid of the headache. a little deep breathing, a run on the treadmill and some loud ass music. anything to keep the worries down a little.

so, now that the head is cleared out a little, it boils down to the point of exactly what it is i am afraid of. incompletion? mortality? recurrence? it's different to look at life from the other side of illness. everyone else in the world doesn't see it, but those faced with it do understand the morbidity of life. i told RT that i wanted to be normal again. not have the symptoms. not have the worries. not have the treatments. not have the anger and frustration with doctors, nurses, hospitals, insurance companies. but the main thing is that i wanted to be naive again and unknow all of the krap i know from going through this. reminiscing of a happier time when the only thing i needed was a sudafed or aspirin.

well, this has turned out to be a bum of a blog. so, onto better things then, i guess.

went downtown yesterday and spent the entire day with The Baby and her roommate, then dropped by The Boy's abode for a little while. both are doing so well that it really made me euphoric. there is a satisfaction of raising two beautiful people that are happy with themselves, their lives and the world around them. both have turned into two of the most caring people i know and i love them so much more than they realize. The Baby and her friend had me laughing all afternoon on senseless and random subjects. back at their apartment, overlooking beautiful downtown atlanta was absolutely a delightful and breathtaking experience. The Baby has turned into a beautiful and independent lady that i am so proud to be with. she wants to stay there a couple of years because she is sooooo happy there. i can't blame her. she's got the world by the horns. The Boy is concerned of his future, but we had a long talk and he seemed more at ease when i left. we also did something nonsensical. we played with and antagonized his roommate's cat with a laser pen. we had that cat going in circles and climbing up the walls! : )

so saturday balanced out sunday. i wish saturday could have continued, but it didn't. all in all, i can say it was a wonderful weekend because of the kids. i didn't share my grief with them, because as you throw a stone in the water, your actions ripple back. they were both on the moon. i just couldn't do it. they don't need it, as classes begin again tomorrow. so i listened to the banter and smiled. still smiling now thinking of The Baby and The Boy. i guess i am pretty lucky . . .

Great Friends and Great Suggestions

I LOVE MUSIC! And my friends aren't too bad either! : )

This is so much fun! The request for the good books is slow going, but I do have a small pile waiting for me anyway. Two of the music artists that were referred to me were opposite ends of music genres - Andrea Bocelli and Corinne Bailey Rae. These artists were recommended by two different people - one man and one lady - one young and one old - one American and one not.

The first recommended to me was Andrea Bocelli. Mr. Bocelli's CD given to me is titled "The Best of Andrea Bocelli". I must admit, I was a little skeptical. I saw him a few months back on a PBS special and could not drag myself away. He was singing somewhere an outdoor auditorium and the fantastic David Foster on the piano, who is the one who really caught my eye (ear). I could not turn it off, even through the pledge drive. Fireworks shot off at the end, on the last song, and it was really mesmerizing, with bursts of the colorful explosions in tempo during the last powerful notes from his voice. Yes, most of the lyrics are in Italian, but there is something reminiscent about my childhood on this CD. I can't place it though. If I listen closely, I can actually understand some of it. A few are duets and in English. The magnificent orchestra backing him is precise and powerful. It does have a very soothing effect!

The second artist suggested is Corinne Bailey Rae. Debuting her first CD, this young girl is from the UK. I promise, she is "The One" to watch and has "The IT factor". Holy cow - this girl has some pipes and knows how to use them. Soothing music? No, but her sound makes me smile. I couldn't tell you what genre this girl would be classified in either. Many genres. Last year, she performed with some of the best entertainers, so she's been noticed by some of the best, like Herbie Hancock and Prince. She is also on the John Lennon memorial album for charity that is coming out soon, I think.

I really enjoy listening to music that I wouldn't normally listen to. I like a variety of different types, but now I feel expanded! Keep 'em coming! This is so much fun !

(THANKS TO FRIEND C. FOR ANDREA AND MY FRIEND A. FOR CORINNE!)

Now, if someone would invent a computer mouse that is also a hand warmer, I would be in great shape!

But the game's on!

I worked for 13 hours today. I'm as exhausted as the "dead" Santas and angels and Grinches in everyone's front yards. Leaving this morning, I noticed that those new inflatable bubbles are deflated and other Christmas yard garbage are in many of our neighbors' yards. The bubbles just lie flat. When they come home from work, they plug them in and they inflate and light up. Sometimes there is a little animation within these large bubbles. By the time I came home from the office this evening, they were still deflated.

Just before Christmas, the Boy and I stopped in front of a neighbor's house and were amazed that they had seven of them! We just couldn't believe that someone actually think that these are real Christmas decorations! We both agreed that they're ugly. (Sorry if you have one of these.) We also decided that they were a waste of money. We thought that by next year, there would surely be a hole in them somewhere. Water rafts and pool toys don't last either from season to season without a hole in them somewhere. We also said that if you can't leave it out (like lights on the eaves), then they are also a waste of time. He thinks that one of the pellet guns or air rifles would be fun this time of year. LOL!

With the Epiphany just around the corner, this is the weekend that most people will take down all the Christmas decorations. The Epiphany is the last chance to get those things down. Home Depot's parking lot will be crowded with dead trees and cold people, cursing the needles left in their vehicles. Wreaths will be down and the glitter of all the yard krap will be stored away. We had a very warm December, here in the South. Of course, our drought made national news as well. Dry and warm was the forecast before Christmas, day after day. It is now January and 18 blessed degrees outside! We have had 20 to 40 mph wind gusts last weekend off the lake.

Now, this weekend, the man of the house, at each house in the neighborhood, has to get out there in the cold and take everything down and pack it away. Women want that shit down this weekend! What will the neighbors think if we kept our lights on the house all year! I could probably go around the neighborhood and sell a few BB guns this weekend to every cold man in every front yard. LOL! Betcha they would all blow old Santa away. Shoot Ole Saint Nick so they could just stuff him quickly in a big garbage bag and get back inside the warm house to watch football. Yeah, it was a lot easier putting them out when it was 75 degrees and they were in shorts! LOL!

I love Christmastime and holidays, but glad that all the commercialization will be gone soon. Let's see . . . the next holiday with an assault on our wallets would be Valentine's Day. My next rant on holidays will be when the media begins their attack of profiteering and extortion at the end of this month.

Contradictions of Cancer

It's hard to believe that the minutes to my corporation actually do take place the first of January each year. RT and I sit down, tonight on the sofa (I actually jumped on him while he was lying down), and we review the expectations of both companies for the following year. Our reviews were pretty simple this year - increase business, as it is most years. Sitting in the living room in pajamas is not the typical way that most corporations do it, but it works for us. : ) We are relaxed, sharing ideas and scribbling it down on paper. I need these minutes for a few various renewals and organizations that like to see them officially typed up and signed. Boy, do I have my work cut out for me the first quarter. Quitting the volunteering positions and getting the upcoming week with my doctors behind me, have put me in the prime position to complete the tasks we've decided I need to do.

When we were out of town, I was reviewing my doctors' orders and expectations for getting my body ready for the upcoming cancer scan and it made my heart sink and my mind was reeling. I'll admit I had a small pity party last Saturday in the hotel room after seeing this, and was out of town with other people, but had to show that happy face. The first contradiction in a string of many. It's easy to say "don't worry", but the details have me a little scared. I don't like this time of the year, as it is full of contradictions. Look forward to the year one day, but stop and think of your mortality for the first few weeks. Make resolutions to better your future or your health, but deal with the inadequacy of your poor health first.

Hopefully, everything will go smoothly and all will be alright. I went to Mass today for the Solemnity of Mary and cried to her in my prayers to protect me. It seemed the only thing I can do now and, for a few moments, I had peace. Walking to my car, the worry flared up again, so I walked faster before the tears came and someone saw me. No one else has any control over it, as my body is going to go through and react to the "poison", as it wants to react. The meds will be injected and ingested for four days. Hopefully, everyone working that week at the cancer center will be well rested and in chipper moods. I've said it before that I don't want any pissed off doctors or nurses that week.

Some people around me don't really understand, nor do I think that they want to hear about it either. I think if you haven't been through it, it's easy to pass it off. If you live with it everyday, you think about it everyday. It's also easy to misinterpret some of what I am going through, especially if you don't know me. I never feel like talking about it in detail, as it would take too long. If I don't feel like going somewhere because I'm weaker that day, people think it is because I hold bad feelings for them or don't want to spend time with them, or maybe I'm just a bitch, or have something on my mind. They don't ask me if my body is weak or if I'm sore that day. They don't ask if I'm worried about the upcoming treatment. They certainly don't speak of death. They assume what they want, as most people think that things are about them - not someone else or something else. I always let them think what they want. It's just too difficult to explain. This is also contradicting, but only in their minds, not in mine.

RT is the only one who truly understands, as he has seen the listlessness, lethargy or pain. He takes a step back each and every time when I don't feel well. No one else in the world does that for me. He also knows how frightening it is for me to go through the next few weeks. He has even educated himself by reading various books on cancer caregivers. No one has done that for me either, other than RT. And he helps me plan the future of the companies, so I have something to look forward to and shows me the need of me in 2008 and the future. It also keeps my mind on more constructive things than worry.

I've recently spoken to a couple of other patients that have my type of cancer. One of my new acquaintances had it recur after five years of clear scans. I prayed for her hard today at Church as well. She needs prayers. Yes, she got over it with minor surgery, but the plan of being clean for the rest of her life has now begun all over. She doesn't trust cancer, and neither do I. She has to begin the belief process all over, back to square one when she was first diagnosed. She's scared. Recurrence the most haunting feeling to ever know. I'm now at the same place as she was three months ago and it is very unsettling.

So tomorrow, I will gladly type up the meeting minutes and have the Secretary/Treasurer, RT, sign off on them. There's a lot to be done and I have decided to market some companies in other states, so there will be more traveling in 2008. It's nice to look forward, past January.

So I make my own contradictions this month. I try to find other ways of calming down for me like finding the good, long books I have put off reading. Downloading or making new playlists on my iPod of soothing, spiritual and calming music (i.e., Clapton's "You Were There", MercyMe "Word of God Speak", George Harrison "Mystical One"-the demo version). And I bring these things into the dreaded cancer center that scares the bejesus out of me, trying to convince myself to calm down - the biggest contradiction of my contradictions.

So if anyone has any suggestions for great books or soothing music, please let me know. I'll buy the books or download the music, just the suggestions would be nice. No ax murderer books please. I don't want to be dreaming of a Freddie Kruger - we want to calm it down a bit. LOL!

R & J - Thanks a million!!!!

Thanks R&J! I knew you two would come through for me. The emotions of it all are taking place now, but the blog allows me to let it out a little. I am keeping busy with work to keep the worries to a min. From the 14th to the 18th is the week. I will be "radioactive" and not allowed around anyone, including RT, for 2-3 days. Yes, I agree about your comments about him. The following week, I will receive the results, but energy should be coming back soon after the 18th. It takes about 5 days usually. We'll see. If all goes well, I may not have to do it again for two years!!!! That's the best news.

Thanks again, R & J. You guys are the best friends I could ask for.

Love,
Me

P.S. Can you believe that wine and beer are okay on this damned diet??? Maybe I can just spend the next few weeks drunk outta my mind???