Back in Control

I am finally back in control - for such a small thing in my life. The Boy called tonight very late. I knew something was wrong by the sound of his voice. He and The Baby were laid off from their jobs (at the same place). You take the little money that college students make away from them, and the bottom of their world falls out. This was serious and I needed to listen to the angst. The Baby was by here early this morning and The Boy said that she found out yesterday. She didn't say a word to me and left her insurance payment for RT in cash. I told The Boy he didn't need to pay his and The Baby's would be returned to her tomorrow. Helping them out for a few hundred dollars was not the message for them. The only reason we make them pay is to line their thinking up for when they are out in the real world. You have to learn to juggle time, money, energy and spirit when you're an adult. You have to spread your finances, love and time to a variety of people. You have to know when you are overextended and can't afford any of these items or feelings any longer. You also have to know when to quit, when to move on and when to stay, though at times it can break your heart or self confidence. Teaching balance and consistency are the two hardest lessons to teach your children.

This was an easy fix. I know, I know, I'm their mother and I think they are incredible kids. Though in this case, it's true. They really are good kids, never have been in any kind of real trouble and responsible enough to tell us or pay us for insurance that they really can't afford. One kept it to herself and thought she should handle this on her own (though I wish she would have shared) and the other is upset that after four years of being a good worker, he gets laid off. Hence, the biggest difference I have always seen between The Baby and The Boy. Both in the exact same situation, and both handle it so differently. I will speak to The Baby tomorrow, as I get to spend tomorrow afternoon with her (selling raffle tickets for a group of nuns that her and I adore - another long ass story).

It was emotionally draining in several ways for RT and I this week and our spirits both came up today a little. In the last few moments to the end of this horrible week, God saved this surprise for us. Yes, it's awful that 18 students, that were all just trying to make it, got laid off and replaced by the new owner's Chinese relatives. But in five years, this job will not even land on either of their resumes. They're just not seeing that now. "No money" is all they are seeing. They have each been working over 30 hours a week, which seems like too many hours to me. I think they were working too hard and not paying attention to their Number One priority right now, which is their college education. I will be able to show and share with them a little, how to regroup and maybe let them see it as something else, like an opportunity. With no insurance payment and mid-terms being around the corner, I can give them something that only God can give them - a little more time. How great is that?

I've been wanting to ask them to cut back for awhile now. Maybe God has given me the reins so I can point out a few more things to them. In separate talks with The Baby and The Boy, I think they thought that my job as mother was completed when they turned 18. LOL! Silly kids. In their minds, I am the awful woman who was strict and disciplined them. I'm the one who made them go to Church every week, do their homework no matter what and wash their hands constantly. I'm the only one in this world they don't want to disappoint. In my mind, they are the same adorable kids of the picture that is in this myspace photo album, the same one on my desk. The Boy is 3 years old and The Baby is 18 months old. LOL.

It was fun having control for a moment again. It reminded me that I'm still "Mummie", as they both affectionately call me. They still need me and when they are open to it, I still get to parent them. Most importantly, the opportunity to tell them that I will never be finished being their mother and will be there for them, if they allow me.

Thanks, God, for the small lights you gave me throughout today. I noticed them all and know they were gifts from you. They were really needed and appreciated on such a dark week.

a whole lotta waiting

i really feel helpless lately. there's not much i can do about a lot of things. dear friend's son made some progress. (don't worry, R - don't think anyone knows you here. he always kept to himself about his personal krap.) Hey R, he's on three prayer chains right now! I've estimated that about 2500 people will be praying for him by this weekend.

brother still in denial, but our big meeting is thursday nite. we'll see. RT and i have very little hope, but there is still a glimmer. again, we'll see.

yet another night where i probably won't sleep. i'm learning to put it to use, though i may have to redo some things after i recheck them later. it seems that when i teach the 11 year olds, i'm all pumped up and can't sleep. so be it. if that's the trade off, it's worth it. so we spoke of temptations and how to pray out of them. I GOT BLISTERS ON MY KNEES!!! lol

gonna be out cold calling for haiti again tomorrow. i have a deadline soon and really trying to get it done, but it's getting harder now. maybe because of all the things in my mind and heart. it's a cold slap in the face sometimes that the world keeps spinning. if it could just stop for a few hours and let us all catch our breath. we'd probably waste extra time if we had it anyway.

nite, r - wherever you are. hope you're resting somewhere. give j a hug for me.

Our loved ones

The Baby cries and I run to her, in the best way I can and as fast as I can. She responds to back me with gratitude and love. Brother crying now, but I can't react like I can with my child. Friend in a hard place right now. This friend had the same gut reaction as me and ran to his child. This one isn't an easy fix - only God can help him and his family. Same way with Brother. Only God's hands can come into the situation and help. Hopeless? I should say not! Phillipians tells us that anything is possible with God. I've read that passage many times, as I need to hear it over and over again. I think that's why he put down the words for us. We can keep going back for His message.

I find it difficult sometimes to give every piece of trouble to Him. In the past, I thought I controlled everything - good and bad. It's not true though. In times of trouble, it's quite easy to give it up to Him. It's when things are going well and a bump comes along. You think you can handle it. You're handling everything else around you, it's just one more thing. I've learned the hard way to depend on Him every single day. I ask Him for strength in my own sorrows and temptations. Lord knows, I have them and they are daily struggles. Wanting to do the right thing and doing the right thing are very different. I need to be reminded often, as I forget or am tempted daily.

I truly don't know what to do right now for these two people in my life. I love them both and my hands are tied. So I will call out to Him again. I hope He never gets tired of hearing from me.

Too many things in my brain . . .

While looking at my calendar, a habit I desperately need to stay straight, I noticed that next week is the Festival of Sukkoth. This Judaic holiday reminds me of my roots in the Catholic Church. Not many non-Jews know of this festival, but it is actually one of the top three festivals in the Jewish faith. It's a beautiful ceremony rooted from the days that the Jews wandered through the desert with Moses. The book from the Old Testament, Leviticus, is read. People in the ceremony are listening to 18 benedictions to God, or Yaweh, while waving four different kinds of frons. After hearing the benedictions, they chant together how blessed they are, graciously acknowledge that God is the King of the Universe, how amazing it was that He gave us the commandments, then a promise to abide by them. It gives us blessings on our new crops and reminds us of the long years in the desert with Moses, with God protecting us all the way through the journey. It has many more traditions and meanings in this quite unusual holiday. I think that all the faiths of the world truly say the same thing. Saying it differently is a source of some arguments, but if you step back and look at the message, it's always the same.

Too many things in my brain . . . Why I know about this festival, I'll never know. How I came up with the information or knowledge, I can't say. All I know is that it's in there. Several million pieces of data, that I really don't need are stuck in this brain of mine. This piece of information only useful once a year, when I spot it on the calendar. Then I share it with you, so you now have this information too. Once a year to think about when you spot it on your own calendar. Welcome to my world. I hope our brains don't run out of room.

We’re all going to die

Why is it that we take living for granted? Everyday I see it. RT found out a few months ago that I think of it every day when I wake. He didn't know that about me. Cancer does that to you. I know I'm going to die, and probably from cancer. Five years clear is a very good thing and I know I am soooo blessed. But I realize that it is inevitable. Hopefully, it won't be until I'm older and grayer. I realize it though. For those who really know me, it sounds like crap, but for the past five years, I have slowed down incredibly. I'm still hyper, I know, but I used to work 80+ hours a week, travel all over, trying to maintain relationships with RT and the kids. The diagnosis was like God sticking his foot out to trip me up. And, wow, did it work well too. I now look at everything differently than I used to.

Of course, it can all be taken away so quickly, but that's not exactly it. Your security can be taken away. When the security is gone, you begin doing things and think about things so differently. The feeling to best describe it is when you are driving and get in a near terrible car crash. I mean the kind of scare that takes your breath away. You're not sure whether to be really pissed off or very grateful. That, my dear friends, is exactly where I am at - every morning.

Tonight was the night for teaching our faith to 6th graders again. It is absolute that they think they are going to live forever. They're going to live to be a gazillion years old! I am a very old lady to them. LOL. I feel it next to an 11 year old too! LOL.

So, the big question for me now, and daily, is am I ready? The will needs to be updated. The house is relatively clean and laundry is done, but that's only this week. What about next week? The kids know where the safe deposit key and insurance policies are. They also know where cash, jewelry, who gets what, what will be left for them, etc etc etc. The Baby is under very strict instructions to burn my journals. LOL. What a good girl she is! Oh who am I kidding - that's a bunch of shit! I'm sure she'll read them first, if she burns them at all! LOL. I'll just have to haunt her ass until she burns them. LOL.

So, ready or not, here it comes. The bigger question, of course, is am I or have I done things to repair what I broke in this life. No, I'm really not there yet. But, I'm working on it. The person who flipped me off tonight, because I couldn't get my little car going as fast as they wanted me to go probably isn't ready. I shrugged at him when he whizzed around me. Maybe 5 years ago, my reply would have been quite a different one. That kind of krap doesn't really bother me anymore.

I close girlfriend has been going through some harsh self reflective moments lately. She asked my advice. As you all know, my advice is free of charge, so I went off on her. Hard too. I told her she was not looking at things from the right angle. She's way too close. You can't see the whole view from up close. Ya gotta take a step back and see more. You'll never see everything, but you'll see a lot more. When you see more, you understand more. Not everyone is in the same place. Some are ahead of us and some are behind us in their way of thinking. Age and experience has nothing to do with it. It depends what you do with the experiences of life that puts you ahead and gets you ready for the end.

Unfortunately, I am related to a few bitter people. Luckily, they don't live in my home. Our rules in the house have changed considerably too. If it's messy, it may be that way for awhile. If it needs to be moved, it may stay there for awhile. Depends what else is going on that day in our hearts - not our lives. There's a huge difference. I try not to nag at RT for that reason. If it's important to me, I try to sit and talk to him. Bitching about it when his heart isn't there is a waste of his time and mine. And I feel like time here is very precious for everyone. Some of my relatives don't realize that now. Some are older than me and sicker than me. I spend an extra couple hours a week on my knees for them - sometimes I cry for them. I don't know what else to do.

I have so many symptoms, either from the illness or the meds. I've learned to deal with them pretty well, I think. I know when I'm having an off day, my plans may change. I like spending my good days with kind hearted people. If my heart isn't into someone, I won't even waste time on them. Sounds horrible, but I'd rather spend time with nice people. The ripple effect takes over and makes me a nicer person. And that dastardly ripple effect can work the other way too, if you keep company with mean ass people.

So, am I ready? No - a big fat "NO". But I am a little ahead of some. I realize what I need to do and doing a little about it. Look out though, world, if I ever do get that death sentence from the doctors. After the inevitable "pity party", I'm gonna go hog wild for awhile. LOL! I'll be the quickest alcoholic anyone has ever seen! LOL. I'm gonna grab a few asses too! LOL.

REDISCOVERING . . . (~sigh~) : )

This has been a crazy work week for everyone, especially RT. It looks as though the busy season is cranking up a little early this year. Work is good though - it pays the bills, eh?

Took a little time off today though to goof off, as you can see from the new photos. lol I was just having way too much fun - especially by myself. All alone today, I got the hysterical giggles and just couldn't quit laughing. Rediscovering myself (even if only for a few hours.)

Rediscovered some older CDs I haven't played in awhile. Good thing about losing 2,000+ ipod songs - it makes you reevaluate what's in that blasted thing and once I cleaned it out, these great albums resurfaced: Paul McCartney Flaming Pie, Robert Cray Sweet Potato Pie, Greg Allman Searching for Simplicity, Robbie Robertson Storyville. Great rediscovery of some incredible music.

Had dinner tonight with old friends. We've all been too busy to reconnect, but finally just MADE the time and went to their house for a simple, but very nice dinner and conversation. Rediscovery of great friends, I think, must help you live longer.

RT going to Mass with me this Sunday. I don't think he realizes that I'm excited about it. He'll be playing bass, but he'll hear the Word. Very happy that he's going. Watching RT rediscover.

Rediscovery is an amazing thing. Sometimes you have to be quiet and still and just let it happen. Friends reading this now are laughing, as they can not believe for one moment that I was quiet and still. LOL! As I get older, I forget shit so often, I'm always rediscovering things.

everyone should know st. paul or a 6th grader - both are amazing humans

i've been rejuvenated . . . again. i guess i can be rejuvenated over and over again. tonight i taught about Saint Paul. what a guy! and when its all said and done, his head gets chopped off. boy, kind of a drastic way to shut the man up, eh? these are 6th graders, so i knew the story of his death was going to catch their attention, especially the boys. so i started with his death. the boys were much more responsive this week. oh, and our one tomboy was too.

its interesting to watch 6th graders - still children, but on the brink of adolescence. they try very hard to be intellectual when challenged. and with a little bit of patience, they're there! they are just new at articulating their ideas and getting their point across. there are a lot of "ums" and "ers", but once they get them out of the way, they fly! and fly high they did tonight. invigorating to watch them and hear them! they really understood! they left this evening thinking what they got out of it. it seems unfair to the kids, but i got more than they did.

you ever get the feeling you're being watched? i've had that the past couple of days, and can't shake it. weird, but not spooky - yet. i have found myself turning around quickly to see who's there - no one. don't know if it's an angel standing guard or what. i feel safe though, but can't get rid of the feeling. peeping tom maybe??? lol it'd be hard to look into the bedroom window - 3 stories up and only one way to get there, unless you're a bird. it's like a freakin treehouse up there! no one looking in the window there - for sure - but still get the feeling up there too. maybe grandma is checking in on me or someone's got me in thought.

meds are kicking in and able to sleep between 4 and 8 hours. some nights are better than others. most people have a routine, but i really don't. sleep comes when it comes. i only have to stay awake for appointments or things set on the calendar - which is daily, but i can maneuver around most things, if the sleep wasn't there the night before. someone told me when i don't sleep, i should drink a glass of wine. lol after july and august, i'd be an alcoholic by now. lol

i won $75 in a raffle from the sweat fest last saturday! yippee! it goes back into the haiti thing. gonna give it to denny. he is being chaperone on a trip to haiti and has it on the auction block and this will help cover some of the costs of the winner - maybe dinner at the miami airport, as there is always a layover. souvies at the haiti market. something. his is the most important item up for auction. it helps spread the word of the plight.

i told a friend who has been there twice that i call it "being scarred with grace". it's really the best way to put it. you do not want to have the scar, but if it means you received grace, you almost have to show the scar and share how it happened. i don't do that with my caesarian scar! just none of anyone's business. but haiti should be everyone's business. at least when they speak to me or if i can get an ear.

so it goes. have to get ready for tomorrow. good night (i hope).

SOME KIDS, SOME TIPS, SOME CELEBRATING

The amigos came home tonight - The Boy and The Baby - to celebrate RT's birthday. Of course, he took everyone out to dinner! Poor kids. Very poor kids. Although they did come up with a golf shirt and other goodies for him. He's not exchanging or returning anything, so he really did like the gifts. (The Baby picked them out, of course. She knows his tastes more than the other two.) RT wanted Mexican food, so off to La Cazuela for dinner. And me being me just had to tell the hostess that it was his birthday. He got a free sombrero, dessert and the hostess and wait staff singing "HB" in Spanish. And Robert even showed off his Spanish and chimed in with them! RT was embarrassed. lol still makes me laugh. It's not often that I get him this good. When the mexican ruckus came out of the kitchen, he said "You didn't". lol Typical me - it was like the Alamo with the Mexicans coming after the big white guy. lol I hope he forgets this before my next bday. lol

So we came back to the house and wondered how to get the kids back to their respective homes. So, we bored them to death. Didn't turn on the TV, didn't play music - we just sat there and stared at them. All are doing well with school, work, etc. Nothing unusual for any of them. Handling life well. We sat, and sat, and sat, until they said we were boring and left. The Boy, still here and laid out on the sofa upstairs, has a hard time leaving everytime he comes in this house. Geez, the older ones stay longer. Mental note.

Was at the "Sweat Fest" as we all lovingly call it. St. Mon's Fall Festival and we had a booth to represent the Med Staff, Haitian items for sale and ticket sales for the gala. Did well on all three, but the best thing for me going to a lady that seemed interested in the gala. When I talked to her further, she told me she was a doctor and was more interested in participating on the next mission trip! STRUCK GOLD! I introduced her to Dr. Jim and they hit it off! Yippee! It was worth the hot hours of sun and sweat. Another doctor to add onto the staff means more Haitians receive attention and fewer are turned away at the end of the mission week. YEA! I'm glad I spoke to her and talked awhile with her.

The Baby sat with me a little while and gave me some crucial Mac tricks. Wow, do I have a lot to learn on this thing. It really is a computer of a new breed.

Back to the grind. Have to do a little work tonight to stay caught up. Making more calls tomorrow and Tuesday, hopefully for Liberty instead of Haiti.

Pushing and begging and smiling - til it hurts

All is going very well with Haiti auction. Getting things in, documented and ready for event next month. I had my 3rd meeting with a car dealership with a great proposition for them. This deal is genius, if I do say so myself. Everyone will benefit. It's not a car or even close, but a good deal all the way around. He said he would call me on Monday and said he was very impressed. If it doesn't stick, I still have another dealership to approach and there is still enough time. I walked so much yesterday, I had shin splints last night. Whew! Hopefully, next week will bring in a few more. Also going to learn how to write grants next week. I think I'm biting off more than I can chew right now, but things should slow down the 1st of November. Then the business has been kicking in too lately, but no complaints here. Now that sleep is again part of my life, I can at least plan and think more clearly. If it's the last thing I do, I will spend the rest of my days helping Haiti. I just have to keep pushing . . .

I am too normal!

Ok, new computer. Forced myself off the old one. Wanted to wean off it, but it just wouldn't let me. Kept going out on me. I'm in the Apple world now, thanks to the Baby. She thinks i'm the coolest mom in the world because a have a mini cooper and a mac. wooo hooo! But this blog will look differently because i'm not too good on html thingy yet. (myspace doesn't let you have the "advanced editor if you have an apple computer) i'll get there, just not tonight.

got eight and a half hours last night. felt great this morning and got up at dark thirty. took RT in this afternoon for his thing. couldn't drive after. he's fine and resting. everything will get back into ole routine tomorrow. getting a lot of things done.

i didn't realize how many people want something of me. it seems i've been pulled in a lot of directions, but i think i can now handle them again. feels great to be "normal" again. I like normalcy . . . you take it for granted, trust me.

back to four volunteer activities, including hope for haiti, two work projects that are unfinished that must be done within the next two to five days, and george harrison on the music.

Oxymorons

It's one of those nights, my mind is wandering again - so I'm trying to put my finger on it. I think it's oxymorons - they're to blame this evening. There are the more serious ones: People's Republic of China (like the People really rule that country) or victimless crime (the reason it's a crime is because someone was a victim, dumbass.) or minor disaster (if it's a disaster, what the hell is minor about it). There really is no such thing and it's a wonder that my Grandfather from Italy learned the freakin' English language.

Then there are the funnier oxymorons like express line (if it's a line, it ain't no express, right?). Temporary tax increase (once they increase taxes, they DON'T go back down - EVER!). Then there are the really stupid ones: Army Intelligence; Dodge Ram; uninvited guest. These things are just dumb if you break them down.

The meanest one is MAN-ipulation. Must be a woman's version of an oxymoron. Yes, I am telling on my fellow species. Sue me! Men don't manipulate - only women do. Sometimes you don't know it's happening to you until you get hit upside the head with it. Yes, I do it too, but not at the cost of hurting someone else. I may do it to get a better price on a car for my kid, to exchange something at a store without my receipt, to guilt my kids into going to Church or study harder. Sure, I manipulate, but not to hurt. That's just dastardly and mean, and totally unnecessary. The women buzzards just keep circling until they can get their talons on the prey.

I hate mind games, in general. If you don't like something, say so. If you like me (or not), tell me. You'd be surprised what reactions you receive when you are honest, especially if said in a kind way. Women have these games down pat. You would think I would be able to recognize them after nearly 50 years. Nope! Can you guess I got hit with a big one today?

I think it's because I had three older brothers. They never had any bull shit for me. If they were mad, they'd hit me or chase me down. They taught me how NOT to bull shit - and one of them is in car sales! Neither of them probably know, to this day, that they taught me to shoot from the hip and be honest. We had 5 kids, 6 1/2 years apart. Looking back, there really wasn't time for bull shit either. If there was one piece of cake left, it was grabbed. The politeness of "there's only one left, would you like to have it (or share it with me)? That's bull shit too. LOL It was just gone - no explanation given or needed.

Hillary won't win the presidency. There are too many women, like me, who don't trust other women. And when she loses the women vote, she will try to come up with every other excuse for it too - more mind games. I don't trust women, in general. There are very few girls in this world I truly trust and they do not deserve the classification as women. They are ladies. They don't use mind games on me and my lady friends would bitch me out if I used manipulation on them. I respect these ladies in my life. I would not trade any of them for 100 women friends.

Between the brothers and the women thing, I think that's why I have a few close male friends. I like my guy friends. It doesn't mean anything except that I like the way their minds think. They are straightforward with me, for the most part. If my blouse was unbuttoned, they probably wouldn't say shit, but for the most part, they're honest with me. I appreciate that in a friend - man or lady.

I expect the same type of behavior with my kids, which is probably why the Baby hates melodrama (which is yet another oxymoron). When I dated RT, I would say or ask something and he would sit there and try to figure out what I really wanted!!!!! Do you know how frustrating that could be??? I can't tell you how many times he said to me "Oh, you really WANT that!"

I hate getting blindsided with this krap. I thought I was smarter than that. GOOD GRIEF! It must be my ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE. It was someone with a COMFORTABLE CONSCIENCE making a DELIBERATE MISTAKE or being MILDLY ABRASIVE! I could go on with my QUIET RIOT, but I have used enough oxymorons.

Wait, one more - NEVER AGAIN!