Everything looking good

Looking good around here . . . slowly but surely, as they say.

Doctors' results coming in and everything showing very controllable things. Insurance claim nightmare from hell, but won't have to worry about that until September some time. Slept for almost four hours last night. Must have gone into REM sleep because i even dreamt of one of our friends last night and remembered it this morning. Feel like a new girl ! Decided to buy new computer - that will solve that problem. Haiti function going well, but want to do more. Want to do more with new business too. I will wait until energy level is back, probably next week. Thank God I have my Buddy, RT, to help me through this shit too. I'd be in the fetal position if I didn't have him as my best friend-husband-mate-et al.

Starting to look at all the positives in life. Life is good - you just have to want it to be good.

Taught CCD class last night - my week to teach. I was totally invigorated by the 6th graders' minds. I really know that's exactly where God sent me. So far, in two weeks, there have been six coincidences within the kids in the class and my co-catechist (fellow ex St. Louisian). Way too many to pass off as coincidences. I think He's telling me I need to be there and showing me the reasons why, as well. Wow! It never ceases to amaze me how well He really knows me.

Got two free tickets to the Braves game this weekend. Talked to the Boy last night and he REALLY wants them, especially since they're not the student nose bleed cheap ass seats he's used to getting. The Boy is addicted to baseball - sports, in general. He's like a walking Sports Illustrated. Good thing since he's in his last year at college studying Newspaper Journalism and wants to work in the sports field. Hopefully, one of the only people I know that will use his degree and interests to carve out a living.

Will talk to the Baby today or tonight. Haven't heard from her since I called her for the Apple computer infomercial. I'm in awe with her because she stands out in any crowd she's in. She is so opened to any kind of human being, that she becomes a magnet with them. Then, those people she's impressed go and tell everyone else. People seek her out to be her friend. And if there's an underdog in that crowd, she uplifts them so tremendously, that they aren't at the "bottom" any longer. I wouldn't believe that about her except that I've watched it happened for the past 19 years. She's been like that from the start.

J called and her boyfriend has "something" to ask RT. Gee, wonder what it could be - DUH! About freakin time! Been four years now. Took his good ole time, didn't he??? I hope it's not a long engagement. They are trying to stop by this weekend on their way back from Florida, then will be headed back to Ohio.

See, everything is looking up - you just have to choose to select the good things in your life. Once the pity party is over, you can see just how damned lucky you are. Amazing what a little sleep can do too.

Humility

I had a big dose of humility earlier this evening. After an incredibly busy day, I totally forgot about working at the Church this afternoon. What was I thinking? Actually, I wasn't thinking at all. The past six days, I've only gotten 2-3 hours sleep a night. These meds are just killing me lately. Saw my friend, Doc Jim today. Everything went extremely well and I have my confidence with my PCP again. What a relief! He reviewed everything I gave him and said he will review all files coming in and put it all together. He changed my meds, so in a about five to seven days, I should crash big time. Thank God! I really miss sleeping.

My approval came in from the National Council and now have my national certification. I am so relieved about that too. I told RT to be aware, that I am going after two big ones. I hope we can get more contracts now - I'm sure we will.

Lesson 1 in Humility: So, after the double good news and the accomplishments of the day, I get a call asking where am I? What the hell, it's Monday, right? No, you should have been here at 4:30. KRAP with a "K" ! After seven apologies and seven "it's ok" right after, I will go tomorrow to teach with my tail betwixt my legs. Maybe with another seven apologies, I will get another seven "it's ok". I have a hard time forgiving myself.

Lesson 2 in Humility: Computer crash. Ain't nothing like computer problems to humble yourself. ARRGGHH! Don't ya just hate that! I have back up of all files. Then I found out that my computer has 30 gigs of memory and my ipod has 80 gigs. Something ain't right here, huh? I am almost out of memory. Called the Baby for her ideas on a Mac, and she sounded like an infomercial for Apple!

You would think that with 21-22 hours a day awake, I could get a lot more accomplished. It seems I am more behind than ever.

Laughing Through The Wekend

Wow! Was that a fun weekend ! Friday, dinner at the Yacht Club with good company (C & B) and creme brulee. Saturday, The Punchline for three very funny comedians. We were repeating their jokes for the next day and I won a t-shirt ! Typical business card drop off when you walk in, and I won ! (RT says I'm lucky and he knew I'd win !) Sunday, dinner and a catch up session with Robert and Jerry - FINALLY ! It was great to see everyone again.

So here's how the third comedian, Tim Wilson ended on Saturday night. He nailed how I felt about last week, pretty much. Thanks Nathan and Rebecca for inviting us.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Q-5d5IfdYK4

Passing the test(s)

I think I passed my review. I should know something next week. She did give me some valuable business advice that I will take to heart. There have been several tests, this past week, set before me, by friends, family and strangers. I'm not sure if I passed or failed, as it has been a very trying week.

Why do people doubt persons closest to them? You would think that we would want to cling to them more closely and listen to what they are saying, even more so than with strangers. I know that trust is a difficult feeling to establish, but once it is there, why doubt it? People we don't know come strolling in our lives and we take everything they say in, remember it, and sometimes react with this new information. Friends and family should be trusted first, without question. Ironic.

Well, I know I'll never change. It's too hard - takes too much time. I know I doubt what people tell me. I am cynical. Most don't admit that about themselves. We are all cynical about certain things in our lives. I'm very wary about a lot of things. I see more yellow flags than highway D.O.T. workers! I always look before I jump. Then, before I proceed, I think if the plan doesn't work, what is Plan B, C and D? I get myself into trouble EVERY TIME my heart rules and I jump before thinking. Until forever gets here, I guess I'll be like this.

I don't know how many of these tests this week I passed. I think there were at least 14. People questioning me, asking my opinion (which is free), making decisions about me or for me, telling me what they want me to do, etc. The big review on Friday was the biggest. This is me - judge me or not - trust me or not - listen to me or not - include me or not. I just have two words to sum up these tests:

BITE ME!
This is me - raw, blunt, genuine, honest, loving (when I can be) and truthful. If there's something in this package you don't like, kindly walk away and bite me.

Final Review

My final review for the woman owned status is tomorrow morning. I and the company will be reviewed for national certification. The application process took three months and the application was a 3" binder with about 250 pages, then went through two committees. Nothing like being under a microscope! Every flaw and detail will be reviewed - my actions, words and business scruples. Oh Joy! I can't wait ! [sarcasm for those who don't know me] I guess some criticism keeps our humility in check.

Had Haiti meeting tonight. I just have to keep focused on why I am there and what I am doing to help in my way. Nothing else really matters. Some people want to make certain decisions and I hate to say it, but I really don't care. I need to care about what's at hand in my world. Everyone else's personalities and shit that they want to control is just fine with me. Just let me do what I need to do. If you want to watch or help, fine, but don't slow me down and please, try to keep up with me. If I'm going to fast, I'll catch ya at the next meeting and update you again. Don't want to control anything except my own stuff. If I do that and do it well, the auction will be a success. Everything else to me is irrelevant for now.

As far as the doctor things go, my PCP got the axe from RT today. Said it before - What a champ! We both hate firing people, if that's what you call it. Both of us have delegated in our businesses for as long as I've known him. I know he hated it, but it just had to be done. That is what we both realized. I was still way too upset to speak to him this morning. Got a new one lined up with another damned appointment for next Tuesday, but it's a new beginning too. Hopefully, a better one. Never went to a doctor that was a friend of mine. This will be interesting. Thank God he's not a gyno! LOL

I have booked RT and I all weekend. He hates it, I know. Friends have called or answered (FINALLY ROBERT & JERRY !) and it just so happens that this Friday, Saturday and Sunday now have plans with different people. This will definitely take my mind in other directions.

I will pencil in breathing on Monday at 11:45 a.m.

Thanks for letting me spew

RT and Robert let me spew on them. All the venom I had has dissipated a little. It didn't take as long to come back this time, but I'm now ready for my fight. Dr. Dumbass is fired as of tomorrow. Actually, as of tonight, I asked my physician friend to take me on as a new patient. I need a primary care who gives a shit and, personally, I know he does. He's the right guy because I need someone younger than me, so I can die before he retires and I won't have to switch again. LOL Sorry, facing my own mortality gave me a gruesome sense of humor at times . . .

Basically, I have to have all my meds rearranged and dosages adjusted. Have to go back to the specialist in six weeks. I thought I didn't have to see him til next January. Another fight with my body. The next two to three weeks will be trying. The meds "f" up everything in me. Will know more about results of today's scan later - probably next week.

I taught CCD tonight and afterwards, was able to catch Fr. Jack for a blessing over me. It was the most peaceful 90 seconds of today. Thanks, Father. You don't know how strong your gift truly is, because I will make it the best part of today in my memory, from now on.

Looking at the good side of things . . .

First lesson of life: Look at the good side of things. BULL SHIT! Life is hard sometimes. I struggled for awhile with happiness. I'm happy now, but now I struggle with my health. I can't possibly fight any harder and when I think I take a step forward, I end up two steps back. I fired one doctor last year, and almost another one. I now have a smart doctor. When he gives me bad news, I sit up and listen. Damn, I hate this fight. I'm tired. RT hates when I say that. He hates it when I don't fight it with every ounce of energy, but I'm really tired. Maybe in a few days, I'll have my old fightin' attitude back. I wish i was 19 again . . .

disappointments

i hate being disappointed with myself. small insignificant mistakes that i make really weigh heavy on myself. the only thing i beat myself up about more, is when i disappoint other people. i scar myself then. when i disappoint myself, i can hide it easily. it's only known by others if i share the mistake I made with someone else. fixing it can be in my control. when it's someone else i disappoint, there is no hiding it. the fix isn't so easy. there are two choices when i'm like this. i identify the error then i either start over or never revisit it.

it amazes me that i am still learning during these frustrating times of life. identifying the mistake has got to be the hardest part of the process - since i'm always right. : | sometimes i don't know my error in judgment until it bites me in the ass. then i have to get over the shock of being wrong before i begin the repair process.

UGGGH! why do i make it so difficult for myself ?! &^%$@!!!!!

after thinking about it, i think it's because i am the last person i am willing to forgive. : (

ramblin about haiti again . . .

she comes in and out of my thoughts. tonight is the 1st time i shared her with anyone. she was in one of the cribs at the orphanage. this girl had cerebral palsy, or an affliction close to it. she was malnourished as well, and God knows what else. when the two haitian women that worked in the nursery checked on all the toddlers, they sort of bypassed her. my heart went out to her then. i hadn't seen her the 1st day either. when i looked at her in the small crib, her limbs were long and gangly. she was tall and must have been at least 12 years old. very thin, malnourished and frail, i did not get eye contact from her. her protruding teeth were trying to pronounce words that she was incapable of. all i heard were groans. with my eyes filled, i looked at Sister Theola for approval to pick her up and she gave me the nod. i held her in my arms and swept her long thin legs under my arms and held them in place with my armpit. I cradled her head, neck and upper body in my arms and walked around with her, outside the room, away from the stench of disease. we went into the sunlight and looked at the scrawny cow in the back yard. we waved to the indigent old women in the infirmary downstairs. we sat for awhile and i sang ave maria to her. we walked to the other side of the building where there was a sort of large slop sink. I splashed the poisonous water over her limbs and neck to cool her. suddenly, she let out a loud giggle.

i was talking to the Baby this afternoon and she let out the same loud giggle. how incredibly blessed am i to have a wonderfully healthy happy girl. and i was able to watch her grow up into an adult. the misery and unfairness of life only God knows why or how come. i guess it really doesn't matter why anyway. it only matters that you appreciate what He has given you. why a mother can't find joy in their child, no matter what that child is like, is beyond my understanding. I doubt whether the girl remembers me. i'll never forget her. her loud spontaneous laugh was enough to keep me smiling the rest of my life.

Peace at last . . .

The Baby and the Boy are moved out . . . Haiti meds are packed on the pallets and ready to go. Most of paperwork from Haiti Gala is in. No doctors appointments til next week. Garden mostly weed free. Laundry is done. Everything is good. ~ sigh ~

I've not been this content in awhile, where I'm actually able to breathe a little. My heart is still a little restless, but so it shall probably always be.

I keep hearing from high school classmates . . . the St. Louis grapevine is still very thick and long. My email is passing from one to another. It's so great to hear from everyone too. I went to the 10th and 20th - I can't believe it's been 30 years though. I picture everyone the same, even when I stand before them. There is no balding, beer guts, gray hair - some are kinder, some have passed. All are just glad to see each other again. I very much want to go, but it falls on the one weekend between two major fundraisers. I'll have to be pretty slick to pull this off, but I think I'm going to try. A day and a half and one night - no one will be the wiser that I am even gone . . . RT said he'd play along. At the 20th, he wore sunglasses the whole time and walked two steps behind me. When several classmates thought he was my body guard, of course, he played along as soon as it was mentioned. LOL What a champ!

Cindy, Helen, Joanie, Diane, Tim, Debbie, Tom, Brenda, et al. I'm gonna try my best to make it ! I miss all of you.

Good News Worth Waiting For

This doctor is soooo smart. When firing my old one and getting a new one, I looked at 17 doctors in the Atl metro area. I chose him. He's out of network, but worth every cent.

The good news is that everything looks okay right now. I have to schedule a bone scan and density test. Meds & calcium deficiency are hazardous to my bones. I still have to go through precautionary radiation next January, but I expected that. Three weeks of a strict diet. Meds that I wouldn't wish on my enemies or in-laws. Go to Northside Cancer place as out patient and take poison. Live alone for three days until I quit glowing. Not too bad, compared to my other option of cancer recurrence. The good news is that if I pass this test in January, I may be able to go to 2 year radiation-check up treatments! "YIP" the F "EEEEEE" !!! "Bout time for some good news!

The Boy moved out Sunday and the Baby this Wednesday. Looking forward to the quiet. I figure I have at least a month before a home visit or "Hi Mummie, this is hard" phone call. They're both going back to work for the old Chinese woman again. They really like her and it seems she loves both of them. Kids out of the house and making their own money -more good news!

RT fixes leak in house in record time. Was very patient with me while I cleaned up water first and didn't yell at me. More good news tonight !

Haiti medicine shipment leaving this week. Even more good news !

I need to buy a lottery ticket this week - I feel lucky !

Nothin’ Like Ella

Listening to Ella Fitzgerald tonight and having a Brandy. Have to ease my mind. August is the month for doctors for me. Tomorrow is the dreaded six month cancer checkup. Shit! Gotta relax so as not to worry.

I was talking to RT the other night. He was surprised I thought of the Big C [cancer] every day. I take meds 5 times a day, so I think of it at least that often. Been up since 6AM today. I've been thinking about it nonstop today. But the garden and house look great! I have to put my nervous energy to usefulness instead of sulking. I did so much today, but it was just to keep busy. It beats bitching at everyone. Besides, it puts me alone with my thoughts. Hopefully, after he calls with my results this week, I'll get another 5 months, 29 days until I have to worry again.

"Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered" is what Ella is singing now. It's just how I feel tonight.

And don’t forget . . .

Well, here he goes. TheBoy is really out into the world on his own toay. RT & I bought him a new(er) car today (8 month early grad present). Signed his first lease today. His two (girl) roommates have given him the bedroom with the bath. I hope he never forgets all many things we've told him. Manners, eye contact, firm handshake (from RT). Buckle up, be careful, wash you hands after you do that! (from me). Can't help but think of the beautiful chubby blue eyed 2 year old I had. Cuddled on the sofa, he promised me he would never grow up . . . at 21, he gave me a hug the other day and made the same promise. I think he's lying to me.

People have complimented me because of him. I really had little to do with it. There are about ten things in this world that I have completely turned over to God. He was and is Number 3. Give credit where credit is due.

See ya, Boy. You'll always be my Bobby. And I hope you never forget, I'm right here.

HAITI - I’m scarred with grace and humility . . .

I saw Denny today. He made me smile, as usual. He's a gruff kinda person on the outside, but soft inside. He and Fr. just returned from Haiti. Mark is down there now. Next week, we will all meet about the meds going on the container to Hinche. Suzanne will be there too. Hope I don't start crying, because if I start, Suzanne will follow and we won't get anything done. We are all scarred with grace and humility from being there.

The Boy and the Baby helped me get everything ready for the shipment. It was a SWEAT FEST! 99 degrees outside and we were at the top of the mezzanine in the shop. It must have been over 110 up there in the rafters. We opened every box, inventoried every item and put them on pallets. (Some of the surgical instruments we could only guess what they were. A few times, we made shit up, which was quite funny. A few items were scary, because we knew what they were.)

So Denny came by to drop more things off for the shipment next week and take a look at our work, since it's the first time we've done this. He was happy - probably because he is ready to pass the baton on this job. : )

Unfortunately, the responses have been slow on my last week's requests for the Silent Auction for the Haiti Gala. Wish someone BIG - NO HUGE! would step up to the plate. If they only knew of the overwhelming sadness, I'd have a waiting list of people wanting to help.

I'm glad Denny and Fr. are home safe. Fr's homily should be "kick ass" this Sunday!

Females Are Filters

Females are filters. We know EVERYTHING. We sense EVERYTHING. We know who likes us and who doesn't. We observe winks, smiles, eyes rolling, disgust . . . everything. And for those men out there, please know that MOST of the time, we say nothing. We know secrets, and even have quite a few of our own. We share little. We have thoughts, dreams and fantasies. We girls actually talk about this secrets and stuff all the time too. We don't share it with men though. We keep our children's secrets. Sometimes we share that information with Dad, sometimes not. Depends. We discover other's secrets. We keep that hidden too. We have our own. We filter what we want to whomever we want. That's why men can't figure us out.

And with all this information juggling around in our head, we can or will only share what is safe. We filter. The problem with being a filter is, there is one side of pureness. The information is clean and right for the world. That's after the fact. Then there's the other side of the filter. The side that all the shit is in, which is the side that remains within us.

We remember everything too, especially the most hurtful or loving times in our lives - down to the last second, we can recollect these things. We have a handle on our children's lives and no matter their age, as women are attuned to them like radar. We have friends' and coworkers' issues at heart. We have a lot of juggling and filtering that we balance, sometimes ever so delicately.

Men wonder why we act like were from Venus. It's very simple. We know way more than they do. Not that we are more intelligent, it's just that we feel things more deeply. We have secrets - our own and many, many others' secrets. We have a lot of backed up shit from being filters.

I need to go to Jiffy Lube and get my filter changed. It would be nice to start all over every 3000 miles or so. Or maybe I can just hit my head really hard and get amnesia. Too much information today - some call it confusion. I call it "Contemplation Overload".

I think I need a nap.

The Ole Upright Piano

Here she comes again. The "Ole Upright Piano" of my childhood. I took lessons on that thing for 6 years as a child, and then I thought I hated it. My parents asked me if I wanted it about 24 years after my last lesson. Sure, I said! RT, Boy, Baby & I drove the truck to St. L and loaded it up, secured it down, wrapped it tight. A friend's dad came and tuned it to perfection. I went BACK to those piano lessons I hated. This time, I enjoyed them. It gave me a release. It gave me solitude. It gave me pleasure. I began to appreciate the long ago afternoons after school I spent practicing on that ol' upright.

I remember when the kids were young, I used to practice after I put them to bed, around 9:00 p.m. I'd practice and practice, until finally, would play the entire piece to perfection. I would hear both of them applauding and clapping saying "Yeah, Mummie!" from their beds. I REALLY enjoyed the Anna Magdalena Bach pieces the most. They were just so soothing and delicate. Unfortunately, I never got over the fear of playing in front of people. Boy & Baby were my only audience, other than RT catching me off guard every once in awhile. The Yamaha electric we have now is pretty good for me, as I can put earplugs or headphones on and play away. No one can hear but me.

The Ol' Upright has been sitting at my old house the past 7 years. We've some friends to help us pick her up and move her back to me. (They will be picking up an additional piece of furniture at the same time that we are giving to them from the old house, so it's the perfect compromise.)

She's coming home to me - once again. The peacefulness of the instrument tonight is sending me an inner calling - once again. It looks like we're going to reconnect - once again.

I shall not leave her again.