Numbness

i thought life was easy and good - most of the time. sure, i've had ups and downs, especially with my health. it's busy, rushed, regretful at times. it's sad on occasion, and of course, there's always the "pity parties" that we only invite ourselves to. but life is good and i don't feel the need to be numb through it all. for drug addicts who need the constant numbness of life mystifies me. maybe because i'm not a drug addict is the reason i find it hard to relate to it.

thanks for your responses to my last post. sometimes, i just have to get it out of me. in print, i can see my thoughts and swallow them better. the blog was about someone in our family that is struggling with addiction. unfortunately, this isn't the first time our family is dealing with this issue. it sounds so harsh, but i think he may be near the bottom. in my opinion, he needs to get to the bottom to be able to look up. when you're looking up, you see the world at a much different angle. i've been at the bottom before, when i was diagnosed with cancer.

hopefully, he'll see us bending near him to pull him back up into us and our lives. he may feel small next to the gigantic sky. he may question God and His reasons for everything. when you're down and looking up, the angle can be frightening. it's the slate we all begin from when we're babies. i think part of God's plan is being born small and being taken care of, and we grow gradually, to get used to this world gradually. when you're in the gutter, you revert back to being a child and see that part of life is receiving help. it's one of those pieces of advice of life that, i guess, it's easy to say and hard to live.

for many years, he has made his choice of drugs over family. it's hard playing second fiddle to drugs. we have educated ourselves - books, counselors, family discussions. how comes, whys, just stop, blah blah blah. we're past that now. his choice was hard for us to swallow. acceptance of his habit has been made. frustration and anger have passed too. now all that is left is sorrow for the man we used to know that will never be back. he's alive, but doesn't exist any more the way he used to be. our memories are all that we have now.

i don't know why some of us are in more pain than others and need that numbness to get through life. i am not sure why some of us "get it" and some of us don't. at times, we think our families and loved ones are infallible and immortal, so it hurts when we see them fall. some of us believe in heaven and afterlife and some don't. it has kept me on the lighted path for many years. it helps in times like this too. it's easy to give problems to a Father who loves you. Let him take care of it. Again, it's easy to say and hard to do. i look to Him for magic words that will make everything better. i trust Him that there is a reason for all of this.

for brother, there will always be a place in my heart for him. i still love him and nothing will ever change how i feel about him. i am praying hard that He will help our brother with strength to choose us over the drug.

it's ironic. we are numb from life and haven't actually taken the drug.

Have To Walk Away

I have come to a crossroads. There's someone I love that I have to give up in my life and it is painful. I don't know what else to do though. It comes to a point where one of you is hurting, so the best way to end the pain is to take a step backwards and assess the relationship. Paths are going in opposite directions. He is blind, in a way, or just not honest with his situation. Either way, the truth is missing. It will be for the best in the long run, but you just can't help thinking about the memories - the smile, the joke or the laughter from the past, especially the recent past, as they are still posted on the front page of your mind.

I wonder if we ever see each other in the future, if it will be different. We all change over time. I know I have. Different environments, outlooks, and opinions change. Eyes seem to stay the same though. I've always been able to read someone's eyes. They'll always tell me when to back away or when to get closer.

It's like two negative magnets, bouncing away from each other. Curiosity keeps you trying to put the two of them together. It just doesn't work. One magnet has to turn around - or change, in this case. The magnets are the same, and you think they belong together, but not until that change occurs. I realize this sounds like stubbornness on both sides.

It's difficult when hearts are broken. ~~sigh~~ It's really a kind of mourning. First the realization, then the grief, a little anger or frustration, then acceptance. Letting go doesn't mean we let go of the memories. Maybe I can hang onto that. Maybe he'll change. Maybe one day, I can see his eyes again and we can begin again. Maybe honesty will play a part of our new future relationship. I hope so. I hope it all works out one day. ~~sigh~~

So if you read this, and you are him, I love you. I hope you understand that I'm hurting and the only way to repair, is to let you go. Life is way too short to walk around hurt and you constantly on my mind. Please stay away so mends can be made. You know what change is needed. Again, I really love you.

SUCK CESS !

Thanks to all who made the HFH Gala a success. Most everything went very smoothly. We're finishing cleaning up later this week, as soon as we all lick our wounds. Most auction items were purchased and the band was incredible (as always). We raised a lot of cash for the people of Haiti, which is what it was all about.

Thanks again to all who contributed.

Whew! I am spent!

listening...

listening to a little rilo kiley, trying to calm my ass down. i'm getting so excited about tomorrow night. everything has come together very well - exceptionally well, in fact. had everything caught up at 6 pm, so went by office with dinner for the two of us. made two last pick ups for the auction tomorrow night. yes, still working on the auction. last minute promises came through! yeee haa. . .

tomorrow morning, have to run a favor for a friend. could have said no, but he's such a sweetheart. he's one of my best friend's sons, 16 years old, wants to make mom some homemade candy for her birthday while she's with us at the big event. i have everything here at home, so i told him i would bring it over for him and stash it for his big surprise. then, the tailor, jeweler, then the hotel for the entire day, evening, and the next day! whew! going up the stairs to try to calm down and possibly (with crossed fingers) get to bed early. : ) fat chance, but we'll see. want to sit and listen to music so i don't hear my heart pounding so loudly. . .

getting so close now . . .

closer and closer to the big event. can't wait. almost everything is in place. we are all still working the next few days to tweek everything that is left. four day countdown. never poured so much passion into any event until this one. hopefully, it will be talked about and the ones who missed out on the tickets will want to come next year. glad the event sold out. it made us up the bar for next year already.

time to smile at everyone. time to look like it was nothing at all. time to pray for success. time for the people of haiti to get a little more.

daddy’s girls

so a very dear sweet friend of mine has lost her father. you really don't know what to say. there isn't anything to say. it's best not to talk sometimes. i have thought of her nonstop today, reverting to the death of my dad.

he suffered so, during the last five months of life. mostly in a coma, and knowing in the back of my mind he may not make it out of it this time. i lost him for my informative years in my life, only to rediscover him as an adult.

when i was four, i think he was trying to make one last ditch effort with us five kids. we all piled into the old 1958 two toned ford to go to the circus. no seat belts needed at the time. dad driving, mom in front holding baby, three boys in the back seat and me, in my favorite place in the world, the front seat between mom and dad. dad's hand on my knee or his arm around my shoulders pulling me nearer to him. i don't think i've ever felt safer.

when dad and i "remet" when i was 20, he hugged me so hard, i was instantly back in the old ford. when he died, and ever since, i can't shake that feeling . . . being back in the front seat, leaning towards him as he held me.

all girls must have this feeling of being "daddy's girl". i don't think it ever leaves you. the memory you don't want to ever leave you - the one that makes you feel secure - the one where you feel the most loved by the man you looked up too. i hope my friend hangs onto her memory of her dad that gives her strength. that memory of her dad that made her feel like only she was daddy's girl and she was safe from everything in this world. the one where she knows she was so loved by him. it's so hard because no one else can give you this and now it's gone.

i'm thinking of you T. xoxoxo

The Essence of Bitches

I know I can be one, so I speak from experience. The essence of bitches comes from a variety of reasons. Yes, PMS is one. The change is another and so is stress. But what about the bitches that are just bitches? Sometimes I really get tired of making excuses for bitches. Since I'm a bitch at times, I have some bitchy friends. We sometimes run in a pack, but not often as there can only be one alpha leading the bunch of bitches. When you get a group of bitches together, in one room, say Thanksgiving, someone's bound to get bitchy. OOOH WEEEE! That could be hell.

I also have some friends whom are not bitches. I don't bitch about them, nor am I bitchy to them. Their kindness and sincerity rub off on me. I like being with those friends - they calm me. They also get me wondering why I have bitchy friends.

Bitches are very high maintenance. I am at times, but try not to be. I like to take care of things myself. Bitches want everyone else to take care of their bitchy stuff. That just doesn't seem right to me. Bitches point with their little crooked bitch index fingers too. If you see a woman pointing, back up, don't make any sudden moves and slowly leave the room - building if you can - before she starts bitching - then run as fast as you can.

If you ask a man what he most hates about women, I'll bet it's bitching. One bitchy friend of mine once gave me advice and told me that I should yell until it happens. Whoa! I know that ain't right. I've tried to only bitch when whatever it is, is VERY important to me. At least at home, then, I know that I'm heard. If you spend your life bitching at home, when will he actually listen to you. It will all sound the same, wouldn't it?

The ebb and flow of relationships really exists. Whatever you throw out there will ripple on back to you. When I'm around bitches, I am horrible. When I'm around sincerity, I give kindness. As of now, I am cutting the bitches off. No more bitchy friends. All I have to do is see them from a distance and wave and smile. That's what my kind friends would do.

Boy, that felt really good! : ) Please don't think I'm just bitching.

Almost there, but not quite

Endo doctor today - yet another six damned weeks. Shit! I'm tired of this. The positive side - and there is ALWAYS a positive side - is that I am being watched so carefully now, with compassion and knowledge. I've got to let him do it too. In the end, I will have peace of mind.

Anyway, Haiti fundraiser coming to an end. By next week, it will be just a matter of putting it all out and preparing for the big black tie event. Can't wait! Open bar, good food, beautiful friends and great music! What makes it even better is that all $ going to Haiti. It will all have been worth the time, aggravation and juggling of everything else in life.

Everything going well on my part. People handing things off to me for the auction. All I do is ask and it gets done. Adrenalin pouring it on now on the last few days. Can't stop yet. Can't just slow down just before the finish line; gotta run past it for a better time.

(Note to Robert T: I know you're there, you shit! Call me and let me know how Eric is doing. We're all worried!)

Have to go now. It's past midnight and I have to wish someone a great anniversary.

Cancer Can Be Funny

Once you're diagnosed, mortality takes on a huge twist in your life. "TWIST" is the key word here because you feel twisted from the normal way of thinking. i've thought of death often and am probably more ready for it than other people i know. it's okay though. it's turned my twisted sense of humor into macabre sometimes. so don't read any further if you feel like i may be too crude. you're still reading, aren't you?

a dear friend of mine that is also the same type survivor as me sent me a few jokes. i just can't help it - they're funny to me.

1. Two old baseball buddies with terminal cancer were chatting on a park bench. Paul says, "I hope they have a baseball team in heaven." "Me too", says Jack. "Tell you what", says Paul, "If I die first, I'll give you a message about whether there is baseball in Heaven. If you die first, you can do the same for me." A year later, Paul is dead and Jack is sitting on the park bench when he hears: "Jack, it's me, Paul. I have great news! Guess what. There really is a baseball team in heaven." "Thank God", sighs Jack, "Now I can die in peace." "I'm glad you feel that way," says Paul, "because you're pitching tomorrow!

2. Three friends were talking about death and dying. One asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man." The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"

3. A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you're giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" She said "on my balls."

our way of dealing with the reality of it all. sure, we didn't laugh at first, but we both do now. she's trying to help me get through my endo appointment on this coming thursday. my friends and family keep up with my birthday. this friend and i keep up with each other's appointments. if we hear of each other going, we're sending emails back and forth. it's the smallest support group in the world, but seems to work very well.

Thanks, Anne!

The Baby called tonight, after my three phone messages to her the past two days. Sometimes, I think we're connected -- still. She had a krap day and talked for over two hours. It would have been longer, but her cell battery was dying. LOL Poor thing. I hate to see her or The Boy struggle with anything, but such is growing up. College is challenging for her, but life shouldn't be - not at 19. But it is sometimes and we all have to pick ourselves up and start another day with hope that it will get better. When she talks about it, I think it's off her chest and she feels better. The topic of forgiveness came up. She knows what she needs to do, it's just a matter of getting over the grief and anger first. My heart aches for her a little, and watching them grow into adults is bittersweet at times. Some moms are always remembering them as little tikes. But I have really loved watching them become the adults they are. The connection is stronger than ever, and more appreciated by all.

Those two are night and day. The Boy is the day, always the optimist and straight and narrow one, ready for the brisk walk in life, walking on that lighted path. The Baby is the night, the passionate moonchild with artistic strengths and energies that come later in the evening, that lethargic mornings will soon steal away from her. The past few years have brought them closer, but with him off campus, they must find a way to be with each other. Opposites, but an incredible strong bind of love that is abnormal for most siblings. She misses him. (BOY! Take a breather and call your sister!)

I am very fortunate to have my fewest regrets in life with Baby and Boy. Sure, some small ones, but not many at all. Most of the time, my punishments or discipline were lectures. (Betcha that's a surprise, eh?) I remember one time, sitting both of them down and telling them, "Listen to me, PLEEZ! I've not much time! When you hit 18, you'll be out the door and I have to get everything out of my brain to your ears by then!" That really caught their attention! LOL Their love makes me smile - always has. No, not many "woulda coulda shoulda's" there.

I remember very well the three of us reading "The Diary of Anne Frank" together when they were about 8 and 10. Past the stage in childhood when the parent reads TO your child out loud, but I still continued to do it. I think it bound us. The two of them being Judaic/Christians, the book had an profound effect on both of them. Each night they would ask for me to read an extra chapter to them, but we stuck with the one chapter per night. When the book was so gradually finished, they were heart broken. The notation at the end of the book discussed Anne's suffering and death in a concentration camp.

After this book, conversations with the two of them changed forever. The "Why?" questions got to me at times, but managed always to pull an answer out of myself from God knows where. Then, the "Who else suffered through this?" "Can it happen to us now because we're half Jewish?" The love for Anne, then grief, then anger. Finally, making the complete circle to the Catholic forgiveness that has been instilled in them. These two amazing creatures still have not forgotten that lesson. I know a couple of much older adults that still don't have that one down. If we allow it in our hearts and our schedules, we can learn from each other's experiences, like the three of us learned from Anne.

So again, I give credit for raising these two to someone else. Though your life was short, your journal inspired at least the three of us in many ways that still carries on within us.

Thanks, Anne.

Haiti, Haiti, Haiti . . .

Haiti, Haiti, Haiti.
Lately, it's has only been about Haiti. This fundraiser is emotionally exhausting. The Big Event is at the end of this month. People are saying "yes" to my requests, but still sooo much to do before this event. Cancelled out on a few personal things I wanted to do, but such is the sacrifice that I've personally made to this event. RT has been very patient with me too - even helping me with the boat thing, which is a huge endeavor. The boat donation was very kind, but we can not sell at the auction in the condition it is in.

He and I worked at the office until 8:30 last night and didn't yet finish what needed to be done. I guess I'm back there tonight so I can focus on Haiti next week. We are getting ready for the busy season and are very short handed right now. {~sigh~} Time - if we only had more time.

We have an unwritten and unspoken rule between us too. If one of us crashes, on sofa, chair or floor, in office, basement, living room or kitchen, we try to wake each other up once. Sleep has become an important commodity to us, so we pretty much sleep where we land. Yes, the bed is better and more comfortable. We both crashed in the living room and woke at 6:00 a.m to a blaring car commercial. I looked at the dog at my feet and thought at least we were all together during our peaceful sleeps in the same level, same room. But after this tiring week for both of us, at least we rested well.

Now that I've gotten up, showered, cleaned the house, started laundry and all the other blah, blah, blah shit I need to do on any given Saturday, I have to think of the upcoming schedule for next week. I have to desperately fit the fundraising appointments in for the last 10 day push. The promises and commitments made need to be put in writing and collected. All has to be done between working and other volunteer shit that I have committed to others. I've got to get everything completed in my "normal" life to devote more time to the people of Haiti.

I have put on the calendar that I can "crash" hard on the evening of Saturday, October 27th. I will be in a plush hotel room and may sleep the whole day and only wake for food nourishment.

I coming, Haiti. I'm almost there. You have come before almost everything the past two months and will for the next few weeks. It will be all worth it in the end.

Haiti, Haiti, Haiti.